What if... video games were stocks and shares

The Wolf Of Wall Street (Fighter)

Welcome to the VDYAGMZ 100, the worlds very first and only video game stock market, a place where game properties are bought and sold according to whether theyre hot or cold. Or, to put it more bluntly, a place where noobs come to empty their pockets into ours and the canny gamer can make the sort of killing that would make Sub Zero proud.

Here, no-one cares about how many polygons your environment boasts or if your arty narrative is going to change the way the mainstream looks at games, all we want to know is how the market will react. Up or down are the only directions that matter here. The point is that a greed--for gaming--is good. Now is any of this advice legally legit? Probably not--I dont know, Im not a fed--but Im going to give you the lowdown on what to buy, what to sell and how to do it while looking good in a suit. Get ready to dump your cash as quickly as possible, because Im only going to say this once... because all this white powder is going to my head and I could be making it all up.

Pokmon

Short of Half-Life 3 making a surprise release in the next ten minutes, there are fewer safer bets than these little pocket monsters that have been stealing sunlight from the masses since the 90s. And if turning the majority of kids in that decade into stat-addicted freaks isnt the best thing about that decade, then I dont want to know what is. The only way Nintendo could have made it better is by renaming that yellow one Pikapitalism-chu.

But the obvious reason this is an absolute goldmine for any serious investor is that those light starved kids have grown up and still hoover up the latest Pokmon releases, while a whole new generation is tasting its first legal addiction. Like oil, gold and a lack of responsibility for real stock markets, Pokmon is the blood pumping through the glorious VDGYAGMZ 100s veins, so you gotta catch them all! The stocks that is, not the Pokmon.

Tomb Raider

Not much will bring a tear to the eye of a VDYAGMZ 100 trader--being poor is usually the only one--but therell always be a soft spot in his heart for a comeback kid. And comebacks dont get better than Ms. Crofts. Once, back in the days of triangular graphics and when Sega was a console maker; she ruled over the market, her legacy presumably safe after she taught us that nothing is funnier than locking a butler in a freezer.

FIFA

The hardest thing to know on the VDYAGMZ market is when a stock has hit its glass ceiling. You can only go so high, right? Buddy, normally Id agree with you, but somehow FIFA is the gift that keeps on giving. Youd think adding on a mode that has microtransactions would enrage gamers, but no. The inverse is true. And, accordingly, the inclusion of Ultimate Team in FIFA is catnip to the VDYAGMZ fat cats--they cant get enough of it.

Generally, sports games are always going to be sound investments, because theres a huge overlap between people who love yelling when a match is happening and people who love yelling when playing a game. We both understand each other by now, so you know you need to buy in the sports market; but be smart and go for the most popular sport (which also applies to Madden in the US), that way youve got a safety net for this next risky investment...

Outlast

So far, weve been speaking about safe bets, the boring stuff that will make you enough money for your pension, but isnt going to get you a ridiculous yacht and a swimming pool full of whiskey. For those finer things, youre going to need to gamble. Thats where the indie market comes in: small games that very few people hear of to begin with, but then explode in popularity.

Take recent PS Plus hand-out Outlast. Like all indies that start out small and become primo stock overnight, it has a buzzy hook and captures the imagination of VDYAGMZ investors. It might start out small, but before you know it, everyone is talking about it and youre left with more money than sense, the way capitalism should be. Theyre pretty easy to spot, but the trick is riding that profit-y zeitgeist wave all the way to the whiskey pool of your dreams.

Call of Duty

If you even start to think this is a good investment, Ill almost feel sorry for you. Yeah, it still sells enough copies to finance a small nation and teenagers are never going to get bored of questioning the promiscuity of your mother, but theres only way this series is going and its not the way that will make you a profit on the VDYAGMZ 100.

The problem? Wheres the innovation! You've got to keep the shareholders happy and--at the moment--theyre abandoning their shares as they slowly start to realise that the perfect formula of Call of Duty 4 is never going to happen again. If youre desperate for a military shooter in your portfolio then its not your worst option, but you should be looking to sell these shares, if only to silence the sweary airwaves of COD online.

Battlefield

Well you cant have one without the other, can you? For years, hardcore investors banded together and sang the praises of shooting each other in the field of battle, but the market never really took too much notice, because it was too busy blasting each other away in another popular military shooter. Thanks to some good ol fashioned capitalism, just like God and Ronald Reagan would have wanted, EA made their premier shooter more like the competition to increase their audience.

And investors came flooding in, the original shareholders crowed about how they were right all along, inexperienced recruits happy with a change of scenery to air their bizarrely aggressive views and exasperated gamers who just wanted a good time. The real question you need to ask yourself is Has it peaked? With its value riding high but starting to wobble, you might want to look elsewhere for an opportunity to make some real profit.

The Last of Us

Sometimes you know an investment opportunity will be popular, but you cant prepare for just how popular it will be, like Justin Bieber or the PS4. Add The Last Of Us to that list, because it somehow manages to scratch every conceivable itch for any type of investor in the VDYAGAMZ 100, the sort of game that is a gift from the overlords of capitalism.

Put that money away though, Squirt (can I call you Squirt? Im going to stick with Squirt) because although The Last Of Us was a good property to pick last year, chances are its only direction on this market is downwards... for the time being. Its stuck on a last-gen platform and Naughty Dog doesnt seem convinced a PS4 port is worth its time, let alone a full sequel. Theres no time to be sentimental in the markets, so sell now while you can reap in those lovely profits and buy back if/when a sequel gets announced.

Angry Birds

Be careful now, I see that confident look in your eye, as if youve heard of how mobile gaming is going to take over the world and--in a few years--the phones will be using humans as the games, flinging us into walls to knock down those green piggy things. Then again, I think I have some Quaaludes in my system from last night, so thats probably them talking... Anyway, Angry Birds is the granddaddy, the mobile game that spelt the doom of everything, everywhere.

But, more importantly, you need to seriously check yourself before jumping on a mobile game in this market. Not only do they go through huge swings in popularity, but theres always another game around the corner to steal your investments thunder. Thats not to say theyre bad investment; but if you buy, make sure youre ready to sell as soon as a new one goes viral. Or preferably just before. Its all about reading the trends before they happen, Squirt.

Kingdoms of Amalur

And finally we have the hall of shame tucked away out back, next to the toilets. This is where games go to rest in peace, safe from the unforgiving market that mauled them to death. Dont worry about buying or selling in here, the only thing you need to do is take heed from the mistakes of investors past. Learn from their pitiful, beta ways to become the alpha male. Hey, Greek language is FUN!

And what better example than this relic of an RPG, Kingdoms of Amalur? Before it made its debut on the market, you thought it would have stood a chance. Yknow, ambitious new developer, kinda sounds like Mass Effect in Mordor whats not to love? But no market is ever predictable and, after its launch, most gamers took one look and said Well wait till it goes down in price! The death knell for any gaming stock, that.

Whaddya buyin'?

Right, time is money and you now owe me at least $2,000. For that, Ill set you up with a few games that are definitely going to make a killing soon. I have a tip off about some big announcements, but Im sure you know its all very hush-hush. Tell you what, though, Im a good guy and I want you to get filthy rich, so Ill knock a grand off if you tell me what you think in the comments below.