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The Top 7... Damsels You DON'T Want to Save

Screw chivalry! These ladies deserve distress

Words: Charlie Barratt, GamesRadar US

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You know the formula. A pure-hearted beauty falls into the evil grasp of some snarling, spitting, mustache-twirling megalomaniac. A noble hero, driven by honor, courage and - let's face it - hormones, rushes to her aid. A brief kiss ensues and, before you can say sequel, the hapless lady has stumbled into imminent danger all over again. Tale as old as time... classic "damsel in distress."

Except sometimes, the damsel isn't worth the damn trouble. Sometimes you reach the end of your adventure, take one look at your reward and wonder why you went searching for her in the first place. Sometimes you're sick of her before you've even begun.

The following are those times. Take our advice, potential knights in shining armor. Don't bother.

Queen Sophia... Maximo: Ghosts to Glory

The lady? Nothing less than a fairy-tale portrait, with golden hair, porcelain skin, doe eyes and royal blood. Her savior? A young king with Arthurian good looks, unwavering courage and - best of all - a big ass sword. Her captor? The very definition of storybook evil, a twisted old stump of a man with demonic powers, dark ambitions and - most damning of all - facial hair.

Forget merely following the "damsel in distress" formula. This is the formula. So what could possibly go wrong?

Hmm... well, the exact moment is a little hard to pinpoint, but we're gonna hazard a guess and say that the beautiful queen unexpectedly metamorphosizing into a bloated, slobbering beast with clawed hands, slimy blue skin and glowing orange eyes at the very end of the game, right as you're about to kiss her, might have something to do with it. Just a guess.

2 Comments

WhoShotCaptainFarrel - 7 days 22 hours ago

Peach should have been here! sure we all love mario! and we all can tolerate peach! but have you played as her in any of the smash bros games! shes flipping man-beast! how the hell is she kidnapped so much?!

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