The Maddest Movie Girlfriends

Gloria (Isla Fisher)

The Girl: When Vince Vaughn's Jeremy goes for bridesmaid Gloria, he is well and truly led to the slaughter. The girl he thinks is a virgin turns out to be a "stage five clinger", and there's no backing out...

The Madness: Gloria is kamikaze mad. During a family dinner, she insists on pleasuring Jeremy under the table. Which is bad enough, but considering her father is Christopher Walken, it's suicide.

How We'd Dump Her: We'd take her bungee-jumping. Milliseconds before her jump, we'd shout, "Dumped!" and then dive into a getaway helicopter.

Maria Elena (Penlope Cruz)

The Girl: As Juan Antonio (Javier Bardem)'s deranged ex wife, Maria Elena is wildly unpredictable.

She meanders in and out of his life, volatile as a wet firework, and plays third wheel to his relationship with Cristina (Scarlett Johansson).

The Madness: She enters the film on a suicide attempt and exits waving a gun around willy-nilly. She's not right.

How We'd Dump Her: We'd get her sectioned, then slip a note to the nurse to deliver.

It's better that way.

Lee Holloway (Maggie Gyllenhaal)

The Girl: Quiet, self-conscious Lee has recently returned home from a mental hospital. She gets a job as secretary to lawyer Mr Grey, and they fall in love.

The Madness: The couple have peculiar ways of expressing their love for one another.

There's that time when she mails him a worm. And when she sits at his desk for days without moving a muscle, just because he tells her to.

How We'd Dump Her: We'd take her to a bench somewhere, and tell her to sit there 'til we got back. Then we'd move to Tuscany.

Fabienne (Maria de Medeiros)

The Girl: She's the cute little French floozy to Bruce Willis' American buck Butch, and she just loves blueberry pancakes.

The Madness: Mad- dening . She forgets to pack the watch that Butch's father, grandfather and great-grandfather all took to war with them.

Plus, she's hell-bent on getting herself a pot belly.

How We'd Dump Her: We'd take her for blueberry pancakes, and tell her that the watch was more important than she was, and that it's her fault we're breaking up. She looks cute when she cries.

Eli (Lina Leandersson)

The Girl: Oskar, who is horribly bullied, meets the mysterious Eli, when she moves in next door. She helps him to build up some courage and face his tormentors.

The Madness: She blocks her windows with cardboard and walks bare-foot in the snow. And kills people.

Eli is a vampire, see - which would be fine if Oskar was one too. As it turns out, he's just a weedy, quiet little boy, and she is truly frightening.

How We'd Dump Her: Over the phone, from a distance of a few thousand miles .

Vesper Lynd (Eva Green)

The Girl: She's the gal who nearly stole Bond. Clever Vesper Lynd tamed the beast, persuading James to give up the spy game. Lucky for us, he soon came to his senses.

The Madness: Accusing Bond of being 'reckless' with his spending, and witholding good poker money? No, no, no. You're his girlfriend, Vesper. Not his mum.

And besides: double-crossing James Bond is not something a sane woman would do.

How We'd Dump Her: Well, she's dead now. Drowned. So... we'd have to dump her body back into that Venetian canal. That'll learn her.

Gretchen (Jena Malone)

The Girl: New girl Gretchen chooses to sit next to Donnie, the "cutest" boy in the class. The love that blossoms between the two fruit loops is endearing. Shame that it's utterly doomed.

The Madness: She's on the run from a homicidal stepfather. She's living under a false identity. Alarm bells aplenty. Come on, Donnie!

Lucky for Gretchen, he doesn't seem to notice.

How We'd Dump Her: We'd spout some philosophical codswallop and convince her that the universe wanted us to break up.

Lavender Brown (Jessie Cave)

The Girl: Lavender Brown is Ron Weasley's girlfriend (much to Hermione's dismay). They snog a lot.

The Madness: She is absolutely obsessed with him. Dangerously. She calls him "Won-Won".

To make things worse, he doesn't seem to even like her. It gets to the point where you really wish he'd just flip out and give her a good kick.

How We'd Dump Her: We'd move schools. Although for Ron, that'd probably mean jacking it all in and going to a scummy muggle comp. He'd get used to it.

Vera Phillips (Keira Knightley)

The Girl: She's the mistress of Dylan Thomas (Matthey Rhys), her first love. They just can't keep away from each other, despite the fact that both are married.

The Madness: Her husband has a gun, and she's off gallivanting with old flames. And she's less than discreet about it.

It's either madness or stupidity.

How We'd Dump Her: We'd write a poem about her, and call it "Fat Ankles".

Jack's Girlfriend (Natalie Portman)

The Girl: An anonymous Natalie Portman plays Jack (Jason Schwartzman)'s estranged girlfriend. The short film is a sweet little prologue to The Darjeeling Ltd.

The Madness: She just turns up, in Paris, for one night. She doesn't even explain how she found him. And she's covered in weird bruises.

Jack doesn't actually say it, but we can tell he's freaked out.

How We'd Dump Her: Well it doesn't seem like there's any getting away from her. We'd just order room service and roll with the punches.

Dianne (Lucy Davis)

The Girl: Drama buff Dianne is going out with David (Dylan Moran), who is, in fact, in love with Liz (Shaun's girlfriend). Poor Dianne.

The Madness: Dianne is aware of David's infatuation with Liz, but this doesn't stop her from turning into an absolute nutter when he's attacked by zombies. She dives, hysterically, head-first into the undead throng, hoping to salvage whatever bits they've left of him.

How We'd Dump Her: If we were David, we'd probably be a zombie. So we could just eat her brains.

Clementine (Kate Winslet)

The Girl: Joel (Jim Carrey) meets Clem on a train one day. They enter into a tumultuous relationship which reeks of déja-vu.

The Madness: She's erratic and impulsive. She dyes her hair green. She drinks like a fish and is prone to violent episodes. Poor, timid little Joel just wanted someone "nice".

How We'd Dump Her: We'd undergo a memory-altering procedure to erase her from our memory.

Again. To make sure it works this time.

Anna Scott (Julia Roberts)

The Girl: Anna Scott is an internationally famous Hollywood actress. She bumps into bumbling, floppy-haired William (Hugh Grant) one day. So beginneth the Notting Hill story.

The Madness: Good Lord, that woman can whinge. All the money in the world and she's convinced that her life is oh-so unbearable.

She also seems to just turn up whenever something bad happens. And cry about it. Worst. Girlfriend. Ever.

How We'd Dump Her: Publicly, with a double-page spread in the News of the World.

Jean Grey (Famke Janssen)

The Girl: Jean Grey is going out with Cyclops, but she's really in love with Wolverine (not difficult to understand why). It seems as if their love is never meant to be.

X-Men: The Last Stand may just be one of the great unsung tragedies of the modern era.

The Madness: First of all: Jean . Lamest comic-book hero name ever .

Jean seems to possess powerful telekinetic powers, but she can't control them. Steer well clear. Domestic arguments could be fatal.

How We'd Dump Her: Poor Wolvy realises that, in order to be rid of her, he has to destroy her. We've all been there...

Marla Singer (Helena Bonham-Carter)

The Girl: Marla is the dark, dirty, femme fatale who seduces Tyler and gets her claws into Edward Norton's narrator. She has awesome hair.

The Madness: She attends group therapy meetings, just for kicks. She steals dirty laundry right out of the machines at the launderette. She attempts suicide just because she's bored. She is a walking, stalking, chainsmoking car-crash.

How We'd Dump Her: We'd slip a little something in her liquor, then dump her in a bin while she's passed out. Although she'd probably enjoy that...