Dec 14, 2007

It's fair to say that we direct all our technology into two things: boobs and bombs. Video games have exploited the latter from the moment they first appeared, so it comes as no surprise that violence has become more and more intense as gaming tech improves. So, if the bombs have gotten bigger, what about the boobs?

Join us as we dive into the dreadful beginnings of women in games, then stroll through their gradual evolution from sex trophies to sex trophies with giant guns and battle armor. And you stick around for the whole thing, you'll see a particular video vixen age gracefully right before your very eyes.

By the way, we're aware that some of our gaming peers posted a similar story this week. But ours was already done and scheduled and we're pretty sure neither we nor they actually invented the idea of drooling over women, so we didn't see any reason to pull this story. Read ours first (it's way sexier), then go check theirs out if you want to ogle some man boobs.

The era: 1970s (Atari 2600)

The games: Custer's Revenge, Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em

The babes: Subdued Native American women, nude blondes

Stage in evolution: If there were women in games at all in the '70s, they were crudely designed slam holes and nothing more. No personality, no motivations, just a disgustingly disproportionate body and the loosest morals this side of Sin City. However, if you like girls who look like a bird/dinosaur hybrid, this was your golden age.

We honestly tried to find some positive role models from this time period, but short of brief appearances (Penny in Pitfall 2 and a sister in Swordquest), no tasteful women managed to make a lasting impression. Then again, most of the dudes were made of squares, so it was all around a bad time to be in a video game.

What these games taught us: Girls hate wearing clothes and are just receptacles for testicles.