Google+

The Top 7... Cheerleaders

Cheerleaders, eh? The candy floss of the human race, are they not? Sugary, fluffy, and without much substance, they might be eye-catching but they’re also rather likely to make you feel a bit sick and rot the metaphorical teeth of your mind.

But not in games. No, aside from their appearances in trite motion-controlled kidcentric guff-fests like We Cheer, cheerleaders in video games can be pretty damn impressive. Deadly even. Perhaps even culturally significant. You’re doubtful, we can tell. But we can prove it.

How can we prove it? We can prove it by collecting together a list of seven. The seven we would deem to be the “top”.

7. Mandy Wiles | Bully

No piece of entertainment focusing on a high school is complete without some stuck up head cheerleader bitching about her fellow pupils. Step forward Mandy Wiles of Bully fame, who represents this acerbic character so well you’ll scream obscenities at the screen every time you see her.

Above: Ever wondered what the bottom of a cheerleader's shoe looks like...?

From the needless scorn Miss Wiles pours on those less prettier than her to siding with the Jocks whenever they attempt to rough up our hero, Jimmy Hopkins, her cheerleader persona is spot on. And because she’s such a bully to everyone else, it makes it all the sweeter when you get to prank her. Like this…

However, Mandy has a softer side that comes into play later in the game as she confesses to Jimmy that she’s insecure and just wants to be popular hence her being a mega bitch. You then soften your stance, and feel a tad sorry for her. Jimmy even comes to her rescues and spray paints over some sexy posters of Mandy to spare her blushes. Oh, and rescue her from a fire. Jimmy also stiffens his <ahem> ‘stance’ again once he gets to lock lips with Mandy too. Sexy times!

6. Becky Welsh | Rumble Roses

Rumble Roses has two versions of each of its cast of all-female fighters. So on the one hand, you have Candy Cane – the punk-rock lead singer of the Killer Barbies, who enjoys mud wrestling and thinks school is for losers. Then you've got her flipside: The sweet-as-American-pie cheerleader Becky Welsh who… also likes mud wrestling and thinks school is for losers. *facepalm* So the difference is that she cheers? Brilliant. Or, come to think about it… brilliant!

So why is she so great? Well, firstly, look at that routine. Dreadful music, yes, but there's no denying she's doing actual, modern-day cheerleading. Neck-risking aerial throws, closely-synchronised dance moves… it's a proper spectacle and no mistake. Speaking of spectacle, that mud-wrestling mode is quite the eye-opener too…

Above: Looks more like hot chocolate wrestling. Mmmmmmm... hot chocolate

Taking the 'sexy cheerleader' to its logical conclusion, Becky's probably about as far as you can go in a videogame. Why only 'about as far'? Because there's one crucial yet easily-implemented element missing, and one that's knocked her down this list. What's that, you ask? We'll tell you: NO POM POMS. She must have left them at home. Well, you wouldn't want to get them muddy, would you?

24 comments

  • Primed - February 7, 2012 5 p.m.

    Hence proving mena are better than women.
  • ChaseByKO - February 7, 2012 12:31 a.m.

    Missing from this list: Reggie Fils-Aime.
  • marioman50 - February 7, 2012 12:27 a.m.

    Elite Beat Divas, YESSSSS! God that game is good, where the hell is my sequel?!
  • MrSuitMan - February 6, 2012 6:45 p.m.

    I'm not one to normally go "OMFG that chick is so fucking hot!!!!" But goddamn is Juliet a ridiculously sexy character. Even Bayonetta didn't make me tingle this much.
  • oneshotfinch - February 6, 2012 4:28 p.m.

    Nice choice for number one. Jumpin' Jack Flash on that difficulty was so freaking hard, any cheerleaders that can pull it off deserve the number 1 spot. I also quite liked the joke entry.
  • josh-horvath - February 6, 2012 2:56 p.m.

    was anybody else hearing centerfold in their head as they read this?
  • D0CCON - February 6, 2012 1:48 p.m.

    Got to agree with EBA. I am happy with myself for unlocking the divas and making it to the final song with them, but I never managed to actually beat said song.
  • Sinosaur - February 6, 2012 12:45 p.m.

    Jesus crap, I'm having flash backs to repeatedly failing Jumping Jack Flash on second hardest difficulty. I've still never managed to unlock the Divas. I loved the hell out of that game, though.
  • sugardingles - February 6, 2012 9:50 a.m.

    What about Double Dribble?
  • Unoriginal - February 6, 2012 9:47 a.m.

    I seriously can't wait to hear Talkradar try and discuss this. Good read
  • GameManiac - February 6, 2012 9:47 a.m.

    Did not expect Elite Beat Agents as #1.
  • BladedFalcon - February 6, 2012 11:25 a.m.

    Hah, didn't occur to me of the EBA as cheerleaders, but it totally fits and makes sense XD Furthermore, they completely deserve top spot. After all, what other cheerleaders can claim that they've defeated a global alien invasion trough the sheer power of their dancing moves? :P
  • 510BrotherPanda - February 6, 2012 9:10 a.m.

    Man, Osu Tatakae Ouendan was the ACTUAL cheerleader game EBA spawned from...and in the sequel, there's even a rival male cheer squad in blue-and-white to contrast with the protagonists' red-and-black! Sure, both Ouendan games might not have been played by as many people as EBA (since it's in Japanese), but... WHY WERE THEY NOT EVEN MENTIONED?
  • BladedFalcon - February 6, 2012 11:13 a.m.

    Because the game hasn't come out in neither Europe or America? And this site covers games for people of such regions. I'm guessing that's likely why. Furthermore, I don't think the core gameplay nor the concept of OTO is that significantly different either. So it's probably not as unfair to to use one as an equal to the other.
  • Ultimadrago - February 6, 2012 7:24 a.m.

    Great list, Cundy. I laughed my BUTT off at the serial killer scheme comment. Are you Smarter Than a Cheerleader looks so...creepy. *shivers*
  • shawksta - February 6, 2012 5:57 a.m.

    Awesome list Cundy, glad to see the Twins from psychonauts. And EPIC WIN for #1, the Elite Beat agents are DEFINITLY the best Cheerleaders XD
  • Sjoeki - February 6, 2012 4:57 a.m.

    Though I know she's not technicaly a cheerleader I thought Harley might have made an entry in this list, she's backflipping and cheering all over the place in Arkham Asylum and City.
  • Redeater - February 6, 2012 4:44 a.m.

    I was hoping NMH would be on here. Glad to see it was. Was that still frame from page two taken from DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball? If it was I really should get out more. I seem to recognize the weird boob physics.
  • GR_DavidHoughton - February 6, 2012 6:25 a.m.

    Yes it is. And yes you should. But er, well done.
  • Redeater - February 6, 2012 1:24 p.m.

    What can I say? Once you see those horrid FMV boob physics you can't unsee them. Seriously.....I don't know how anyone thought that was sexy. It was like they were two alien beings moving independently of each other.

Showing 1-20 of 24 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000