So, it's out there. There's going to be a newly-designed Xbox One controller. The rest of the internet would have it that the only real change is the addition of a 3.5mm headphone jack, but I applied some sweet-smelling journalism to the support document the information came from and found that Microsoft had left a lot more details in there than most people had seen. Join me as we take a look into the future of playing games using your hands.
You'd better believe Microsoft isn't just leaving that old proprietary headphone port empty, viable only as some sad dust collector. No, while your audio needs will now be met by another greedy void, a range of new peripherals will make full use of the controller's power to make your sedentary existence that bit more motionless.
Alongside the toaster tutorial, I found entries for smoothie makers, coffee grinders and green energy chargers (a 9-foot wind turbine you have to stick out of your window).
Hidden Collectible Cards
Controllers are expensive - I know almost no one with a full complement of four. It seems Microsoft has cottoned onto this trend, and moved to incentivise you buying more. Every Xbox One controller will now come with a randomly selected, Xbox-themed trading card lodged in the battery compartment.
The rules of the game are mind-wringingly complex, and are printed on only one of the 330 available cards, so save up and get collecting if you want to play!
Microsoft has clearly realised that its customer base is a diverse group, with many different needs and play styles. As such, the new controller design is actually nine subtly different new models, each catering to a different player need.
They will be: Classic, Classic Ultra, Warzone, Sous Chef, Garden (pictured), DJ, Aristocrat, Huge, Pilot and Jeremy. Buy all nine and receive a mysterious 10th, simply known as "CODENAME DENIM" for free.
Old Problems Fixed
While the original Xbox One controller design was very well-received, people did raise niggles with certain aspects of design. Of course, one of those - audio inputs - has been fixed, but what of the other major concern - its bumpers?
Microsoft has sprung into action to solve players' issues with the index finger buttons and, always ready to cater to as many players as possible, has come up with a very interesting two-tone solution.
A New Button
This one's very easy to miss. Included in the standard rundown of button names, the support documentation lists an extra new button, sneakily located on the lower portion of the left ProngWing of the controller. Known as the MYSTERY NUB, its function is, so far, a well-guarded secret.
Expect it to be used as a gimmick in a new first-party game - I reckon it'll be used to make Marcus Fenix wipe glistening, Unreal 4-enable sweat from his eyes at will in the next Gears of War.
This is technically not a new feature, but - like when Listerine rebranded itself as a mouthwash instead of a cure for gonorrhea (that's true, look it up) - Microsoft has adopted an unusual side-effect of its controller's complex inner workings.
WARNING: DOES NOT WORK ON REPTILES, THEY ARE TOO STRONG OF MIND