We build the perfect Nintendo theme park

Dreams do come true

It's actually happening. Universal Parks and Resorts has announced that it will be teaming up with Nintendo to make real-world Nintendo theme park rides, which is undoubtedly the most exciting thing you'll hear today (even those of you who just won the lottery). Nintendo games and theme parks both play to our wildest childhood fantasies, so the thought of Nintendo properties being brought to life as thrill rides and roller coasters is like 200cc turbo fuel for our imaginations.

Donkey Kong Country Mine Cart Carnage Coaster

Mine carts, people. Mine carts. No one game company has done more for the most noble of platforming transportation than Nintendo. When everyone else said mine cart levels were old-hat in the early 90s, Nintendo thumbed its nose and showed that it was just everyone elses mine carts that were the problem, delivering in Donkey Kong Country the finest banging, clanging, freewheeling thrills ever seen in a video game. Later, when everyone else said platformers themselves were old-hat, Nintendo thumbed its other nose, and dropped Donkey Kong Country Returns, with a whole damn world of mine carts.

Nintendo knows that mine cart levels are amazing. It knows that a good mine cart level is the closest you can get to riding an amazing, lethally exciting roller coaster without leaving your house. In fact it knows that a good mine cart level is better than any roller coaster that exists, because it doesnt have to deal with sensible physics or health and safety legislation. And now Nintendo has access to real roller coasters. The boundaries of human recreation have just been smashed clean off.

Pokemon Snap Experience

Another on-rails attraction, this one is more sedate than that Donkey Kong roller coaster, but equally awesome. Before you start, everyone is given a few lures and one Pokeball to throw as they seek to get the highest score in a photography competition. Everyone's given a digital camera with an LCD viewfinder, and then you sit in your cart and try to get a great photo of a Pokemon. At any point, you can throw your single Pokeball. And if it hits a Pokemon, you get a plushie of that Pokemon when you exit the ride.

Escape from Zebes 4D

Recreating the climatic finale from 1994's Super Metroid, Escape from Zebes 4D follows intergalactic bounty hunter Samus Aran as she launches her final assault on the pirate base Tourian and Mother Brain. The ride is presented from Samus' point-of-view, and all the seats in the theater shake and jostle as she leaps through the base shooting down Metroids and dodging the automated defenses. And you know every time a Metroid gets blasted viewers get sprayed with a bit of water (aka Metroid goo).

Suddenly, the lights go out, and Mother Brain rises up in her full, horrific glory. Seeing this beast recreated with modern visuals makes you pine for a modern Metroid game not developed by Team Ninja. The rainbow-colored lights of the boss' hyper beam are blinding, but then the adorable baby Metroid intervenes. We all know what happens next, leading to Samus' mad dash back to her battleship. It's all explosions and sirens and shaking - so much shaking - as the entire planet gets ready to burn out in one fiery blast.

Splatoon Water Gun Park

The thing about theme parks is that theyre great to visit in summertime - which also means its usually really, really hot outside. What better way to cool off than by embracing your inner Inkling and drenching equally toasty opponents with squirt guns as you run around a giant, colorful map? Much like a lasertag arena, the Splatoon Park would let you participate for a select amount of time, running around and getting everyone as wet as possible.

Captain Toads Wild Ride

You step into the car, ready to spend a lovely day touring through the Mushroom Kingdom with your cheerful guide, Captain Toad. Toad is eager to show you all the gems he collected during his recent adventure, but before he can so much as throw a turnip, a giant bird comes and plucks him up, spiriting him away. You speed up to give chase, careening past sights like question mark blocks and flagpoles, bouncing up the cobblestones to Peachs castle before being knocked onto a go-kart racetrack by a wayward Chomp.

The bird flies by with a shrieking Toad as you break through the wall of the track and go over a waterfall to find yourself riding through the streets of Pianta Island. Mario flies by with FLUDD to help push you back on course, but an untimely swipe by a laughing Bowser instead sends you flying into space! You swoop and swirl around the planets of Mario Galaxy until helpful lumas get you back on track for Earth. You return to the Mushroom Kingdom in time to see Toadette bonk the bird on the head and rescue Captain Toad. Quite a wild ride, indeed!

Mii Plaza Street(Pass)

Venture into Mii Plaza and discover a disturbing and vivid recreation of a classic virtual Nintendo world - in real life! Lifelike human avatars will shamble about awkwardly as you enter, ready to greet you in a streetpass. Simply walk up to a near-person, yell out your name and, before theyve even responded, tell them what game youve been playing recently, even if its Settings.

Pikmin Explorer Zone

Step into larger-than-life version of a world that looks mysteriously like our own and explore alongside Captain Olimar and friends. Rather than being a finite ride with a beginning and end, the Pikmin Explorer Zone would be more like a playground filled with giant strawberries, cellphones, and other household objects strewn around a lush forest crawling with all manner of animatronic creatures.

F-Zero GX: The Ride

The F-Zero games have a reputation for being so fast, they'll make your eyes stream with tears and/or blood. Blinking is a surefire way to crash and burn, sending you careening to the back of the race, never to catch up to your future-car competitors. And F-Zero GX on the GameCube is the fastest of them all, with ludicrously punishing difficulty to boot. Ergo, it's perfect for a roller coaster specifically engineered to make attendees feel like they're flying so fast, their bone marrow is going to liquify.

If Universal wants to save some money and reduce the risk of bodily harm, it could utilize the kind of brain trickery seen in Star Tours, where hydraulics tip and shake your seat to match the motions on a gigantic 3D screen. Perhaps a hologram of Captain Falcon could serve as your at-the-helm guide, Falcon Punch-ing his way into your heart with witty banter. But it'd feel like a wasted opportunity not to go all-out with a strap-in roller coaster, with the kind of stomach-obliterating launch speed of Six Flags' Kingda Ka ride.

Kirby's Bounce House

When you're a parent at the end of their rope, taking your kids down to Goofy's Playhouse (formerly known as Goofy's Bounce House) is the reprieve you've been so desperately needing. It's not so much a ride as a dumping ground for energetic youngsters, which is a win-win: children get to literally bounce off the walls in a room that can accommodate their tiny, frenetic bodies, while parents can wait outside and rest their old bones for a spell.

Of all the cute and cuddly characters in Nintendo's roster, none can match the elastic, inviting fluffiness of that pink puffball Kirby. Picture, if you will, a house that transports tykes to Dream Land, with rooms themed around the wooly warmth of Kirby's Epic Yarn or the pastel prettiness of Kirby's Dream Land 3. And here's the kicker: the structure itself could be one gigantic Kirby in his classic suck-'em-up pose, with his vacuous mouth serving as the door. The mental image of kids excitedly filing into Kirby's black-hole stomach is priceless.

Legend of Zelda Lost Woods Maze

What better way to experience The Legend of Zelda's Hyrule that to walk around its environments with your own two feet? Take a location like the Lost Woods and the adventure makes itself. When you enter the Lost Woods maze, the sights, sounds, and music would instantly transport park-goers to the mysterious land of Hyrule. Just think about it. It could be like a scavenger hunt. You need to navigate the maze to pick up keys, unlock some gates, and traverse obstacles, and avoid enemies like Deku Scrubs that shoot foam balls at you.

Hidden Iwatas

One of the most meta bits of the Disney theme parks is the concept of Hidden Mickeys. They're like UFOs: even if you've never spotted one yourself, you've surely heard of the concept, and you hope to catch a glimpse of one yourself someday. For the uninitiated, Mickey's iconic three-circle, head-and-mouse-ears silhouette is all over the park, nestled away in backdrops, paintings, and all manner of ingenious hiding spots. For the Disney diehards that've been to Disneyland a hundred times, tracking down all the Hidden Mickeys becomes an attraction in and of itself.

And, of course, the obligatory Mario Kart raceway

There are plenty more amazing concepts for Nintendo and Universal to tackle - Luigi's Haunted Mansion, Flying Koopas, Jurassic Plessie River Ride, Spinning Yoshi Eggs, an Animal Crossing-themed coffee shop called The Roost Cafe (or Brewster's), and a Hotel Mario just outside the park grounds.