You’ll often hear about games lauded for their exceptional soundtracks. Some succeeded with NES-style bleeps, others had orchestral scores or fully licensed songs that lent credibility to a medium struggling to be more than a toy. These... are not those songs.
Please to enjoy the cheesiest, goofiest and all-around “oh my god”-iest songs in gaming.
Standout lyric: “The best in me is all I have to give”
How does a game with one of the most acclaimed soundtracks of all time make it onto a list like this? Simple answer – “I Am the Wind,” a Celine Dion-esque whisperfest that swoops in at the last second and nearly ruins an otherwise stunning album.
If the word “Awful” didn’t exist prior to 1997, we’d swear it was invented solely to describe this doctor’s office dreck.
Sneaky singers: Singer Cynthia Harrel, who softy wheezed “I Am the Wind,” went on to belt out “Snake Eater,” a Bond-ish epic for MGS3. GamesRadar ally and Joystiq contributor Randy Nelson crooned out the tune for us a couple of years ago – watch if you dare!
Head to the last page for cheesy lyrics to “I Am the Wind.”
Standout lyric: “Stung by a force to protect the common man”
Spidey’s not exactly known for Megadeth-style shred guitar, but that’s precisely what you get in this surprisingly robust Sega CD gem. Right from the start you’re treated to Eric Martin (of Mr. Big fame) and “Swing Time,” an arena-rockin’ good time tune Jonah himself would have to smile at.
Listening to it is like being transported 15 years into the past, when a song like this could have easily headlined a misguided ‘90s Spidey flick. Instead we got “Hero” from Nickleback’s Chad Kroeger in 2002. Hm, we honestly prefer this. Bring on the big guns!
Virtual voice: The Sega CD version added lengthy animated cutscenes; omnipresent actor Cam Clarke provided several voices for the game, from police officers to Doc Ock himself. Here he’s playing a cop with the perfect “I’m in a movie!” line of “We have a lot to thank you for, Spider-Man!”
Wonder why he’s not credited on IMDB...
Head to the last page for cheesy lyrics to “Swing Time.”
Standout lyric: “When I think of him I see no fear, feel no pain”
We’re hesitant to throw any flak at the GX/AX soundtrack. It’s a massive, 82-track collection of the blaring-est techno mixed with the softest acoustic jams, all the way back to rockabilly hoedowns. However, the songs that contain lyrics are so cheesy they ooze Velveeta out of the speakers.
Captain Falcon’s is the top pick, with lyrics that fall somewhere between “inspirational power ballad” and “creepy stalker girlfriend.”
Anime encore: F-Zero is unapologetically hardcore, with over the top everything. That extends into this outrageously awesome intro for F-Zero Densetsu. Hope you like your opening songs with three kinds of cheese: video game, anime and J-Rock.
Head to the last page for cheesy lyrics to “Captain Falcon”
Standout lyric: “CLAY FIGHTER, CLAY-CLAY FIGHTER!”
Clay Fighter’s sole redeeming quality is that it proved Street Fighter II was worth parodying with an entire franchise of slapstick fighting games. In other words, this game showed just how culturally relevant SFII really was. And for whatever reason, they kicked it all off with an embarrassing theme song celebrating just how awesome they were.
If the synth guitar doesn’t kill you, the vocal breakdown 60 seconds in will.
Sculpted stars: Clay Fighter lived on with C2: Judgment Clay (parodying Terminator 2 three years late) and Clay Fighter 63 1/3 (poking fun at the N64’s naming convention). Virulent voice actors Frank Welker (Megatron), Rob Paulson (TMNT’s Raphael) and Dan Castellaneta (Homer) appeared in 63 1/3, either because they lost a bet or had a pile of bills stacking up.
Head to the last page for cheesy lyrics to “Title Screen.”
Next page: Awesome anime plus the absolute worst game song of all time