Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Arcade Attack review

As we stare down the barrel of a fresh new year, our thoughts turn to games. In this most futuristic year of 2010, technology will surely bless us with unparalleled experiences. Well, here’s hoping it does, because 2009 went out on a low with this cack-fest.

Arcade Attack is a fighting game so tedious that we suffered a total neural shutdown about five minutes in. We managed to stay awake through the risibly scripted opening ‘cutscene’ only because its ‘fan fiction written by an eight-year-old’ dialogue amused us greatly. But then the action (pfft!) began and our brains went into standby mode. Playing as one of the four crudely animated Turtles, with the CPU (or an unfortunate friend) ‘being’ another, you pummel identi-goons in a range of locations. There’s no fluidity to the combat or movement, no variety, no demand for skill or tactics. You just mash the buttons and move on. Dire.

Jan 13, 2009