Nintendo's worst-case scenario for E3 2009

Don’t get us wrong – we’re big time Nintendo fans. But you have to admit, the past year has been rather trying for longtime followers. Last year’s “surprise” reveal of Wii Music at E3 just about made our heads explode, and the continued domination of Wii Play and Wii Fit have us preemptively bracing for the worst possible outcome at next week’s massive trade show in Los Angeles (which we’ll be updating from every six seconds).

Here’s what we’re irrationally afraid might happen, and how Nintendo of America prez Reggie Fils-Aime will use his charismatic Reality Distortion Field to make us think it’s going to be so much fun.

MARIO KARTY

Nothing would make us engage in the Largest Face Palm of All Time than Nintendo combining two franchises that have conceptually run out of steam. There are a staggering EIGHT boring-ass Mario Parties now, and instead of reinventing the series, we see Nintendo lazily releasing another identical Party sequel… only now they’re on karts!

REGGIE'S RATIONALIZIN'

“For the first time in Mario Party history, you’ll be able to take control of Mario, Peach, even Bowser as they drive around colorful boards in their signature Mario Kart rides. We feel these two best-selling franchises were destined to be together, and after you’ve spent hands-on time with Mario Karty, you’ll feel the same way. Let’s get this karty started!”

Come to think of it… if they combined Party and Kart, we’d only have to suffer one phoned-in sequel instead of two. Maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all.

METROID MINIGOLF

There’s a precedent for this – the likely forgotten Metroid Prime Pinball. It came out between major releases (Prime 2 and Prime Hunters), mainly to keep the Metroid flag waving, and now that the Prime trilogy is all wrapped up with no new game in sight, we’re half expecting another arcade-y diversion with Samus trapped in Morph Ball mode.

REGGIE'S RATIONALIZIN'

“Samus Aran is a universally known bounty hunter who always comes through - no matter the odds. After years of dutiful service, isn’t it time she accepted a mission that didn’t drop her on a planet filled with evil Space Pirates? Finally, in Metroid Minigolf, Samus gets the R&R she so richly deserves. Get ready to have a ball!”

In all honesty, Prime Pinball was pretty damn cool, and while the knee-jerk reaction to Metroid Minigolf is one of disgust, if they managed to make the former work, the latter could too. We just don’t want this nonsense in lieu of a badass 2D entry for the DS. Focus, Nintendo. Focus!

NEW PLAY CONTROL! GAMECUBE GRAVEYARD

Save for the Prime trilogy and Pikmin, the very concept of the New Play Control! series gets our internet panties in a bunch. Wii already plays GameCube games and most of “Wiimakes” (like Mario Power Tennis and Donkey Kong Jungle Beat) do not benefit from wiggle-waggle stupidness. But they must be selling, so get ready for more rotting corpses passed off as new games, or, in the case of say, Eternal Darkness, ruined versions of games fine the way they are.

REGGIE'S RATIONALIZIN'

“Our New Play Control! brand has introduced millions of new players to some of our most-beloved GameCube classics, updated and infused with Wii’s groundbreaking motion controls. Today I’m proud to announce even more premium entries to the New Play Control! library. Experience the thrill of Eternal Darkness as you swing your sword at undead foes, or the wonder of twirling Link’s magical baton in Wind Waker, or the bone-chilling awe of removing ghouls from Luigi’s Mansion. I’ve spoken with Mr. Luigi backstage, and he tells me that this time around, he ain’t afraid of no ghost.”

Just writing that made me pass out. What happened? Is E3 over yet?

DR. WARIO

Wario began as a new nemesis for Mario, but years of microgame compilations have changed his stature from villain to grumpy sidekick. Now that the WarioWare series is running out of new ideas (Snapped didn’t do much for us), it’s only a matter of time before he stars in Wario’d versions of Mario spinoffs that are already hemorrhaging interest. Like, literally the same games with Wario standing in for Mario.

REGGIE'S RATIONALIZIN'

“For years Wario has stood in Mario’s shadow, always eager to star in a bigger and better game than his longtime rival. Later this year Wario will realize this dream by stealing all of Mario’s classic outings and performing them with typical Wario flare, from Wario Sunshine to Wario Galaxy to Dr. Wario. His revenge will no doubt be a bitter pill for Mario to swallow, but watch out – the doctor is in…SANE!”

Remember Rygar for Wii? Where all Tecmo did was change the main character, add motion controls and call it a new game? Picture that, but with Wario invading old Mario games. They already threw him into the DS version of Super Mario 64, so we’re not wrong for fearing barely improved sequel.

KID ICARUS BOW TRAINING

What if, after 18 years of waiting, we finally receive our Kid Icarus sequel and it’s a goddamn shooting gallery? Nintendo already sentenced Link to community service with Link’s Crossbow Training, so who’s to say they won’t do the same for Pit?

REGGIE'S RATIONALIZIN'

“After nearly two decades of waiting, fans around the world can rejoice in Pit’s return to the videogame community. You recently saw him fighting alongside Mario in Super Smash Bros Brawl, and now you’ll be able to take command of his expert bow and arrow abilities to clear more than 50 amazing archery challenges. With skills like this, you can’t myth!”

Seriously, if Pit’s return is anything but a legendary comeback on par with Metroid Prime or Punch-Out!!, it might as well never come out. This is Nintendo’s Duke Nukem Forever.