Zachary Quinto
Why It's Awesome: Because OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR FOREHEAD?
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: As befitting the man who would eventually play Spock, Zach looks exquisitely, meticulously geeky, with a cast-iron sideparting and a smug grin of winning at maths.
Typical School Day: Quinto would be a straight-A student – the dark secret, of course, being that he was stealing the correct answers to everything from the smart kids. BY EATING THEIR BRAINS.
Uma Thurman
Why It's Awesome: It looks like her mum cuts her hair.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Brain! The distinctive looks upon which Tarantino’s future muse would build a career are nascent, and she looks bright-eyed and casually dressed.
Typical School Day: Bewitching the nerdiest kid in school and propping up her academic career by convincing him to do all her homework.
Robin Williams
Why It's Awesome: He looks like Robin Williams! Only thinner and with neater hair!
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Skinny, angular features, thin-lipped smile and crisp white suit mark the junior Williams out as a scolar. He’s a brain.
Typical School Day: Misunderstanding the Horatian quotation which he would one day enunciate onscreen, Williams spends his typical school day in a drug-induced seizure.
Teri Hatcher
Why It's Awesome: Because Teri Hatcher is really annoying and she looks terrible in this picture.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: We’d say princess but for the faint shading of a moustache, which realistically only leaves misfit or, worse still, jock.
Typical School Day: Talking miserable gossipy nonsense with a pack of screeching gal pals for ages even though everyone stopped paying attention years ago.
Tom Cruise
Why It's Awesome: He looks so sinister! Like, crazy sinister, like one day he could end up the second in command of some cult or something. HAHAHA! Hahaha. Ha.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Barring the Vulcan eyebrows (can you get them straightened?) this is the same Tom we know and love only smaller. If there was a second-hand car salesmen category the fat-knotted tie would drop him in it, but there isn’t so jock it is.
Typical School Day: Tom pays reportedly huge sums for private tuition, the precise content of which is a closely guarded secret.
Richard Gere
Why It's Awesome: Because it shows that sometimes millionaire sex symbols can also look like plastic-headed lego men.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: He looks every inch the brain here – everything that can be buttoned down is, there’s a look of inquisitive intensity in those eyes, and that wild tangle of irresistible hair has been tamed in the name of knowledge.
Typical School Day: Spend an painful age decided what uniform to wear while a Venetian blind casts a slatted shadow across his naked torso, before going to school and doing whatever the hell he likes because he’s Richard Gere.
Meg Ryan
Why It's Awesome: Because the When Harry Met Sally star is almost unrecognisable from even her early-fame self. Or maybe we’re just thinking of Michelle Pfieffer. Or Melanie Griffith.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Too vacant to be a brain, too pretty to be a geek, not glam enough for a princess and obviously not a jock – Meg’s going down as a misfit.
Typical School Day: Unremarkable, except for making some kind of inappropriate fuss in the lunch hall and refusing to talk to anyone all afternoon.
Matt Damon
Why It's Awesome: Because Matt Damon is one of the best and most intelligent actors working today, and in this picture it looks like he wants nothing more than to be Patrick Swayze.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: We’d love to say jock, but look at that white tee and leather jacket combo. Along with the amazing air-hair it speaks of a try-hard boy used to picking his lunch off the floor alone. Misfit.
Typical School Day: Productive and popular. Matt’s in with all the crowds – the girls like his looks, the jocks like that he can do athletic action, and his teachers like his ability to use his brain once in a while.
Madonna
Why It's Awesome: It’s difficult to tell whether she looks scarier now, with gargoyle arms and terror veins, or in this picture.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Weirdly, with the neat-brushed bob and mousy conservatism, she looks like a brain. Tiny ear-studs and everything. How deceptive looks can be.
Typical School Day: Pack all 23 of the day’s costume changes into school bag. Arrive early and to positive reaction from fellow students, suffer bland midday slump in popularity before reinventing self in girl’s bathroom for a resurgent afternoon.
Jeremy Piven
Why It's Awesome: Because it’s OK to laugh, knowing that The Piv turned out amazing in the end.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Judging by the meek smile, braces and fashion black hole collar, so much of a misfit he presumably lived in a cave. Poor The Piv.
Typical School Day: Talking fast in a desperate attempt to make people laugh before their punches connect with his face. Excellent training for the improve circuit.
Kelly Brook
Why It's Awesome: Because she looks like overbite-faced Simpsons twins Sherri and Terri. Ha! Take that you glamorous success, you.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: We’d say those clothes marked her out as a misfit, but having also grown up in Kelly’s hometown Rochester in the ‘80s can attest that drab polyester was the norm. We’ll go for the unlikely title of brain, then.
Typical School Day: Spent entirely thinking about one day no longer living in Rochester. And also maybe about bald men.
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Why It's Awesome: Because she looks fun and relaxed and like not the kind of image-obsessed mental you’d usually expect Hollywood stars in waiting to be.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: With that scruffy hair, lopsided collar and careless giggling? A wandering misfit.
Typical School Day: Normal, barring an early afternoon swimming lesson during which everyone bitches about Jennifer having thighs strong enough to support a human frame and the fact she eats food.
James Gandolfini
Why It's Awesome: Because for as long as he’s been on screen, he’s been the same shape – pretty much a square. Then suddenly, a chin.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: A big brawny, smiling jock. Yeah, the hair slides into geek territory a little, but barring hidden misfit social dysfunction, Gandolfini is a big lug of sporting social acceptance.
Typical School Day: SUV over the bridge, some loungey rock on the radio. Arrive and head up meeting of school prefects. Archie’s returns ain’t been so good so he’s taken round back and his tie is peanuted – permanently. School counsellor after lunch – quiet, ‘cos none of the guys know. Lunch of eight cannolis, then that bridge ride home.
Denzel Washington
Why It's Awesome: Because he looks the same. Smaller, obviously, and with less powerful teeth, but basically the same handsome guy.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Hard to say. He just looks like Denzel Washington.
Typical School Day: Win at every subject by furrowing his brow and doing an incredible earnest face, then stealing the teachers’ hearts forever by flashing that ka-billion dollar smile.
Charlize Theron
Why It's Awesome: Oh man, we keep shutting our eyes and then opening them and seeing the picture and bursting into laughter again.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Brain. Also, Brains, the football-bonced science puppet from Thunderbirds.
Typical School Day: Wake up, look at beautiful face in the mirror, place inexplicably huge and ugly glasses onto face, go to school, cry.
David Hasselhoff
Why It's Awesome: Because the Hoff looks like a cross between Superman and Ryan Phillippe. And wait – does this mean it was a perm the whole time?
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Incredo-jock – like, win a game of football with just those imposing eyebrows jock. But also, with that dignified stare and composure, a teeny hint of brain too.
Typical School Day: Roll out of a bed covered in beercans and burger wrappers, strap on a leather jacket, mousse up the hair, fly to school in a sentient car, enrol in the German exchange program, go home early.
Ben Stiller
Why It's Awesome: Because he looks like Leo Sayer only even shitter.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: The hair screams geek, but Stiller’s somehow always surprising physique and the friendly confidence in his eyes say jock.
Typical School Day: Cracking jokes in class and looking for any opportunity to hang out with Owen Wilson.
Bruce Willis
Why It's Awesome: The detached ghostly glow of the insane lighting plays off Bruce’s action hero status nicely.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: The tie and page-boy haricut say brain, but the fact it’s Bruce Willis says “Yipee kay-ay, mutherfucker!’ and takes off on a stolen jet.
Typical School Day: Ride to school wearing only a Kevlar vest and clinging to the roof of the bus, blow a hole in the side of the canteen, clear the science labs with smoke grenades, race to the principal’s office on the second floor and drop him out the window. In slow motion.
Brad Pitt
Why It's Awesome: Because it’s Brad Pitt before he was Brad Pitt.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Like, the emperor of the jocks. That jaw is pushing the boundaries of Darwinian biology, and Hank the Ranger wants his hair back.
Typical School Day: Best guess: glide into school on a cloud of awesome, have sex with every girl, twice, wink A grades out of all the teachers and high five a cheering crowd lining the entrance hall on the way out.
Curtis 50 Cent Jackson
Why It's Awesome: Because it shows the muscular hip hop star, bullet sponge and occasional hacktor when he was Geek Diddy.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: From this we’d have to say geek – the goofy teeth, the awesome mortarboard and gown, the lack of firearms or hos. He looks wholesome. Like a pie.
Typical School Day: The day starts with a clinkety clank as Curtis digs out his bus fare from his piggy bank, before a morning of not learning very much about punctuation (check out his twitter feed), followed by an afternoon of extra-curricular activities. “Where’s Jackson?” “You’ll find him at fencing club…”
Tina Fey
Why It's Awesome: Because it’s like one of the those funny flashback cutaways they do on 30 Rock, only real and funnier. Ha! She really /did/ look like that.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Not sure a ‘G’ exists big enough to capitalise the GEEK we’re labelling Fey with in this picture. It’s everything her amazing and successful now-self jokes about so expertly on her show – dry hair, nervous smile, squinty eyes, disaster.
Typical School Day: Cheesy puffs, humiliation, thoughts of fame, social agony, cheesy puffs.
Patrick Swayze
Why It's Awesome: Because it’s the razor-cheekboned sexual tornado of the ‘80s looking like a chubby smug class clown.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Despite everything we know about the Swayze that became a Hollywood legend, that side-parting is forcing us to say geek.
Typical School Day: A long hard day of dancing, romancing and fighting, with absolutely no being in the naughty corner whatsoever.
Owen Wilson
Why It's Awesome: Because the free-spirited Wilson was expelled from his high school and looks totally at odds with the uniform of the military school he ended up in.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Dude is so at ease with everything and so damned healthy it’s got to be a jock, despite his latter-day geek credentials, his misfit expulsion and the brain he used to write (the still amazing) Rushmore.
Typical School Day: A day of grinning and looking askance at everyone before being asked if he’s in the army. “No man,” replies the younger Wilson, “I just have short hair. And I’m at a military academy. Didn’t you see the sign?”
Megan Fox
Why It's Awesome: In a not-starring-in-a-movie context, that Cheshire cat smile and those sharp eyes look downright evil.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Some devilish combination of brain and princess – she looks beautiful, but scarily smart as well.
Typical School Day: Stalking the corridors trailing a Pied Piper-style queue of bemused, dribbling boys.
Leonardo DiCaprio
Why It's Awesome: He’s like a little toy actor that you might buy in a shop and keep in a cage.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Given that he was already a Hollywood star on the rise at this point, probably a mixture of brain, misfit and princess.
Typical School Day: Woken by publicist, driven to set, pretend to cry freakishly realistically while veteran character actor screams in his face, two hours of tutoring, buffet, off to bed.
Jennifer Lopez
Why It's Awesome: Because it turns out the block had terrible hairdressers.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Oh come on . The necklace, the sideways-on pose, the frozen smile. It’s like she’s at a diva finishing school. Princess.
Typical School Day: Arrive in armoured stretch Humvee, throw disastrous hissy fit upon discovering locker has been incorrectly stocked by minion. Academically, start the day strong with purpose and character, but soon find self distracted by boys, clothes and, mostly, self.
George Clooney
Why It's Awesome: Because sure, it’s George Clooney, but he’s just scrawny enough that if you squint he kinda looks like McLovin.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Like Hollywood’s other alpha males, Clooney looks athletic and confident in a way that only comes with not being beaten up or spending all your time alone. Jock.
Typical School Day: Arrive, mistaken immediately for a teacher. Explain hair has always been this colour. Concoct elaborate plan to steal the tuck shop float, carried out in between meetings with a string of high-profile students. Play basketball all afternoon.
Angelina Jolie
Why It's Awesome: It’s proof that at one stage even the most beautiful people in the world were pouting adolescents uncomfortable in their own skin.
Jock, Geek, Brain, Princess Or Misfit?: Hovering between brain and misfit – the straight hair and seriousness speak of hard work, the crazy flicked fringe and intense eyes say “back the heck off.”
Typical School Day: Arrive at registration flanked by a legion of photographers, spend the day barking rebellious slogans at any authority figure to hand and picking up enough in geography class to feel bad about Africa.
