50 Unsexiest Movie Moments

Team America: World Police (2004)

The Scene: Actor and newly recruited anti-terrorist fighter Gary Johnston consummates his relationship with Lisa.

Unsexiest Moment: Some of the most mind-blowing sex seen in a Hollywood movie. It's just a shame that they're marionettes.

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

The Scene: Faced with the prospect of imminent annihilation, the rebels of Zion have a choice. Rave, or shag?

Unsexiest Moment: Neo (Keanu Reeves) and Trinity (Carrie-Ann Moss) choose the latter option, but struggle to show any passion - presumably because of the incessant din outside.

Get Him To The Greek (2010)

The Scene: Record company stooge Aaron Green (Jonah Hill), on a mission to keep rock star Aldous Snow (Russell Brand) under control, instead finds himself contemplating a one-night stand.

Unsexiest Moment: Did we say contemplating? Destiny (Carla Gallo) doesn't give him much choice, and assaults him with a dildo.

Demolition Man (1993)

The Scene: John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone) and Lenina Huxley (Sandra Bullock) have sex 2032-style - no "fluid transfer."

Unsexiest Moment: Digitised sex via headsets or, to put it another way, Stallone pulling his cum face without cumming.

Casino (1996)

The Scene: Unlikely unions in cinematic sex: leggy Sharon Stone, at the height of her sex-bomb fame, and diminutive Joe Pesci.

Unsexiest Moment: Yes, it's supposed to be tacky and tragic. Even so, it's amongst the creepiest things Martin Scorsese ever filmed, which is saying something.

Jackie Brown (1997)

The Scene: Not to be outdone by his mate Joe Pesci in Casino , grizzled Robert De Niro has a lacklustre coupling with Bridget Fonda.

Unsexiest Moment: There and then in the kitchen, still standing up, without even stripping off? Why, Bobby, you old smoothie, you.

About Schmidt (2002)

The Scene: Warren Schmidt (Jack Nicholson), desperate to break up his daughter's marriage, meets Roberta (Kathy Bates), the mother of his prospective son-in-law.

Unsexiest Moment: A naked Roberta makes a pass at Schmidt in the hot tub. It isn't pretty.

Gigli (2003)

The Scene: Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) might be a lesbian, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want Larry Gigli (Ben Affleck) to give her oral pleasure.

Unsexiest Moment: Even the sexiest stars can lose their lustre when required to deliver the worst come-on in cinema history: "it's turkey time," she tells Gigli with all the passion of reading out the phone directory. "Gobble gobble."

The Naked Gun (1988)

The Scene: Lt Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) gets his end away with Jane Spencer (Priscilla Presley), but at least they're practising safe sex.

Unsexiest Moment: A brilliant sight gag in theory - the two are wearing body-condoms - goes awry because of the poor taste involved in ridiculing prophylactics during the AIDS era.

Knocked Up (2007)

The Scene: Ben Stone (Seth Rogen) can't believe it when he gets a one-night stand with out-of-his-league hottie Alison Scott (Katherine Heigl). To be fair, neither can she.

Unsexiest Moment: Words paint a thousand unflattering pictures, as the post-shag autopsy reveals she didn't know he wasn't wearing a condom. "I was drunk!" Alison snaps. "Was your vagina drunk?" retorts Ben.

The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)

The Scene: "I can't give you the love you want. I'm a plant," insists Swamp Thing (Dick Durock). "That's OK, I'm a vegetarian," replies Abby (Heather Locklear).

Unsexiest Moment: So how's that gonna work in practice? She's going to have a salad?

Alexander (2004)

The Scene: Roxana (Rosario Dawson) tries to kill Alexander The Great (Colin Farrell) but he talks her into having sex instead.

Unsexiest Moment: Some sex scenes are too ludicrous to be a turn-on, and the combination of clichéd surroundings (fur rugs and firelight), big hairdos and facial expressions that look like both of them are having a poo, stop this being sexy.

Barbarella (1968)

The Scene: Barbarella (Jane Fonda) and Dildano (David Hemmings) have sex the new-fashioned way - by taking transference pills and pressing their hands together.

Unsexiest Moment: The experience might be (literally) hair-raising for Barbarella, but it doesn't exactly do a lot for anyone watching.

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives (2010)

The Scene: A Thai princess (Wallapa Mongkolprasert) takes a dip in a secluded pool, little realising she's sharing it with a horny catfish.

Unsexiest Moment: The catfish gets to work, tail thrashing. Is it: a) silly; b) disturbing; or c) WTF? Answers on a postcard.

Life Is Sweet (1990)

The Scene: Bulimic Nicola (Jane Horrocks) invites her lover (David Thewlis) over for sex.

Unsexiest Moment: Turns out Nicola can only be turned on by having chocolate spread licked off her, which is less fun to watch than it sounds.

The Silence Of The Lambs (1991)

The Scene: Jame Gumb, aka Buffalo Bill (Ted Levine) gets dressed up while his latest victim makes an escape bid.

Unsexiest Moment: Bad enough that Buffalo Bill is making himself a suit of female skin; in the meantime, he's reduced to prancing around with his cock pushed between his legs.

Pink Flamingos (1972)

The Scene: The Marbles, Connie (Mink Stole) and Raymond (David Lochary), plot to usurp Babs Johnson (Divine) as the filthiest people alive.

Unsexiest Moment: In a film full of sick, twisted, unprintable stuff, the sight of the Marbles' toe-sucking sex life still manages to be one of its iggest turn-offs.

Holy Smoke! (1999)

The Scene: Ruth Barron (Kate Winslet) has a naked meltdown during her deprogramming by exit counsellor P.J. Waters (Harvey Keitel).

Unsexiest Moment: P.J. initially refuses to get physical, until Ruth wees herself... This obviously turns him on, because next thing he knows he's pumping away.

Lost Highway (1997)

The Scene: Fred Madison (Bill Pullman) has strange visions after having sex with his wife Renee (Patricia Arquette).

Unsexiest Moment: David Lynch's ability to freak out the audience extends to supposedly intimate moments, as the pale features of the Mystery Man (Robert Blake) is superimposed over Renee's face.

The Tall Guy (1989)

The Scene: Actors Dexter King (Jeff Goldblum) and Kate Lemmon (Emma Thompson) seemingly can't help overacting even when having it off.

Unsexiest Moment: Extreme room-trashing caused by bouncing buttocks. Funny, yes. Sexy, no.

9 Songs (2004)

The Scene: Matt (Kieran O'Brien) ties and blindfolds Lisa (Margo Stilley) to a bed and then goes to town on her.

Unsexiest Moment: This would be fine, except a) we've already seen these two have sex over and over again and b) Matt kills the mood by droning on about some kind of beach-themed roleplay.

Color Of Night (1994)

The Scene: Psychiatrist Bill Capa (Bruce Willis) starts an affair with the mysterious Rose (Jane March).

Unsexiest Moment: Their poolside sex-session is going quite well until we get a distracting gander at Willis' willy - and, thanks to shrinkage, it isn't exactly a Brucey bonus.

Boogie Nights (1997)

The Scene: One lucky punter gets to shag a porn-star, when he's dragged into a limo by Roller Girl (Heather Graham). That's lucky, right?

Unsexiest Moment: Wrong. When the guy starts taking the piss, Roller Girl kicks the shit out of him - and remember, she's wearing roller skates.

Super (2010)

The Scene: Amateur superhero 'Boltie,' aka Libby (Ellen Page), gets carried away with her "powers" and pounces on fellow crime-fighter 'The Crimson Bolt,' aka Frank (Rainn Wilson).

Unsexiest Moment: The stuff of steamy fan-fic becomes tawdry reality, as unhinged Libby tells Frank she's "all gushy."

Shoot 'Em Up (2007)

The Scene: Drifter Mr Smith (Clive Owen) and 'lactating hooker' Donna (Monica Belluci) are interrupted mid-coitus by gunmen.

Unsexiest Moment: The ultimate juxtaposition of sex 'n' violence, as the lovers continue to go for it even as the bodycount mounts up.

Fargo (1996)

The Scene: En route to a fake kidnap, crooks Carl Showalter (Steve Buscemi) and Gaear Grimsrud (Peter Stomare) hire a couple of cheap hookers.

Unsexiest Moment: What's less sexy than seeing one bored prostitute bouncing unenthusiastically on a near-comatose bloke watching telly? Seeing two bored prostitutes, etc.

Videodrome (1982)

The Scene: Max Renn (James Woods) broadcasts the kinky stuff on his cable station. Even so, Nicki Brand (Debbie Harry) might be too much for him.

Unsexiest Moment: Nicki's idea of foreplay: putting out a lit cigarette on her breast. Ouch.

Crank (2006)

The Scene: Forced to keep up his adrenaline or die - don't ask - Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) demands his girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart) has sex with him in the street.

Unsexiest Moment: It's hard to know what's less sexy: the crowd of whooping onlookers, or the queasy rape-o subtext of Eve's initial reluctance giving way to screaming bliss once Chev starts pumping away.

Angel Heart (1987)

The Scene: Harry Angel (Mickey Rourke) has rough sex with Epiphany (Lisa Bonet) - daughter of Johnny Favorite, the guy he's been hired to track down by Louis Cyphere (Robert De Niro).

Unsexiest Moment: Disturbing enough that they're soon splattered in a bizarre downpour of blood, but when we later learn that Angel is Favorite - and therefore committing incest - the turn-off is complete.

Kingpin (1996)

The Scene: Washed-up ten-pin king Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) foregoes his rent to his fugly landlady (Lin Shaye) one too many times. Now he has to forego his dignity.

Unsexiest Moment: A scene whose gory details we are spared. Suffice to say, the aftermath involves Roy talking to God on the big white telephone.

Body Of Evidence (1993)

The Scene: Pervy lawyer Frank Dulaney (Willem Dafoe) is seduced into a sado-masochistic afffair by the murder suspect he's defending, Rebecca Carlson (Madonna).

Unsexiest Moment: Madge spills hot wax on Dafoe and he thrives about in supposed pain/pleasure. Hot stuff - just not in a good way.

Max Mon Amour (1986)

The Scene: Margaret Jones (Charlotte Rampling) isn't getting enough attention from her husband, so she takes Max as a lover. Max, we should point out, is a chimpanzee.

Unsexiest Moment: Max starts pawing Margaret at a dinner party. Not in front of the guests, Max.

The Shining (1980)

The Scene: Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) is lured into Room 237 of the Overlook Hotel by a naked young woman taking a bath.

Unsexiest Moment: As they embrace, the woman becomes a hideously disfigured old crone.

Essential Killing (2010)

The Scene: Escaped terrorist Mohammed (Vincent Gallo) hasn't eaten for days, so when he stumbles upon a breast-feeding mother his hunger gets the better of him.

Unsexiest Moment: Mohammed bundles the baby out of the way to suck the breast milk for himself.

Teeth (2007)

The Scene: Dawn O'Keefe (Jess Weixler) - a woman whose vagina has teeth - gets revenge on the stepbrother who let her mother die, by having sex with him.

Unsexiest Moment: Plenty of men have their cocks bitten off during this film, but this is the only one that gets carried off and eaten by a passing dog.

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

The Scene: Bill Harford (Tom Cruise), on a mission to have a revenge shag after hearing his wife's (Nicole Kidman) fantasies of adultery, sneaks into a masked orgy.

Unsexiest Moment: It's got to be a turn-off trying to have a shag when there are dozens of masked men standing there and watching. They don't even seem to be enjoying it.

Splice (2009)

The Scene: Scientist Clive Nicoli (Adrien Brody) realises that the hybrid creature he's created - Dren (Delphine Chaneac) - has a libido.

Unsexiest Moment: This would be weird enough if it was simply a guy shagging a bald woman who had a tail. But the fact that Clive brought Dren up as his daughter is all kinds of wrong.

Braindead (1992)

The Scene: It's bad enough that Lionel Cosgrove (Timothy Balme) has to herd a dinner party of the man-eating undead, without two of them trying to go at it.

Unsexiest Moment: Notwithstanding the deathly pallor and decaying flesh, it's difficult to get turned on watching two 'people' more likely to eat other than fall in love.

Young Adam (2002)

The Scene: Joe Taylor (Ewan McGregor) loses his rag when he finds out girlfriend Cathie Dimly (Emily Mortimer) has only served custard for dinner.

Unsexiest Moment: Messy in every sense, as Joe raids the pantry and chucks all of its contents over Cathie before having sex.

Kissed (1996)

The Scene: Mortuary assistant and wannabe necrophiliac Sandra Larson (Molly Parker) finally takes delivery of a stiff handsome enough to be 'the one.'

Unsexiest Moment: Bathing Sandra in angelic light as she rides a corpse to orgasm doesn't make it any less fucked-up.

Japon (2002)

The Scene: A suicidal drifter (Alejandro Ferretis) talks Ascen (Magdalena Flores), the old woman she's staying with, into having sex.

Unsexiest Moment: A sex scene that's all the more raw and uncomfortable because the actors are non-professionals. This is something only an art-house auteur could convince you is something you'd want to see.

Society (1989)

The Scene: Bill Whitney (Billy Warlock) discovers he's been adopted. Nothing unusual in that, except his 'family' are actually deformed monsters who like nothing better than to 'shunt.'

Unsexiest Moment: What's shunting? Imagine an orgy in which the participants merge and melt into each other.

Clerks 2 (2006)

The Scene: Randal (Jeff Anderson) arranges a surprise leaving present for best mate Dante (Brian O'Halloran) - a sex show between Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud.

Unsexiest Moment: And what a surprise it is! The Sexy Stud is a fat man in leather, and Kinky Kelly is a donkey. It's such a bad leaving present Dante ends up staying.

Possession (1981)

The Scene: Cuckolded husband Mark (Sam Neill) follows straying wife Anna (Isabelle Adjani) to her love-shack, only to find her lover isn't quite what he expected.

Unsexiest Moment: Mark catches Anna shagging a tentacled monster which, coincidentally, she gave birth to.

Showgirls (1995)

The Scene: Up-and-coming Vegas showgirl Nomi Malone (Elizabeth Berkley) shows her boss Zack (Kyle MacLachlan) what up-and-coming really means.

Unsexiest Moment: Designed as the ultimate Hollywood soft-porn extravaganza, what emerges on-screen is two actors thrashing about like dolphins in a swimming pool trying to stop their careers from sinking.

Howard The Duck (1985)

The Scene: After being rescued by Howard The Duck (voiced by Chip Zien), Beverley (Lea Thompson) ends up in bed with him.

Unsexiest Moment: "I just can't seem to find the right man," Beverley says wistfully. "Maybe it's not a man you should be looking for!" Howard replies with a nudge and a wink. George Lucas' slide towards the Star Wars prequels starts here.

Necromantik (1987)

The Scene: Rob (Daktari Lorenz) brings home a rotting corpse for his girlfriend Betty (Beatrice Manowski) to enjoy.

Unsexiest Moment: They attach a steel rod to the corpse so Betty has something to ride.

Crash (1996)

The Scene: Gabrielle (Rosanna Arquette) seduces car-fetishist James Ballard (James Spader) by showing off her scars.

Unsexiest Moment: James puts it into the wound in the back of Gabrielle's thigh, creating a particularly niche take on 'every hole's a goal.'

In The Realm Of The Senses (1976)

The Scene: Kichizo Ishida (Tatsuya Fuji) decides he's into erotic asphyxiation, but lover Sada Abe (Eiko Matsuda) accidentally strangles him to death.

Unsexiest Moment: What's her first response on finding she's killed her boyfriend? Call the police? Hide the body? Nope: cut off his penis.

Last Tango In Paris (1972)

The Scene: On-off lovers Paul (Marlon Brando) and Jeanne (Maria Schneider) reunite in their love-nest, where Paul decides to up the stakes with a little help from a tub of butter.

Unsexiest Moment: Lard as lube? The scene that scandalised a generation now looks like a particularly grim piece of Brando improv.