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8 baffling tales from the opening hours of Kingdom Come: Deliverance that prove you can even f*ck up the tutorial

Fact: Kingdom Come: Deliverance (opens in new tab) is unlike any other RPG around at the moment. You can’t save without a bottle of the rare Saviour Schnapps in your pocket, dressing in black with a hood is a must if you want to sneak properly, and don’t even try to throw together a potion without paying close attention to the number of times you pump the bellows (or the order you put ingredients in). Thanks to the mountains of Steam reviews (12,132 and counting (opens in new tab)) you can see just what that learning curve looks like. To save you all some time (and RSI from scrolling your mouse wheel to get to the good ones), I’ve rounded up the most bizarre tales I could find. Who knew that ye olden days were prime fodder for goofing around?

Goodbye hand-holding tutorials...

on my first quest i was told to get some tools back from the town drunk.

i broke into his house to try to steal them back, but the chest was locked.

i tried to find the guy who sells lockpicks but gave up on that and decided to try a different way.

i went back and just started punching the man, and was forced to run for my life after realizing he has the hands [sic].

i went to some woman’s home and knocked her unconscious and stole her onions, then sold the onions to buy charcoal for my father.

i then used the rest of the gold to go to the tavern and get drunk, thinking that it would up my speech enough to convince my fellow drunk to give the tools back.

i did not take into account that people do not want to talk after you punch them, and he quickly ran to a guard and i was thrown into jail.

i then burned to death in jail and had to restart.

this was the tutorial.

- junie b jones (opens in new tab)

Tutorial? What tutorial?

I spent two hours ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ about, getting drunk, throwing manure at homes, punching random civilians, stealing and eating everything in the village, beat the hell out of the same dude over and over, stealing his clothes, dressing up like him and beating him up in his sleep and punching horses all while entirely ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Eventually the guards captured me and threw me in jail where the village got burned down and the game ended.

- Sanny (opens in new tab)

The emotional rollercoaster

Spoiler mate:
I fight a priest in the church.
I beat the priest.
The priest and I go drinking.
We get drunk.
We have a night of debauchery.
The priest and I get lucky with two girls in the same barn.
We wake up drunk and go to church.
I give a sermon while drunk.
The town agrees with what I say.
The priest and I are now friends.

- Neb (opens in new tab)

Outsmarted by rabbits

I fast traveled to Rattay to go hunting with Lord Capon, got one hit killed by a jealous guard, had to restart the whole mission over again, spent 15 minutes of following the Lord with no horse, spent the next 30 minutes hunting one rabbit that broke half of my arrows, just had to settle with eating rotten cheese.

15th century times were tough.

- Dusk (opens in new tab)

Huntin’, fightin’, drinkin’

I needed money for a new sword to kill some bandits so I hunt some deer. I got 135 meat and sold them to various shops totalling 1000 coins.
I bought my sword and set of for the bandit. I managed to kill him with only a little life left, to reward myself I stole his chainmail and got it all fixed.

I also bought some fancy clothes and went down to the pub to get drunk as a reward. I won at dice completely smashed and rode my horse home, falling off multiple times, before I passed out. I got home and slept, when I woke up my hangover was terrible. After that I went to my PC and played the game, let's see what it has to offer!

- tGodb (opens in new tab)

Your everyday RPG psychopath

I stopped to investigate a dead deer on the trail and there was little left of it. A guy comes up behind me and accuses me of poaching, I deny it and accuse him. This really throws the man into a fury, and threatens to tell the law in the next town over. He darts off, and fast. I run after him, yelling that I cannot afford another fine, but he didn't listen... So one slash to the back with my pages sword and he's down on his knees. Another stab through his back and before I could check his coat for gold, a man is screaming way down the trail, calling for help. I throw all my clothes off, and dart towards the him. He’s still screaming for help, now realizes the maniac who he saw just murder a man in cold blood is rushing towards him. I am 60 pounds lighter, and catching up easily. The poor guy got to the outskirts of town before I tackled him from the back, and dragged him to the river bank. Out of the sight from village dwellers his blood ran down the river and as far as anybody knew, nothing happened. I didn’t even poach the deer, this whole thing was completely avoidable.

- Destroy Cumins (opens in new tab)

Always follow the torch law

-Am sitting AFK in town at night while I eat my sandwich IRL.
-Guard comes up "You there! Don’t tell me you don’t know about the torch law!??"
-FML I don’t know about any torch law.
-Make break for it
-Despite being town guard, fellow guardsman runs me down
-Guardsman demands my surrender
-Guardsman laughs "Should’ve followed the torch law.."
-Get stabbed to death by spear.
-MFW guards actually enforce laws

10/10 would forget my torch again.

- Taketheshot56 (opens in new tab)

*Sheds single tear*

1st person game that you can see your legs in.

- Lockheed (opens in new tab)

Want to step into a world as big as Kingdom Come: Deliverance? Here are the best open world games (opens in new tab) around right now.

Zoe was once a features writer and video presenter at GamesRadar, but she's since flown the coop and gone on to work at Eurogamer. There she's a video producer, and also runs her own Twitch and YouTube channels. She specialises in huge open-world games, true crime, and lore deep-dives.