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Transformers 3
The first, maybe. The second, meh. The third? You’re having a giraffe! Hasn’t Michael Bay run out of stuff to blow up?
Where the first Transformers at least flaunted some gentle Spielberg charm, the second was a vacuous, insulting, cigar-smoking car wreck.
How Could It Be Improved? Abort, Autobots. Abort before it’s too late!
Alien 3
It’s gone down in the movie history annuls as one of the most tortured productions, like, ever .
It got made anyway.
Really, it’s not as bad as it could have been (after all, it’s not set on a wooden box), but it’s still a weak, anaemic, spluttering runt compared to its two predecessors.
How Could It Be Improved? Two words: James Cameron.
The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor
What does this tell you... Stephen Sommers had the sense to keep well away from this one.
It starts and ends with the script by Smallville writers Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, which is as creaky as the mummies it features. Shame, shame, shame.
How Could It Be Improved? Bury it under a pyramid for a thousand years and it might ripen with age.
Halloween III: Season of the Witch
No Michael Myers? No way!
Instead, they let Tommy Lee Wallace loose with this oddity, a story about a twisted toy manufacturer who has it in for America’s children.
Is it oddly genius/disturbing/ridiculous? Yes! Could we have done without it? Yes! Is it still a seasonal must? Yes!
How Could It Be Improved? Less Shamrock singing, more Tom Atkins.
Batman Forever
After two Burton films spent sweltering under the latex, Michael Keaton let the franchise go and handed the Batmobile keys over to Val Kilmer instead.
Gone are the Gothic visuals, the villains with bite, and any sense of foreboding. Or, conversely, any morbid fun. Instead we’re drowned in neon frivolity and Tommy Lee Jones over-acting to within an inch of his life.
How Could It Be Improved? Remove Schumacher from the building and we’ll talk.
Jaws 3D
Here’s a fun fact for you.
What we actually got was this 3D embarrassment, Joe Alves' first (and last) directing gig.
He’s the one who made the shark for the first Jaws . Which throws up all kinds of questions. Like: why does the shark look so shit in this one?!
How Could It Be Improved? We’re gonna need a better shark.
Look Who's Talking Now
The kids have grown up, they no longer sound like Bruce Willis and Roseanne Arquette.
Why, the pets! Enter Danny DeVito and Diane Keaton, sniffing their way around crotches, leaving little surprises on the carpet, generally making a nuisance of themselves.
And that was just in the recording room.
How Could It Be Improved? Less talking, more laughing.
The Matrix Revolutions
By this point we’re so confused we’d be quite happy to just sit back and let the action and stonking soundtrack send pleasant vibrations through our weary bodies.
About weird philosophy stuff. And computers, and existence. And they won’t shut up. And now not only are we bored, but our ears are bleeding, too.
What happened to the knowing smarts of the original Matrix ?
How Could It Be Improved? Take the blue pill. Trust us.
Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me. Or not, because, actually, being a pirate looks a bit rubbish.
For all the neat visuals and obvious labour put into this, it’s a shame that somebody forgot to call the Coherence Fairy to ask her to give the script a once over. That, or she’s fielding calls from Hollywood (we don’t blame her).
How Could It Be Improved? A lot ( a lot ) of rum.
Home Alone 3
This sequel was so delayed that original Kevin McCallister munchkin Macaulay Culkin was shaving, married and earning $50k a year by the time it came around.
Even though the late John Hughes wrote this, the formula’s tired. What’s wrong with letting your kids watch the original two-hander on repeat?
How Could It Be Improved? Kevin McAllister is banged up in juvi.
Superman 3
Ingredients for a Superman movie: Clark Kent. A big red S. Lois Lane. Peril: mild to extreme. Lex Luther. Kryptonite. John Williams’ score.
Reducing poor old Margot Kidder to a mere cameo (then replacing her with bloody Annette O’Toole’s Lana Lang), exploiting Richard Pryor’s comedy to fill gulf-sized plotholes, and regurgitating plot points from the other better Superman s ( Supermen ?), Supe 3 is laughable in a moronic way and a slur on all things super.
How Could It Be Improved? Watch Supergirl instead. Much better.
Spider-Man 3
Too many cooks in the kitchen? It certainly felt that way with Sam Raimi’s third (and, evidently, last) bash at the Spiderverse.
Oh, and Peter Parker as an emo? Wince.
The real kick in the nads is that this is the last in the now ‘old’ Spider-Man movie trilogy. Raimi, we weep for you.
How Could It Be Improved? Reboot the franchise! Oh, wait... Dammit!
