Inventions that would make gaming better

Good inventions are brilliant. They're new things that are specifically designed to make things better. The top of our 'Good inventions we want' list reads like so:

1.Time machine.
2.Star Trek-style transporter.
3.Cigarettes that won't make us dead.

Yeah, it's pretty unimaginative, but anyone that doesn't have a time machine and Star Trek-style transporters on their list is just trying to be a smart ass. Anyway, being big fans of inventions, we thought we'd brainstorm some ideas for gadgets and gizmos that would - in some way - make gaming better.

Illustrations by Mark Mitchell

One of the big turn-offs about playing online is that it can be a pretty hostile environment full of hateful knob-ends mouthing off caustic, ear-offending verbal nasty. Skills are viciously derided. Sexual orientation is questioned. Mothers and/or sisters slandered. We don't want to hear it.

And we wouldn't have to with the offensive to non-offensive headset translator. Simply fix it to a headset and the translator would intercept any incoming foulness and instead fire sweet words of happy joy into the wearer's auditory canal. Kind of like a catalytic converter to reduce toxic mouth emissions.

So instead of your ears being unpleasantly polluted like this:

You'd get an altogether greener cleaner ear hole experience:

This seems like such an obvious idea we had to make sure that someone hadn't invented it already. No one has. Yet. But energy harvesting is an area of ongoing research and development, so it's only going to be a matter of time before we're playing with wireless controllers that can function without the need for batteries. Batteries cost money. Hand heat is free.

And check out this biomechanical energy harvester - surely something that could be used for keeping Wii-motes nicely juiced up. They just need to make it a bit smaller. And sexier.

Gamers exhaust a lot of air and words bitching about reviews and how rubbish reviewers are and how they're wrong and bent and biased and wrong. So we thought it would be a step towards World peace if all the flesh and blood reviewers with all their stupid souls and feelings and personalities were retired from service and replaced by an omniscient artificial intelligence. We came up with this:

Feed it a disc and the guaranteed 100% infallible robot head would algorithmically calculate review scores with zero possibility of error. Objective. Unequivocal. Definitive. It would be the end of all debate. No more need for Metacritic. Infallible robot head would be the single source for incontrovertible review scores. And if anyone disputed a score? They'd be vaporised with laser eyes.

Online gaming is great and everything, but we really miss the thrill of split-screen multiplayer sessions. Four gamers in close proximity. The jostling. The banter. It's a beautiful thing. But how rare a treat it is nowadays - dividing your picture into quadrants just seems a bit cramped and not cool.

So a way to enjoy split-screen multiplayer without having to play in a down-sized portion of screen would be the best thing ever. Right? The TV screen would still be divided into four, but each player would wear a pair of special glasses. Special glasses, as we all know, are cool.

The special glasses would identify the picture specific to the wearer and separate it from the other images, giving the impression that it was the only picture on the screen. So, via the unspecified magic of the glasses, to the wearer the TV screen would look like this:

Presto. Four gamers in close proximity. Same screen multiplayer with no annoying play area shrinkage. Jostling. Banter. Special glasses. Good times.

We'd rather not think about the number of times we've been made sad by playing a game that we loved from our childhood only to be crushed by the reality that it is - and probably always was - a lot of bum dump. It happens a lot.

But it wouldn't with the rather awesome nostalgia helmet. By converting negative thought pulses into positive ones or something, the misplaced, rose-tinted memories for shitty old games would remain safely intact. Players would experience that same special essence of excitement as if they were back in the 80s playing the game for the very first time. Literally awesome.

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  • nik41507 - February 9, 2010 12:57 a.m.

    Wait If they robot reviews the games, arent you out of a job?
  • Sonneilon - March 9, 2009 2:37 a.m.

    I fully agree on the split screen thing! :D
  • RandyChimp - March 8, 2009 4:52 p.m.

    that glasses idea is genius. I know this articles a joke, but that would be fantastic. And the heat charged controllers? fantastic. Seriously, write to sony, ms and nintendo and bitch till they cave!
  • it_burns - March 8, 2009 10:52 a.m.

    I'd buy the swear and insult filter headsets on day one. I don't mind a little trash talk now and then, but there has to be a line sometimes.
  • nuno004 - March 7, 2009 11:32 p.m.

    they should make a controller especially made for douches who come over to your house, play your games,lose bitch and moan and throw your controller against the wall. Kinda like airbags for your very expensive controller
  • TheWebSwinger - March 6, 2009 11:16 p.m.

    Not a very good article, frankly. But I did appreciate the fact that a video game website has a cigarette reference. Kudos
  • JoeMasturbaby - March 6, 2009 10:41 p.m.

    i love how the guy with the helmet is sweating. HAHAHA great article and great artwork!
  • Dr.Salvador - March 6, 2009 10:11 p.m.

    lol good article GR but about the split screen not being split scree whole kind of thing... isn't that like a definition of a LAN party? great article and great work on the illustrations id particularly enjoy not having to get up off my ass to plug my SIXAXIS into the USB to charge it :) also... how about... a mouse and keyboard with rumble functions? cool eh?
  • kurkosdr - March 6, 2009 7:05 p.m.

    Automatic Graphics Detail Regulator (PC Games) --------------------------------------------- Instead of upgrading your computer to match the minimum requirements of a game, the game would downgrade it's graphics to what fits in your clunker. Of course, we are not talking about half-measures, such as cripplig/disabling effects, reducing resolution and stuff (which have to be done manually anyway). No... The whole artwork of the game redesigns it self, as if it was made in the 90s. Textures become lighter, polygons are placed much more wisely and only where absolutely necessary. The graphics of Crisis became like the ones of Quake III (not much good, but still more good looking than crisis in low detail), and the city from NFS:Undercover becomes Hometown from NFS III. And vice versa: Doom II would become Doom3 and ColimMcRae 2.0 becomes DiRT. Like an upscaler, but for games instead of DVDs. Haleluah!! The "Crowd pleaser" button -------------------------- Existing as a tiny switch at the back of the console, it would be enabled by default. It's sole purpose would be to hide from Joe Q. Public all the things a casual "gamer" doesn't want to see, such as animated blood, severed heads and arms, difficult bosses and a health bar that actually decreases after every hit the character takes. Once deactivated, the full game will be there for the real men to enjoy, as buckets of sweat become blood pouring out of cut veins, arms and heads can be butchered, the prostitutes are back on the streets, banana smugglers became the cocaine smugglers they should have always been, bosses receive their balls back... you get the idea. The "I am stuck, skip this hard level for me" button ---------------------------------------------------- Obvious. Available only when "crowd pleaser" button is enabled The Game Operating System ------------------------- Old gamers would remember that, in Amiga gaming systems (also known as computers), you were able to start only the core of the operating system, the very basics a piece of software (ie a game) needed to run. What's the point of loading Graphical interfaces, antiviruses and other things, and having them running in the background all the time chewing resources, if all you want to do is kill hobos in GTA? There should have been a "game" mode in Windows/Linux, or a special OS, where it would offer only the very necessary processes Nico Belic and Liberty City would need to run, and not useless anti viruses checking the hobos if the files that consist them carry the recent virus plague of the web.
  • JohnDD - March 6, 2009 6:28 p.m.

    Hilarious! Very amusing article :)
  • Hydrohs - March 6, 2009 12:13 p.m.

    Lol, this is a great article, I agree with everything on this list. I patiently await the Infallible robot-head reviewer. It will get rid of the wrong and bent and biased and wrong reviewers at Games Radar.
  • antknee27 - March 6, 2009 5:24 a.m.

    Robot Head game reviewer....the best. Nothing like a reviewer giving the infamous score of 7...
  • drunation - March 6, 2009 4:13 a.m.

    How about an age accelerator for a more mature gaming experience. Anyway the offensive to non - offensive translator will do. Great article.
  • oreopizza47 - March 6, 2009 2:10 a.m.

    the hand heat thingamabob needs to work with unnatural amounts of sweat. i'm tired of wearing gloves when i game. someone, please, i beg of you. make a sweat-friendly controller. and dont say the solution is those crappy controllers with fans in them. that sucked so hard. my hands were ice and i was still sweating. it obviously didnt work. make something, i dont know, better?
  • cooolkid94 - March 6, 2009 12:35 a.m.

    I would also find the hand heat remote charger more useful.
  • GoldenMe - March 5, 2009 11:50 p.m.

    These ideas have a Godly amount of win. My favorite has to be the robot. Best-Would Be-Invention-Ever. Also, it was a burn to Killzone 2 fanboys everywhere. It a win-win.
  • Ravenbom - March 5, 2009 11:10 p.m.

    They have "3. Cigarettes that wont make us dead" AND, you can smoke them in most public places now. just google "electronic cigarettes" I believe they were actually at a number of electronic trade shows over the last year that GR staff went to. But likely, your staff was busy making appointments dealing with game related material. They pretty much only atomize nicotine, not the harmful carcinogens contained in most cigarettes. Which makes them smell almost like nothing, but there is a distinct smell of tobacco, like pipe smoke, which is generally just tobacco and has many times fewer links to cancer than cigarettes. So, one down, two to go. Technically, there are transporters too, but it only exists at the quantum level. So we just need the time machine now. We know through Special Relativity that close to the speed of light there is time dilation, so we can effectively travel into the future, but we just need a way to come back. Cool, 2 and 1/2 of the top three problems solved, now lets get our best minds on making these game inventions.
  • kicking222 - March 5, 2009 10:27 p.m.

    "3.Cigarettes that won't make us dead." That's a ****ing idiotic thing to wish for. I'd much rather wish that all cigarettes killed the smoker immediately... or at least cigarettes that others would never have to smell and caused no secondhand damage.
  • Levy - March 5, 2009 10:22 p.m.

    hahaha Twishart that post just made my day
  • Mainman - March 5, 2009 9:33 p.m.

    If the TinyURL link doesn't work (they seem to be down at the moment), go to and search for 'DLP DualView'. reCaptcha: playgirl experts

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