Sep 6, 2007

We play games to take a break from reality, where power-ups and two-story tall bosses are sorely lacking. Of course, this means we often find ourselves doing all sorts of unrealistic things like leaping over buildings or gutting zombies with chainsaws. Maybe we need to take a break, because lately, we've been pondering some serious WTF conventions in games, the over-the-top ridiculous realities we accept as commonplace without batting an eye, and it's been keeping us up at night.

Metal lingerie makes great armor.
Dragons, demons, and beasts are powerless against the skimpy bikinis that barely cover lead ladies in RPGs. How these metal lingerie outfits protect you from catching a cold - let alone shield you from sharp blades and hostile spells - is simple. It's magic - the magic of marketing towards a mostly young male audience. But still, that doesn't stop us from wondering how our hooker plate mail manages to offer any more protection than a box of used condoms.

Above: The metal bra is excellent for protecting your heroines' breasts from damaging blows and Jabba the Hutt

No one has a job and stealing is okay.
NPCs have the easiest job in the world and we want in. How awesome would it be to lounge around your house all day for a living? If there's ever anything you actually do need to get done, you can always kick it with a question mark over your head, and wait for someone to deliver your mail and slay all the wolves lurking on your front porch.

There's only one downside to the life of an NPC. You have to put up with trespassing adventurers who storm in and rummage through all your cabinets in search of spare change and potions. How annoying.

You can fit a warehouse of items in your back pocket.
Hundreds of potions, swords, axes, wands, robes, plate mail, and a ton of other gadgets and doo-dads: Where does it all go? This line of thinking can lead to some dark places - the sort of spots where the sun don't shine. But we can't help thinking about what kind of trick game characters play on the laws of physics to carry these enormous collections.