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How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

Fact: zombie invasions suck. Just ask anyone who’s been through one, and he’ll tell you: “bluurble gurrble braiiins.” Does that sound like the guttural moaning of someone who had a good time? No, it sure as shit does not.
 

 


Above: Not a good time 

There are books and websites out there that claim to contain the best techniques for keeping your flesh intact during an outbreak, but I have something they don’t: experience… playing a lot of zombie games. With the recent influx of zombie themed games (Dead Rising, Left 4 Dead, Resident Evil 5, and CoD: World at War’s zombie Nazi mode, to name a few) I’ve been able to rack up hundreds of hours of zombie invasion training.

Want to save your organs from being spread out across cold pavement like hors d'oeuvres? Soak up my tips with your eyeballs and remember them forever. In fact, I suggest you write everything here down on a series of note cards to keep with you at all times (always be prepared!).  Remember: you and at least three other survivors can make it out of the infected area if you stay together, follow my advice, and don’t mind the occasional gut spray to your face.

Is it a zombie invasion?

Before you do anything, you need to determine whether or not a zombie invasion has occurred, and estimate the scope of the invasion. Is the entire civilized world in ruins, or just the mysterious little town you wandered into? Are there any safe routes away from the epicenter, or at least to the mall?


Above: Sometimes zombies look like this, but other times they don’t

If the power is on, turn on a TV. If the situation has been contained and quarantined by the military, it will probably be reported by out-of-town news as a “chemical spill,” “biological hazard,” or “cannibal terrorist attack.” You’ve probably seen reports like this before about towns near you. Now you know.

If you can’t receive any channels on cable, satellite, or broadcast TV, you may be dealing with a much larger outbreak. There’s a good chance that the employees of your local broadcast affiliates and cable offices are now zombies, reporting on zombie news and acting in their own zombie sitcoms, possibly with cute names like “Everybody Loves Raymond’s Brains” or “Marinated with Children.”  Fact: zombies are very creative when left to their own devices, and enjoy dry humor.


Above: Why would I make this up?

Lacking any access to one or two-way communication (TV, phone, internet, smoke signals), there are other ways to determine if a zombie outbreak has occurred. Go outside and check for the following signs.

The 10 most common signs of a zombie outbreak

10. You live in the vicinity of a highly secretive biotech corporation, the offices of which are generating a suspicious moaning sound.
9. You responded to a static-ey distress call from a dark mining ship in deep space by landing on it.
8. You’re surrounded by a highly unusual amount of fog which seems to follow you (sometimes even indoors).
7. You woke up alone in a hospital.
6. You were just talking about zombie invasions the last night! Weird how things happen like that, isn’t it?
5. You’ve been encountering an improbable number of locked doors.
4. You’ve been in some way involved with a book called “The Necronomicon.”
3. You performed strange rituals in a graveyard the night before. (Why would you do this?)
2. There are a bunch of zombies walking around.
1. You are a zombie.

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124 comments

  • Cyberninja - July 17, 2009 10:51 p.m.

    whens then next invasion so i can now how long i have to live
  • Jacob816 - July 17, 2009 11:33 p.m.

    This is the funniest article (not written by Paul Ryan) I have ever read on GR.
  • Scott1121 - July 17, 2009 11:42 p.m.

    my zombie killing weapon of choice would definitely be the sniper crowbar
  • foxhound - July 17, 2009 11:43 p.m.

    if call of duty has taught us anything its that occasional zombies carry nuclear weapons only harmful to the undead also if you find a box covered in ?'s open it and take any alien weapons you can find they were abundant in world war 2
  • Jordo141 - July 17, 2009 11:57 p.m.

    Braiiiiiiiiiins
  • skylar24 - July 18, 2009 12:09 a.m.

    i would totally suvive there r alot of blunt objects around my house oddly.
  • noobeater - July 18, 2009 12:16 a.m.

    round of applause you deserve it funniest thing i have read on GamesRadar sniper crowbar is pure genius in such as situation id run to the nearest RAF base with my xbox 360 a block of kitchen knives and the power tools stashed in my shed.. oh and a REALLY long extension cable. lol reCAPTURE: 'was drilling'....ye drilling zombie skulls with said power drills
  • Mozez - July 18, 2009 12:30 a.m.

    ill easily survive the zombie apocalypse by getting on my boat with plenty of supplies and going off shore because everybody knows zombies cant swim
  • GamerTagsSuck - July 18, 2009 12:52 a.m.

    I read The Zombie Survival Guide. This seems kinda stupid after that. But it's still funny. And mozez, they can't swim but you must realize that they can still walk on the bottom and climb up. I suggest getting and isolated island safehouse ready if you want your plan to even partially work.
  • Ninja-KiLLR - July 18, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    the first page got me hooked
  • GoldenMe - July 18, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    I see a few people read The Zombie Survival Guide. I have to admit, but after reading that, this article is not so funny. Sadly. But hey, good work Tyler.
  • barrage7667 - July 18, 2009 1:25 a.m.

    OH MY GOD IM SO HAPPY EVERYONE I KNOW HAS A GUN!! AS LONG AS ZOMBIES CANT USE GUNS I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE!!!
  • Frootaloom - July 18, 2009 2:10 a.m.

    Oh god I can't wait for the zombie apocalypse, I've been ready for years.
  • Vagrant - July 18, 2009 2:47 a.m.

    I have a feeling you just had this on your computer typed up for the guys in the office. Since you're next to the Umbrella Corporation or whatever. ALSO NERDY NITPICKS ABOUT THE PART ABOUT THE GLOCKS WHERE YOU HAD A PICTURE OF A BERETTA M9 AND YOU CLAIMED SCULLY AND MULDER USE GLOCKS BUT THEY USUALLY USE SIG SAUER P22SOMETHINGS!!!! (plus I think you'd want a gun with an external safety. A Glock 17 seems more likely to cause friendly fire)
  • BurntToShreds - July 18, 2009 3:05 a.m.

    I would just grab as many metal baseball bats as possible and carry them in a backpack. Also, any shovels I can find in the garage. Recaptcha: dolphins 117
  • phoenix_wings - July 18, 2009 3:41 a.m.

    This reminds me of LegendaryFrog's "I Am Resident Evil." One of the funniest flash videos about RE I've ever seen. Crates also for pushing, not just for smashing.
  • ricangamer28 - July 18, 2009 4:33 a.m.

    i have a poster of the Tank on my wall.....he my work out motivation;)
  • EmmaXII - July 18, 2009 9:04 a.m.

    Now we know. . . AND KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! I would've said Chuck Norris!
  • CosmicSmeghead - July 18, 2009 10:14 a.m.

    In Left 4 Dead they weren't zombies, they were rage infected people, bent on ripping people to shreds. Still found this really good though great work GR.
  • Furyspittles - July 18, 2009 11:13 a.m.

    Everyone, even the game, refers to them as zombies though. Technicalities FTL.

Showing 1-20 of 124 comments

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