In a protracted finale of shaky cameras, the Mega Shark and Giant Octopus are drawn together off the Alaskan coast, have a big fight (with lots of squelching) and kill each other.
"What's happening?" someone shouts. "It's impossible to tell!" a colleague observes.
Indeed it is - because the CGI is so poor they have to keep the lighting
"Looks like they finally finished what they started 18 million years ago!" notes Dr Irish-Fella as the Giant Octopus strangles the Mega Shark which somehow manages to kill the Giant Octopus just before it dies.
Later, Deborah Gibson and Dr Shimada ponder their future on a beach.
They plan to visit the North Sea where reports suggest the presence of a plot idea that could lead to an unnecessary sequel.
That's it. All the best bits were in the trailer and we'll never have those precious 90-odd minutes of life back.
But at least you only had to spend three or four minutes reading this feature to learn that Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is total and complete cock.
A third of a star. For the Golden Gate Bridge bit.