Video game characters' school report cards

Teacher's Comments: Zombie has definitely got brains, there’s no question of that. He’s also single-minded when he sets himself a goal, sometimes to his own detriment. Zombie is also performing well in sport, particularly in the school football team. However, natural sciences, in particular biology, is by far his weakest subject. The botanical unit of the semester has been particularly trying and we did have an unfortunate moment during a practical lesson when his head fell off. But Zombie has since agreed to try wearing a bucket on his head and that seems to be aiding his progress.

Most likely future career: Ice rink attendant or dolphin trainer

Teacher's Comments: Mario is liked by almost everyone and approaches any and every task with abundant enthusiasm. He’s always smiling, keen to impress when it comes to the arts – in particular painting and music – and demonstrates all-round ability no matter what he turns his hand to. However, he does seem inwardly very competitive, always looking to outshine his brother, which has created some tension. Mario is always looking to develop his skill set and seems the most willing of any pupil to adapt to new ideas and ways of thinking. The old adage ‘jack of all trades’ comes to mind, but if he continues at this pace, he could well become master of all. Except, perhaps, plumbing – he never seems to complete any practical work in shop.

Most likely future career: Artist, race driver, professional golfer/baseball player… anything he likes, it would seem.

Teacher's Comments: Sonic has an attitude problem, which he seems to be proud of rather than accepting as an issue. We suspect Sonic may be suffering from Attention Defecit Disorder as he appears visibly restless literally five seconds after attention is turned away from him, which is unfair on the other pupils. However, to his credit, he is the first to stand up to school bullies and the younger children all look up to him as a result. Sadly, Sonic has shown zero interest in academic pursuits, electing instead to enter every sporting class available. His strength in athletics, in particular track events, looks promising and a glittering career as a runner seems most likely – if he can kerb his penchant for snack food.

Most likely future career: Track Runner

Teacher's Comments: Solid is an excellent student who learns his subjects in extreme detail. His aural skills are exemplary and he is one of the best communicators in his class. However, he does like to push the boundaries when it comes to misbehaving and has been caught smoking around the back of the bike sheds on far too many occasions. His cigarettes are always confiscated but he always seems to be able to find more from somewhere. Solid is a favourite with the girls, but also commands respect from the boys. He enjoys acting, but has been accused of augmenting his scenes in school plays with frequent, needless exposition.

Most likely future career: Army

Teacher's Comments: Dovahkiin has seen surprisingly swift development throughout this semester. He always seems to absorb the most information in the morning after a good night’s sleep, becoming less and less receptive as the day goes on. He is also quick to pick up the basics of any subject, but appears to slow in his understanding as he reaches more complex, deeper concepts. He loves to converse with other students, but does have a tendency to shout, which often ends discussions in his favour. Dovahkiin excels at science, in particular chemistry, and has a keen but worrying interest in the occult – something which needs to be monitored as he progresses.

Most likely future career: Politician

Teacher's Comments: James has become the subject of much debate in Carcer City Secondary School. Ever since the reception class incident where he was found with his hands around the neck of a fellow pupil, James has had issues when it comes to violence. Teachers have been forced to tidy away staplers, compasses, pens and pencils, allowing James to use equipment only when absolutely necessary and then only under direct supervision. We are also sad to say we can no longer have class pets while James is at the school.

Most likely future career: Professional Ice Hockey player?

Teacher's Comments: Kratos is a wonderful pupil. Always happy, always smiling, always the first to help others. He works and converses with well-reasoned and articulate verbal arguments which has made him a mainstay of the school’s debating team. He is also a highly religious, god-fearing boy who respects authority and feels uncomfortable around classroom conflicts. Kratos’ favourite classes are needlework and history – the love of which he combined to make a beautiful patchwork quilt for his history teacher last year. If things stay on track, Kratos should become a liked and respected family man.

Most likely future career: Librarian

Teacher's Comments: Lara continues to impress in all of her studies. She is particularly skilled in gymnastics and history. She also seems to be far more resilient than the other pupils – despite her boundless enthusiasm and disregard for her own welfare in sports events, she’s always first up and ready to go again. Lara is popular with the boys although she doesn’t seem to fit in with the girls, perhaps due to her natural aptitude that sees her fly through class assignments. Despite her strong personality and problem-solving prowess, Lara has some disconcerting views on endangered species and has already accidentally set classmates on fire on three separate occasions this year.

Most likely future career: Archaeologist

Teacher's Comments: Pikachu is bright and lively although his vocabulary continues to remain extremely limited, something which has his tutors at a loss. However, he still seems able to communicate his emotions, something which has endeared him to everyone – especially the girls. Pikachu works best as part of a team and can become tired quickly when working on his own, although his practical skills in science and shop are exemplary. However, he flat-out refuses to get into a Pokeball which has caused some distress this term. We would also advise monitoring Pikachu’s egotistical nature as he has started coming to school with a lunchbox bearing his own likeness.

Most likely future career: Electrician

Perhaps you remember Zak from DoA and his suggestion for a school bikini pageant? Or maybe you remember that girl with glasses who was always combing her long black hair... that seemed to bite you when you weren't looking. If so, let us know in the comments!

And if you're looking for more, check out If video game hardware was dug up in a thousand years and game characters that fit snugly into Ivy's bra.