Rating Bond

DR NO (1962)
Intro: The name's Connery - Sean Connery...
Plot: Bond is sent to Jamaica to investigate the disappearance of a fellow agent and find out who has been "toppling" American space rockets. 6
Villain: Dr No, criminal mastermind and SPECTRE member. Sports pair of metal mitts ideal for crushing table ornaments. 7
Girl: Honey Ryder, bikini-clad bombshell with knife on hip and tragic back story. Point deducted for shonky dubbing. 7
Gadgets: Flame-throwing tank disguised as dragon. 3
Action: Two dull car chases and a big bang at the end. 3
Score: 26/50

Intro: 007 wins the Cold War singlehanded...
Plot: Bond is sent to Istanbul to woo a wannabe defector and obtain a top-secret decoder. 7
Villain: Psycho dyke Rosa Klebb and her murderous operative Donovan Grant. Blofeld puts in a cameo. 9
Girl: Tatiana Romanova, former ballet dancer turned SPECTRE pawn. 8
Gadgets: Connery gets a briefcase with exploding tear-gas canister and concealed knife, while Robert Shaw gets a garrotting wristwatch. 7
Action: Gypsy camp raid and Orient Express dust-up, plus explosive encounters with a marauding chopper and a flotilla of motor boats. 7
Score: 38/50

Intro: The film that fingered the Bond blueprint...
Plot: Bond crosses swords with a bullion-loving madman who plans to blow up Fort Knox. 8
Villain: Chubby industrialist Auric Goldfinger, invariably accompanied by bowler-hatted henchman Oddjob. 9
Girl: Bisexual pilot and judo ace Pussy Galore; before she turns up, though, Bond gets it on with Golden Girl Shirley Eaton. 8
Gadgets: Aston Martin DB5 with modifications (machine guns, oil sprays, passenger ejector seat). Only the best Bond car ever! 9
Action: Not much besides Connery's third-act face-off with Harold Sakata. 6
Score: 40/50

Intro: Bond goes underwater. Bring flippers...
Plot: Bond is sent to the Bahamas to recover a couple of stolen atomic warheads. 6
Villain: Emilio Largo, an eye-patched heavy who is upstaged by his own yacht. Fortunately he has a decent accomplice in slinky minx Fiona Volpe. 6
Girl: French beauty Domino, who looks good in a wetsuit and even better out of it. 7
Gadgets: Super-cool jet pack, handy underwater breathing device and a motorised aqualung that's the size of a washing machine. 7
Action: Fab pre-credits punch-up followed by too much underwater grappling. 5
Score: 31/50

Intro: Far East? Far out! It's Tokyo-oh-seven...
Plot: Bond is sent to Japan to find out who's been stealing US and Russian rockets. 8
Villain: Ernst Stavro Blofeld, finally revealed as a cat-stroking midget with a face like a cracked egg. 8
Girl: Kissy Suzuki, the Oriental agent Bond "marries" in order to hide out in a Japanese fishing village. 5
Gadgets: Autogyro Little Nellie, the DB5's airborne cousin. Blofeld's futuristic monorail deserves a special mention. 8
Action: A cracking ninja attack on SPECTRE's volcano HQ. 7
Score: 36/50

Intro: The best Bond Connery never made...
Plot: Bond tracks Blofeld down to his Alpine hideout and foils his plan to sabotage world farming. 8
Villain: Ernst again, miraculously reincarnated as an urbane Telly Savalas. 6
Girl: Suicidal countess Tracy Di Vicenzo, the only Bond babe to walk him up the aisle. 8
Gadgets: Sod all, unless you count a safe-cracking device so unwieldy Bond needs a crane to transport it. 2
Action: Not much in the first half, made up for in the second by a veritable orgy of winter sports mayhem. 9
Score: 33/50

Intro: Sean's swansong. Until the next one...
Plot: Bond heads to Vegas to stop Blofeld blackmailing the world with a diamond-encrusted satellite. 6
Villain: A mincing Charles Gray, so gay he comes with his own pair of homo-henchmen. 5
Girl: Sassy smuggler Tiffany Case, although showgirl Plenty O'Toole ("Named after your father, no doubt!") comes a close second. 7
Gadgets: Moon buggy, piton pistol (just the thing for scaling
skyscrapers) and a sperm-shaped sub Blofeld never gets to use. 4
Action: Sean kicks ass in the claustrophobic elevator fight only to be bitch-slapped by Bambi and Thumper. Shame! 5
Score: 27/50

Intro: No more Connery? Moore the merrier...
Plot: Bond heads for Harlem to confront a gangster intent on taking over the US drug trade. 5
Villain: Caribbean dictator Kananga and his tough-talking doppelganger Mr Big ("Names is for tombstones, baby!"). 5
Girl: Psychic virgin Solitaire, though Bond also gets his first black conquest in bumbling CIA agent Rosie. 7
Gadgets: Magnetic watch with secret buzzsaw, plus a shark gun that fires compressed air pellets. 3
Action: The set-piece speedboat chase doesn't leave much room for anything else. 6
Score: 26/50

Intro: He has a powerful weapon. And it's firing blanks...
Plot: Bond heads to the Far East to off a notorious hitman and recover a solar energy device. 4
Villain: Smiling assassin Scaramanga. Know him by his miniature assistant Nick Nack, mechanised funhouse and superfluous nipple. 7
Girl: Drippy ditz Mary Goodnight, so named to facilitate film's pathetically weak pay-off. 2
Gadgets: The titular golden gun, a neat piece of kit made up of a cigarette case, lighter, cufflink and pen. The bad guy also has a flying sedan. 3
Action: Boring boat chase and a flashy 360° car jump. 4
Score: 20/50

Intro: Roger finally gets his licence to Kiel...
Plot: Bond joins forces with a Russian agent to foil a mad billionaire intent on starting World War Three. 7
Villain: Fish-loving despot Karl Stromberg, though it's his steel-toothed heavy Jaws everyone remembers. 7
Girl: Major Anya Amasova, aka Triple X, aka Ringo Starr's missus. 6
Gadgets: It's hard to top the Lotus Esprit that turns into a submarine, though Q has a go with a gag-packed workshop sequence. 8
Action: Pretty much non-stop from the pre-credits parachute jump onwards. 8
Score: 36/50

Intro: In space, no one can hear you scream...
Plot: Bond heads into orbit to foil a mad billionaire intent on wiping out humanity. 4
Villain: Hugo Drax, a bonkers Frog with a neat line in menacing wordplay ("At least I shall have the pleasure of putting you out of my misery"). 6
Girl: Holly Goodhead, so named because she has a good head on her shoulders. As if! 4
Gadgets: Dart-firing wristwatch with in-built bomb, plus a Venetian gondola that doubles as a hovercraft. 5
Action: Slapstick fisticuffs building up to a downright stupid laser battle. 2
Score: 21/50

Intro: Less is definitely Moore...
Plot: Bond criss-crosses the Mediterranean to recover a missing missile launching system. 7
Villain: Aristotle Kristatos, a run-of-the-mill smuggler who outsources his thuggery to four-eyed henchman Locque. 5
Girl: Melina Havelock, a crossbolt-firing orphan determined to avenge her murdered parents. 6
Gadgets: A booby-trapped Lotus, various underwater vehicles and Q's primitive Identigraph. 4
Action: More credible than usual, though John Glen loses a point for putting Bond in a yellow Citroen 2CV. 7
Score: 29/50

Intro: Roger clowns around...
Plot: Bond heads to India to foil a Russian general intent on detonating a nuclear bomb in West Germany. 6
Villain: Sleek fence Kamal, though Steven Berkoff does the heavy lifting as crazed Commie Orlov. 7
Girl: Maud Adams, proving her wooden performance in /The Man With The Golden Gun/ was no fluke. 4
Gadgets: The mini-jet comes in handy, though the crocodile sub is a sight gag too far. 5
Action: Assorted dangers on a train and a violent scrap involving a chainsaw yo-yo. 6
Score: 28/50

Intro: Sean takes the money and runs...
Plot: Bond heads to the Bahamas to recover two Cruise missiles stolen by SPECTRE. 5
Villain: Grinning loon Maximilian Largo, with a bonus point apiece for deranged colleague Fatima Blush and Max Von Sydow's avuncular Blofeld. 8
Girl: Kim Basinger, as bland as bland can be. 2
Gadgets: Bond gets to ride a rocket-powered motorbike and play his first computer game. 6
Action: Connery's Scrublands fight with the late Pat Roach is a doozy.
Everything else is a washout. 4
Score: 25/50

Intro: Roger calls it a day...
Plot: Bond goes Stateside to foil a businessman who dreams of flooding Silicon Valley. 4
Villain: Max Zorin, the psychotic result of Nazi experiments who spends his downtime kickboxing with Grace Jones. 7
Girl: Former Charlie's Angel Tanya Roberts. Enough said. 3
Gadgets: Bond leaves Siberia in a motorised iceberg, while Christopher Walken has an airship that probably cost a fortune. Well, that's inflation for you! 4
Action: A car chase through Paris, a fire engine race through San Francisco and a dull climax on the Golden Gate Bridge. 4
Score: 22/50

Intro: Dalton makes his debut...
Plot: Bond heads to Afghanistan to stop diamonds being traded for drugs. 3
Villain: Take your pick between defecting Ruskie Jeroen Krabbe, bullish arms dealer Joe Don Baker and killer milkman Andreas Wisniewski. 5
Girl: Simpering cellist Maryam d'Abo. 3
Gadgets: Bond's Aston Martin Volante comes with some juicy "optional extras" that make it his coolest car since the Lotus. Q also gives him an exploding key ring. 7
Action: The car chase is fun, though the biggest bangs are saved for the spectacular mid-air finale. 8
Score: 26/50

Intro: Time up for Timothy...
Plot: Bond swears revenge on the South American drug lord who fed his friend to a shark. 4
Villain: Coke baron Franz Sanchez, a Scarface wannabe as slimy as his pet iguana. 3
Girl: Pam Bouvier, a pilot for hire with a gun in her garter. 5
Gadgets: Explosive toothpaste, an X-ray camera and a sniper rifle with a personalised palm reader. 4
Action: Brutal enough to fall foul of the BBFC and leave Dalton with a permanent scar on his hand, courtesy of Benicio Del Toro. 7
Score: 23/50

Intro: New Bond, new beginning...
Plot: Bond finds an old associate is behind the theft of a hi-tech helicopter and a plot to bring about a global financial crisis. 7
Villain: Alec Trevelyan, aka Janus, aka 006. Sean Bean to you. 8
Girl: Computer programmer Natalya Simonova. We'd have been happier, though, if Pierce had ended up with Xenia Onatopp. 8
Gadgets: Not many, with both the returning DB5 and a device-packed Beamer curiously underused. 3
Action: The best bungee jump ever and a tank chase to die for. 9
Score: 35/50

Intro: Brosnan gets into his stride...
Plot: Bond teams up with a Chinese agent to foil a media mogul out to bring their respective countries to the brink of war. 6
Villain: Rupert Murdoch clone Elliot Carver, the series' silliest bad guy by a country mile. 1
Girl: Wai-Lin, the first Bond girl to match him punch for punch. He still gets to rescue her at the end, though. 8
Gadgets: A remote-controlled saloon with missiles in its sunroof? Suits you, sir! 8
Action: Respectable, though not up to GoldenEye standards. 7
Score: 30/50

Intro: Desmond Llewelyn's last hurrah...
Plot: Bond woos an oil magnate's daughter in the hope it will flush out a terrorist with a bullet in his brain. 7
Villain: Robert Carlyle does a Begbie as slaphead bad guy Reynard. Shame he's half Brosnan's size. 5
Girl: Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist? No, they're not joking. 4
Gadgets: Projectile-launching BMW notwithstanding, there's nothing to top the speedboat Pierce bombs up the Thames in during the pre-credits sequence. 7
Action: The boat chase kicks ass. The rest, alas, feels perfunctory. 6
Score: 29/50

Intro: The one with Madonna...
Plot: After doing hard time in a North Korean jail, Bond sets out to find the traitor who put him there. 5
Villain: A gleeful Toby Stephens, going so over the top as Branson-esque entrepreneur Gustav Graves he's practically Dr Evil. 8
Girl: Halle Berry, going down the female Bond route as CIA bird Jinx. 7
Gadgets: Two words - invisible car. 1
Action: Great hovercraft chase. Fab swordfight. Fucking awful CGI. 3
Score: 24/50

Intro: Bond, rebooted and rejuvenated...
Plot: Having just earned his licence to kill, Bond is sent to Montenegro to beat a terrorist banker at cards. 8
Villain: Le Chiffre, a poker ace who sucks on an inhaler, cries blood and beats Daniel Craig's gonads with a knotted rope. 8
Girl: Eva Green, classy and exotic as the mysterious Vesper Lynd. 8
Gadgets: Refreshingly low-key for the most part, though that DIY defibrillator certainly earns its keep. 5
Action: Vigorous set-pieces involving Parkour, Miami airport and a sinking Venetian palazzo. 9
Score: 38/50

And the winner is...


Looks like he really does have the Midas touch...

The Total Film team are made up of the finest minds in all of film journalism. They are: Editor Jane Crowther, Deputy Editor Matt Maytum, Reviews Ed Matthew Leyland, News Editor Jordan Farley, and Online Editor Emily Murray. Expect exclusive news, reviews, features, and more from the team behind the smarter movie magazine.