It’s the first week of July and temperatures are soaring, making the days hotter than a Megan Fox close-up.
Looking for relief (from the heat, not Megan Fox) we have compiled a list of the frostiest movie moments, with tips on how they might help cool you down.
So join us for a sub-zero countdown set to put this horrendous heat on ice…
Cold Gun Fun
The Film: Batman & Robin (1999)
The Cold Moment: CHILL! There’s a heat-wave in Gotham, and Mr. Freeze has the cure, but stopping him spreading the ice-based love are the pesky caped-types, Bat-Clooney and The Boy O’Donnell.
PHEW! While the dynamic duo sweat it out in heavy rubber suits, Mr. Freeze has no problems staying cool – his whole body constantly refrigerated by a special suit (imagine the bliss).
SWOOP! The pair perform a series of highly unnecessary set-pieces, which, given the heat, just make it look like they’re showing off. They seriously need to chill out.
ZAP! Mr. Freeze, sensing that Robin must be ever so hot in all that black rubber, hits him with a blast from his ‘Cold Gun’, instantly turning the hot-headed youth into a glorious popsicle.
BOO! Bats jealous of Robin’s new cooler outlook, declines to give chase, opting instead to take home his new frozen companion and defrost him. Boo indeed.
How To Recreate It: We all remember the classic super-soaker, joy bringer of our youth, able to tag your foes from fifty paces? How it laughed in the face of the regular water pistol.
Fill one with icy H2O from the office water cooler, and commit a little super-soaker hari-kari at your desk, several times an hour.
Next: Ice Planet Ecstasy [page-break]
Ice Planet Ecstasy
The Film: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
The Cold Moment: The film opens on the Ice Planet Hoth, the best planet ever invented, with Luke Skywalker out on patrol during an awesome blizzard.
Apparently, in order to lay low from the heat of the Empire, the rebels chose the most remote place they could find in hope of avoiding detection.
The real truth is that the Rebel Alliance was sick to the back teeth of stifling heat waves, and set out on the most holy of pilgrimages for the promised land.
Skywalker is minding his own business, understandably enjoying the blizzard, the experience like all his Christmases rolled into one (our words, not his).
Unfortunately, a Wampa tries to kill him in the face, dragging him out of his beloved sub-zero weather and into a considerably warmer cave.
His face all shades of ugly, Luke manages to free himself from his predicament with a little lightsaber love and sets off on his Hothian steed, a Tauntaun, back into the fun-filled snow storm.
The ecstasy-inducing conditions are two much for the indigenous creature, and it collapses and dies of sheer joy, leaving Luke to enjoy it all by himself.
Arriving to spoil the party is Han Solo, who finds young Skywalker passed out, overcome by the terrific sensation of being covered in snow.
He cuts open the stomach of the Tauntaun and throws Luke inside, using the still warm body to heat Luke back up to a wholly uncomfortable temperature.
Never did trust that Han Solo fellow. He shot first, you know.
How To Recreate It: Take advantage of the summer savings down at Iceland by buying up a shipment of frozen peas, and turning your living room into a pea palace.
With bags of peas piled high to form furniture and bags of peas covering the floor, you’ll need to turn up your brand new A/C unit to 11, and sit back and enjoy the tennis, on your bags-of-peas mounted flat screen TV.
Next: Snow Bathing [page-break]
The Film: The Thing (1982)
The Cold Moment: In order to escape the unbearable temperatures the other six continents have to offer, a crew of scientists head down to Antarctica for a little respite.
Once there, the quite fantastic sounding blizzards, hailstorms and icy winds create just the kind of environment a man needs to escape a heatwave.
Annoyingly, this heavenly eden is shattered by a shape-shifting alien, which moves among the crew, wreaking havoc on their snowman building contest.
In the end though, a thoroughly miffed MacCready (Kurt Russel) reigns on the thing’s parade with flamethrower-based fury.
With his foe presumably dead, MacCready heads out into the great white wilderness, most likely for a spot of snow bathing - similar to sunbathing, except infinitely more awesome.
How To Recreate It: Get a job at your local supermarket, where they will have a huge refrigerated cold room in the back.
Sure people will laugh when you turn up to work in full extreme-weather duds, but once you lock yourself in the giant freezer, you’ll be able to spend all day away from the hostile conditions outside.
You also won’t really care about being fired, which tends to happen when you disappear on shift.
Next: Ice Fortress Hideout [page-break]
Ice Fortress Hideout
The Film: Superman (1978)
The Cold Moment: The Big Blue Boy Scout is no fool, and when things heat up, the Man of Steel cools down by heading to his Fortress of Solitude.
In a stroke of absolute genius that makes Batman look like an imbecile, Supes has gone and put his secret hideaway in the Arctic – underground caves are for heat wave loving losers.
Superman ended up destroying the fortress after Lex Luther and a bunch of other folks learned of it's location, making it less of the solitude, more of the everyone-itude. Thankfully he turns back time, the cheeky bugger, and gets his Ice Lair back.
Made completely out of a Kryptonian crystal, the Fortress lies hidden amongst the vast Arctic expanse, and contains all Kal-El’s important things; links to his Kryptonian heritage, souvenirs from defeated foes, beer.
We like to think Superman uses it like his version of a mini-fridge, where after a long day at the office, he retires to crack open a cold one, and watch the tennis in a far more reasonable climate.
How To Recreate It: Use one of the stationary cupboards as a storage room for those snap ice-packs you get in first aid kits, and retire there for ice-based relief whenever necessary - tell no one!
Next: Ice 'Prison' Vacation [page-break]
Ice 'Prison' Vacation
The Film: Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
The Cold Moment: Kirk and Bones are accused of assassinating a Klingon diplomat, and sentenced to life’s hard labour in the dilithium mines of ice planet Rura Penthe. Some people get all the luck.
With its supposedly harsh conditions, the frozen planet sounds like a bloody holiday to us. We’d much rather do a week of mining in that paradise, than spend another day in this God-forsaken office, with all its pesky warmth.
Not content with living in sub-zero luxury, the mental pair attempt escape. For some reason they want to get back to Earth – silly boys, everyone knows Earth is baking hot.
Their escape attempt fails, but just as they are coming around to the idea that staying on that awesomely cold planet is the best idea all round, Spock goes and turns up and ruins it by ‘rescuing’ them. Pointy-eared prick.
How To Recreate It: As the planet is named after a Siberian penal colony in War & Peace, forget about your hols to Cleethorpes this summer and fly one way straight to the desolate Russian region.
It's a wonder more people don't live there, with all their snow and ice the place is clearly on to something.
Next: Frozen River Love-In [page-break]
Frozen River Love-In
The Film: Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind (2004)
The Cold Moment: In a highly romantic scene, on/off lovers (we think) Joel and Clementine cool their steamy passion by lying on the frozen river Charles in Massachusetts.
In all honesty we aren’t sure if they are together at this point, whether they’ve had their minds erased yet, or if we really like Kirsten Dunst, but we do know this;
Joel and Clementine are laughing at you.
Look at them, frolicking on that vast expanse of ice, its frosty caress embracing their being, ensuring they don’t come close to perspiring.
And they have the nerve to just lie there, chatting, cooler than a snowman’s cold bits, happy as polar bears in snow. It’s enough to make you sick.
They don’t have to suffer offices acting like damn greenhouses and melting their souls, oh no, not them. Those bastards.
Thankfully the film ends with the pair completely miserable. We think.
How To Recreate It: Find the nearest Ice Rink, strip to your essentials, and lie on the glorious, glorious ice.
Note: Remain vigilant about certain appendages when people skate by.
Next: Ice Cube Foreplay [page-break]
Ice Cube Foreplay
The Film: Do The Right Thing (1989)
The Cold Moment: It’s summer in Noo Yawk. It’s muggy, close and unbearably hot – a situation with which, strangely enough, we completely sympathise.
Mookie (Spike Lee), in his infinite wisdom, is after a bit of a rug shuffle with the smoking hot Tina (Rosie Perez), who wants none of what he’s offering.
In the greatest stroke of genius since the walk-in freezer, Mookie relieves Tina of her stuffy, restrictive clothing, and make a quick trip to the freezer.
Returning with two trays of ice, he tells a protesting Tina to lie down on the bed, before slowly tracing melting ice-cubes over every inch of her sizzling flesh.
The ice melts almost instantly on contact, the cold, cold water spreading its sweet, sweet relief as Mookie moves it across here forhead, arms, legs, and finally nipples.
By the time he’s finished, Tina has not only stopped complaining, but she’s hotter for Mookie than a Noo Yawk summer – and we’ve never wanted an ice tray on hand more.
Damn Spike Lee. He isn’t just teasing Tina in that scene, oh no, he’s teasing us.
How To Recreate It: Take a cooler filled with ice cubes on your next tube journey.
When it gets a little hot for comfort, simply break out a cube and go to work on your nipples.
Be prepared for funny looks from the rest of the passengers... though it may just be envy.
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