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How to make Lara Croft more family friendly

So Eidos plans to make Lara Croft more "family-friendly". Turns out despite the huge brand name and near universal critical acclaim, Tomb Raider Underworld just didn't sell as well as they had predicted, so it's time to tap that lucrative family market.

But Eidos don't need to spend thousands on a marketing consultant - we've done all the hard work for them and drawn up new versions of Lara. Indeed, one for every member of the family: mum, dad, gran, grandad and the younger sister. There's no need to redesign her for the teenage boy because that's just regular Lara. So, Mr or Ms Eidos, when you decide to run with these, please make the cheque payable to Mr Justin Towell. Yes, that's two 'L's...

Gran's Lara is such a nice young girl. She wears nice, practical shoes and a skirt from Laura Ashley. Oh, and she covers up her figure from prying eyes with a nice cardigan. She carries around a basket full of kittens, which she uses... well, for everything and nothing, really. They're just so adorable! And Gran's Lara is always calm is a crisis, as she always carries a tea urn and three cups. Why three? Well, you never know who's going to drop in at 11, even in the Greek underworld.

This is Lara in the style of Bratz. We can't think of anything more annoying, but hey, it sells. Look - she's got her designer handbag, shiny skin and hair that's perfect for a new grooming sub-game in the DS version. As for that gun, don't worry, it fires unicorn bubbles. And the caked-on make-up? Well... they grow up so quickly these days, don't they?

Next page: Grandad's Lara shows some ankle!

32 comments

  • skyguy343 - January 23, 2009 12:58 p.m.

    did anybody else kinda start to think about cel-shading...
  • Chiropteran - January 23, 2009 4:49 p.m.

    Hey, I'm 65, stop covering the girl up! I need to see more, not less. You guys don't know Grandpas from, well ... your elbow!
  • pimlicosound - January 23, 2009 4:56 p.m.

    Hmm, Ubisoft...publishers of Tomb Raider, publishers of Prince of Persia. Prince of Persia was recently made rather family friendly with nice semi-cell-shaded graphics and a small number of simple tasks to complete with an illusion of freedom. So, the next Tomb Raider will have... I'm not going to spell it out, I think we can all see where this is going.
  • usmovers_02 - January 23, 2009 5:31 p.m.

    This is really bad news. A great article but horrible news to any true Tomb Raider fan.
  • bron1417 - January 23, 2009 8:01 p.m.

    grandad laura haha i got a good kick outta that.
  • DeadGirls - January 23, 2009 10:13 p.m.

    Heh, pretty funny guys. Has every game developer gone fucking stupid? In this case-- They have a problem: Q. Why isn't our game selling as many units as we want it to? A. [Apparent to anyone with a fully functioning brain] Because we need to make the GAME BETTER. A. [To these clown-shoes] Umm..Ah..Er.. Because our main character isn't 'mainstream' enough? It's disheartening to think that someone in the company doesn't have the brains to say, "Look, if we de-sex Lara all that will happen is we are going to alienate or present fan base (most of whom are horny teenage boys, or were when the first game came out) and lose any potential for attracting any more who would be initially interested in the game because of Lara's sex appeal. Instead, maybe we should focus on making better gameplay, not just rehashing the same since 1996. Also, we might try hiring some REAL writers."
  • souleater77 - January 24, 2009 5:03 a.m.

    Wow... i'm surprised nobody noticed the ghostbusters lunchbox... (i hope this is the reference i think it is otherwise i just look gay...)
  • King Rupert6 - January 24, 2009 5:32 a.m.

    lol... ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest.... superbad ref. srry, couldn't resist
  • thejadefalcon - January 24, 2009 11:30 a.m.

    Uh... huh... And here we wonder why gamers are always stereotyped. Honestly, I couldn't give a damn what she wore. My favourite outfit in Legend was also the most modest (the biker outfit). I don't buy games based on who's a voice actor or who's stripped half naked (the reason I was very cautious about buying RA3). I buy games for being GAMES. Maybe I'm just not picky, but that's all I need. As long as the game is good, I couldn't care less about the voice actors. Lara should just be Lara: the fiesty countess of Abbington. She may not be the most ladyish for countesses, but that's just Lara. Stick to raiding tombs and saving the world from ancient evils. That's the Lara I want (it's sort of in the name). Otherwise, we may as well have Misty Mundae: Erotic Raider (apparently an actual film).
  • Chiropteran - January 25, 2009 1:11 p.m.

    Well said, the jadefalcon. My previous comment was an objective to stereotyping guys my age.
  • sprog - January 25, 2009 6:48 p.m.

    Basket of kitten. Genius.
  • izayuh - January 26, 2009 6:25 a.m.

    i would like to see lara naked but untill that day comes (without a patch) how about some lingerie huh?
  • MGS4SolidSnake - January 26, 2009 11:23 p.m.

    i personally think its weird that u guys want to see her naked i mean c'mon its basically a cartoon character
  • sakboy97 - January 27, 2009 10:01 p.m.

    i liked the dad one and the lil' sis one :P
  • PlatypusFan - July 29, 2009 12:49 a.m.

    lol the gun shoots unicorn bubbles
  • cronoman66 - January 23, 2009 12:47 p.m.

    "so every once in a while you might just catch a glimpse of petticoat. Or ankle! (gasp)" so awesome I just have visions of lara croft playing bowling or tennis, or something "Family Friendly" shudder, Underworld wasn't exactly bad, i think Lara needs a reinvention but whatever Eidos is thinking I pray to god she doesn't get cartoony-fied and made into a kidz(emphasis on the z) game
  • yoyoguy - January 23, 2009 12:48 p.m.

    wow. did you guys do this all by yourself? great job!
  • DeadGirls - January 23, 2009 10:07 p.m.

    Heh, pretty funny guys. Has every game developer gone fucking stupid? In this case-- They have a problem: Q. Why isn't our game selling as many units as we want it to? A. [Apparent to anyone with a fully functioning brain] Because we need to make the GAME BETTER. A. [To these clown-shoes] Umm..Ah..Er.. Because our main character isn't 'mainstream' enough? It is disheartening to think that not one person in the company has the brains to say, "Look, if we de-sex Lara all that will happen is we are going to alienate the fan base we already have (most of whom are horny teenage boys, or were when the first game came out) and lose the potential to attract others initially drawn to the game because of Lara's sex appeal. Instead, maybe we should focus on making more compelling gameplay instead of rehashing the same thing since 1996. Also, we could try hiring some REAL writers, to make the story more interesting."
  • DeadGirls - January 23, 2009 10:16 p.m.

    ^-- What an asshole. reCAPTCHA: contagious ho
  • darkwolf777 - January 23, 2009 10:35 p.m.

    Dads lara croft would sell more games but a tomb raider where lara is always naked (without a patch) is gold

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