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Political Correctness gone mad
Let's face it, video games have never really been synonymous with political correctness. Some would argue that's part of their charm, others that all games should be banned. But then, if we banned everything in the world that someone might take offense to, we would only be left with David Attenborough. So instead, I've come up with some alternatives to--hopefully--keep all the parties happy.
Cooking Mama = Cooking Person
Cooking Mama? Cooking 'Mama'. Come on, now--all that's doing, surely, is perpetuating the stereotype that mum does all the cooking. Why not Cooking Papa? Well... then that sounds faintly Italian, which makes the whole game look like the Dolmio adverts. Which I actually happen to quite like, even though they should, by rights, be abhorrent. I mean, puppets, accents... on paper there's surely nothing worse in the whole world.
Vagrant Story = Person of no fixed abode story
Well, it's like Jimi Hendrix sung, isn't it? "You may call him a tramp / but I know it goes a little deeper than that / he's a person of no fixed abode who makes legal yet unusually thorough use of the highway and public footpath infrastructure". They don't write songs like that any more.
OutRun = OutRun (with an optional twist)
In OutRun, you drive your Ferrari (and it is a Ferrari, despite the lack of official license--just look at the prancing horse on the back) along beautiful coastal roads, with your blonde-haired girlfriend beside you in the passenger seat. You're driving, she's along for the ride. It's wish fulfilment for a lot of male gamers, but surely there should be the option to reverse the roles? Boom! There it is. I've fixed OutRun.
Blitz = Ritz
Blitz was one of the first games I ever played. It's set during World War II's infamous German bombing raids, and sees you flying a plane above skyscrapers (wait a minute...) trying to blow them up (hang about...) so you don't crash into the tops of them (this would NEVER get made today).
Duck Hunt = Clay Pigeon Hunt
I'm sure PETA would totally freak out if Duck Hunt was released today. The poor innocent ducks shot out of the sky for nothing but 'sport' is exactly the sort of thing they've been trying to stop for years. Yet Nintendo thought it was a great idea. Need a game to showcase the new NES light gun? Let's get them to blast some feathered fiends to kingdom come! The seal clubbing spin-off rumoured to have been in development for Wii never happened. Probably because I just made it up. But if this bloodbath got the green light, then why not?
Pac-Man and Ms Pac-Man = Pac People
Why does 'Pac-People' sound so ridiculous? Surely 'Pac-Man' and 'Ms Pac-Man' are just as bad? Just goes to show what political correctness can do, folks. Besides, by rights it would have started off as 'Puck People', which makes it sound like it's intended for children under the age of 5 who are being persuaded to try getting into hockey but were previously scared of the puck. I don't know. These are the sorts of connotations game companies agonize over for months when naming their games.
Christmas NiGHTS = Non-denominational Winter Holiday NiGHTS
In Christmas NiGHTS, as your Saturn's internal clock ticks over into December, the evergreen trees become decorated with lights and baubles, the snow becomes infused with sparkles and candy canes... and it all builds up to December 24, whereupon Santa and his reindeer take to the skies. FOR SHAME.
Are some games beyond help?
It's been a laugh tweaking these examples of games that left their political correctness at the door, but sadly it's just not possible to tweak all of the games in the world. But maybe you can help? Got any politically correct game names for famous games you'd care to share? Then by all means do so in the comments.
