Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
The bald head says, ‘I’m different!’ and the fact her personality has been substituted for that of an evolved-to-sentience Voyager probe backs it up.
She’s exotic and robot-cold – it’s intergalactic hard-to-get, and it’s totally working.
Speed Racer (2008)
Not only, in his film breakout role, does Matthew Fox fall into the Daredevil trap of only leaving his chin visible onscreen, but it looks like he’s wearing an all-body cross-Channel swimming costume sponsored by Xbox.
From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
If you accessorise with a giant feather hat, a live snake and the hottest body in Hollywood, it turns out that some slithers of red velvet really do make a workable outfit.
Hicks takes the rugged, grimy GI poster-boy look (with those big, sad sensitive eyes) and puts them in space .
What isn’t better in space? Except using a urinal...
Flighty & Flirty
The Seven Year Itch (1952)
Thank the Lord for the updrafts of the New York subway system and the magic of pleats.
Age and infamy haven’t dulled the lusty, playful edge of this classic set-up.
Like when you saw the good girl from school smeared against a wall outside the Goth club at 2 am on a Friday with smudged black lipstick and an evil grin.
Confusing, exciting, unforgettable.
Chew a cock – it’s all gone wrong here, hasn’t it?
The pony tail, the thigh-high boots, the scarlet nappy held up with braces.
The apocalypse provides mitigating circumstances, but this is still a disaster of unfortunately Borat-channelling proportions (more on him later).
The hot nights when your partner seems possessed by lust are always the really memorable ones, so it stands to reason that if your missus was actually possessed, could float and was wearing silky off-the-shoulder-rags, the good times are most certainly here.
Flash Gordon (1980)
As the most powerful man in the universe, he can be forgiven a bit of glitz, but the pointy mega-collar makes him look like a disco dog that’s had a bowel operation.
Rough 'N' Stuff
The pre-Christ equivalent of Calvin Klein pants – a leather jerkin showing a bit of bicep with a cloth petticoat short enough to give the ladies an eyeful of calf.
Are you not entertained?
Star Trek: The Wrath Of Khan (1982)
We get that Ricardo Montalban looked tight for an old fella, but there’s simply no call for intergalactic badasses to enact their eel-based plans of vengeance with their hairy tits hanging out.
Packing The Trunk
Casino Royale (2006)
Because surging from the sea like some tensed personification of all things male is food and drink to Craig’s granite-faced agent.
Those shorts will no more protect you from his machismo than string could imprison a gorilla.
Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow (2004)
The golden rule is that hot costumes can be either pirate or non-specific dystopian fascist-themed, but definitely not a combination of the two.
Strip Of Heaven
Sin City (2005)
She’s a stripper with a heart of gold who still understands the value of assless leather chaps.
Wait, they’re trousers? Oh, man...
Street Fighter (1994)
The blank literalness of the adaptation from videogame to film makes this a squeaking leather stinker.
“Darling, you haven’t seen my hat, have you? The one with the winged death skull on it?”
Well, two reasons...
Firstly and geekily, because as a shapeshifter Mystique can be anything you want. And secondly, BECAUSE ALL SHE’S WEARING IS BLUE PAINT.
Batman And Robin (1997)
Arnie looks like a cross between those stupid tricked out cars with under-body lights and a Christmas tree bauble, and therefore like the least scary/most festive villain ever.
Sack & Crack
Pulling off the nad-sack and arse-crack look is no trifle – it takes serious balls, both figuratively and literally.
Cohen’s matted, manly figure wears the bikini like a lusty elastic band. It’s the ultimate beach look.
Missing The Mark
It’s reassuring to know that if we ever want to become supervillains all we’d need equipment-wise is Jimmy Nail’s cast-offs and to look like we'd fallen asleep in the sun under a magnifying glass.
Blade Runner (1982)
The key here is contrast – the painted electro-clash doll’s face and punky nylons shout ‘sex!’, but Pris’ mortal robotic desperation replies ‘murder!’.
She’s just our type.
Star Wars Return Of The Jedi (1983)
There’s a point at which hot chicks being chained up and forced to wear ornate bikinis isn’t sexy any more, and that point is when you’re dead.
Sting In The Tail
Of all the crimes committed by David Lynch’s clunking epic, the sight of gleaming pop idiot Sting grinning smugly from a pair of metal space pants is the most heinous.
Just For Kicks
There’s something almost period about the lycra and leg-warmers combo, but you could essentially dress a soaking, gyrating Jennifer Beals in rotting fruit and dead animals and she’d still be potent like concentrated lust.
101 Dalmatians (1996)
Designed to be arch and villainous, Cruella’s fur and pelt pile-up looks more like a car that’s ploughed through an entire herd of zebras.
The Fifth Element (1997)
Despite the fact the athletic ex-model looks like a lithe, unfinished mummy, she’s actually an athletic ex-model with her modesty (barely) held together by bandages.