Prepare for the most disturbing, sexually-charged game trailers ever seen. Champion Jockey is here

However old you are, you are too young to see this. PEGI might have rated these trailers '3', but PEGI are wrong. These are the most disturbing, fetid, lecherous, downright perverse sets of moving images I have ever seen grease up the world in the name of video game advertising. Tecmo Koei's Champion Jockey, you see, is a horse racing simulator. But it's not just any horse racing simulator. It's a motion-controlled horse racing simulator, which asks you to mime the process of racing horses by either pumping two PS Move controllers up and down, or by getting involved in some depraved full-body interaction by way of Kinect. And it is demoed by a man who appears to be enjoying himself entirely far too much.

So there you have it. A game anyone can play, advertised with all the grimy, latent sexual simmering of a man in a dirty mac sneaking around a department store lingerie floor. With no trousers on. How? How has the world come to this? My friends, my soul it doth weep.

Still, some good has come out of this. Justin was very impressed by the shiny metallic horse in the logo at the end. He decided that he's a heroic robo-horse, and while I've been writing this story, he has written the theme song to the heroic robo-horse's imagined Saturday morning anime show. So I thought I'd post them. You know, because.

I suspect this afternoon is taking a turn for the strange.

I / I'm a shiny robot horse
With f*ckoff rocket shoes (*rocket shoes!*)
I know I'll never lose (*robot horse*)
If I only stretch my neck
and yearn into the night
for the taste of victory saltlick
Gallop (*yeah*)
Gallop (*neigh*)


Yeah. Definitely a turn for the strange.

Thanks, VG247. I think.

August 09, 2011




  • ThatGuyFromTV - August 10, 2011 5:20 a.m.

    Am I the only one who thinks B. Buttercup should have handled this one?
  • KielbasaNinja - August 10, 2011 midnight

    And white people wonder why black people make fun of us for our complete lack of rhythm. 2P mode is high-larious.
  • zzzonked - August 9, 2011 8:37 p.m.

    If Swagger Jagger can get to number 1 then i'm sure Justin's theme tune could easily make it
  • jackthemenace - August 9, 2011 8:26 p.m.

    other than that guy who, like, has bought every single PS2 game EVER, who the F*CK BUYS THIS CRAP...!? @Sniped50- STFU. I would TOTALLY watch that show. ESPECIALLY if Justin PLAYS the opening song. He is a God among men. A God of metal.
  • Sniped50 - August 9, 2011 6:10 p.m.

    Houghton, DO NOT let Justin write to the BBC asking if he can make such a show! That would be HORRIFYING, I tell you!!
  • soren7550 - August 9, 2011 5:38 p.m.

    Is it just me, or are the Move & Kinect trailers identical?
  • Sensationo - August 9, 2011 4:53 p.m.

    Was the lady shaking a baby, while the guy was doing Norman Smiley's big wiggle?
  • d1stract3d - August 9, 2011 4:38 p.m.

    @Hobogonigal "I honestly think fanboys will be arguing for decades, neigh centuries, on whether the kinect or move version of this game is better." Fixed.
  • cosmicshambles - August 9, 2011 4:07 p.m.

    Hands up those who were hoping attractive asian lady was going to be the horse ...
  • ithurtstopoop - August 9, 2011 4:01 p.m.

    Wow, does this have 2 player?
  • izzidore - August 9, 2011 3:04 p.m.

    I would LOVE to be able to hear what he is saying in that first video
  • tomthespesh - August 9, 2011 2:58 p.m.

    Safe to say I'm creeped out. @ThatFanInThePeacoat That's a beautifully sinister comment and the same thought did pop into my mind...
  • Hobogonigal - August 9, 2011 2:56 p.m.

    I honestly think fanboys will be arguing for decades, nay centuries, on whether the kinect or move version of this game is better. Now please excuse me while I just go off to vomit...
  • mackshizzle - August 9, 2011 2:54 p.m.

    Why, Asian lady? WHY?!?!
  • brisilsn4ke - August 9, 2011 2:48 p.m.

    Do we really need something like this?
  • Zepaw - August 9, 2011 2:45 p.m.

    This is the peak of modern gaming. We can all quit video games now.
  • Darkhawk - August 9, 2011 2:43 p.m.

    I want to know what B Buttercup thinks!
  • ThatFanInThePeacoat - August 9, 2011 2:40 p.m.

    Aimed demographic: Creepy uncles who want to invite their nieces over to play this game.
  • Latnok - August 9, 2011 2:38 p.m.

    Doesn't help he's holding two PS dildos lol.
  • lordgodalming - August 9, 2011 2:28 p.m.

    Wow, game devs can come up with some truly ingenious designs...and also this. I'm going to spend the rest of my morning congratulating myself on not having bought Wii, Move, or Kinect.

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