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Shall I compare thee to a plumber's game?
Its that time of year again where couples push public displays of affection to the absolute limit, and singletons feel extra lonely. But if youre significant other-less, then fear not! Whether youre a Mario in search of a Princess Peach, a Ms. Pac-man looking for a circular soulmate, or a Commander Shepard hoping to meet a Garrus/Liara/Ashley/Miranda/Tali/Kaiden, Im here to show you a new, infallible technique for wooing potential sweethearts: learning some smooth moves from various videogames.
Harvest Moon
What I learned: Forget about winning someones heart, its all about winning the affections of his/her stomach. Once you've figured out their favourite grub, the thing to do is to thrust it into their face as often as possible. You can also buy jewellery, but it has the same effect and costs a load more. Save your hard earned cash, and cook him/her something nice.
Success Rating: 3/5
Hatoful Boyfriend
What I learned: Pigeons (and other avian sorts), make excellent partners. In Hatoful Boyfriend, you enroll at a prestigious school in search of both education and romance the only snag is, theyre all birds. Thats not me using a derogatory term for women, theyre literally birds. Attracting a winged boyfriend, it seems, revolves around engaging with them on a deep, emotional level.
Success Rating: 2/5
The Legend of Zelda
What I learned: Sometimes you have to break the rules. In the opening few hours of one of gamings greatest youre forced to sneak into Hyrule Castle, clambering up walls, dodging patrolling guards, and ultimately coming face-to-face with Princess Zelda. She sets you off on a quest to save the world from impending doom, which is maybe not the best way to foster a blossoming romance, but by the end its hinted love is in the air
Success Rating: 4/5
God of War III
What I learned: The third of anti-hero Kratos adventures might not be particularly romantic on the surface, but if you look a little closer No, actually, youre right. Its about as unromantic as games get. Having said that, a particularly *ahem* steamy scene with Aphrodite, made me wonder if my charms would be better suited to deities, rather than the mere mortals Id been chasing so far.
Success Rating: -1/5
Super Mario 64
What I learned: Unrequited love might not be as bad as it seems. Marios been rescuing Peach from the clutches of evil (normally Bowser) for years now, and while its clear hes utterly enamoured with Princess Toadstool, things never move beyond the occasional peck on the cheek. Ol Mario seems content to keep saving her, though, content that hes doing something good for the woman he loves.
Oh.
Success Rating: 5/5 (Sort of)
Mass Effect
What I learned: Dialogue is everything. There is absolutely nothing else to developing relationships. The process of romancin in the Mass Effect universe is about periodically checking in with someone and selecting the nice dialogue option until giving you the sexy eyes. Most conveniently, theyre all always in the same place, which makes life easy.
Success Rating: 1/5
Professor Layton and the Lost/Unwound Future
Sound the sirens, theres a whopping great spoiler for the third Layton game below. You have been warned!
What happened when I tried it out: Claires clearly head-over-heels for Layton, so Id planned to apply some of his gentlemanly charm to the real world. Unfortunately, revisiting The Lost Future has left me rendered useless due to excessive sobbing. Its just something in my eye ok?
Success Rating: *too busy crying to write a score*
Wario Land
What I learned: Money is a lot less hassle than people. Wario hasnt got time to be chasing after prospective partners; hes too busy scouring the world for gems, gold and other goodies. He seems pretty happy too, have you ever seen that dude without a massive grin on his face?
Success Rating: 0/5
