All this week on GamesRadar, we've paid tribute to bro culture in gaming. We think we've done a pretty decent job, but you know what's been missing? Actual bros. So we wanted to round off the week with some real, authentic bro input.

What do bros really want from games? What do they think of the present state of gaming, in particular the raft of non-bro-friendly titles that make up much of the creative renaissance currently being enjoyed by the medium? To find out, we've enlisted the services of one Chad S. Bruhammer, a 100% bone fide real bro, and our brand new Bro Gaming Editor, to offer up some appraisals and suggestions for improvement.

He is definitely real, and not just a figment of my imagination. I hope you enjoy his insights, which start just over on the next page.

Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:

"So there are these two bros trekking across the desert together for something. I don’t know what. Probably some mean kegger on the other side. But what the hell, man? Why aren’t they acting like the real bros they clearly are? These guys have got to be pretty tight to be making a trip like this together (they go through some serious shit along the way), but why do they never properly celebrate in their bromanship? They’re making seriously clutch wins together all the way through the game, but they never say a word to each other. Singing? Crouching? Unspoken communication and empathic relationships? What is this weak-ass shit?

"This is a co-op game. And co-op games are the very definition of bro gaming. Any bro who's ever saved his buddy with a chainsaw execution in Gears will tell you that. This game needs regular fist-bumps. And chest-bumps. And ass-slaps. And mic chat. That’s how you create a real bond of broship. And while we’re on the subject, why are these guys walking through a desert? Dirt bikes, people, dirt bikes. What the hell?"

Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:

"Okay man, these kids are just plain dumb. They’re fighting monsters at night, and training to be badass and popular in the day so they can be even better at fighting those monsters. Good use of time. Responsible attitude. That’s how you make yourself Alpha, I appreciate that. I spend all day every day training to be a badass by consistently, categorically and without interruption being a badass, and I could totally beat down any monster pussy I wanted to if I came up against any. But these kids’ methods are all screwed, man. They need to focus like a real bro.

"You see the game lets them do anything during the day. And they do it. They hang out. They go to noodle bars. They watch movies. They do homework. What the hell? And as a result they’re such damn emo pussies that when they do get around to fighting monsters, they end up shooting themselves in the head whenever they’re threatened. Is it any wonder they’re such big quitters when they spend their time like they do? If the game wants these kids to be really badass, it should only give them three daytime options. Football practice, weights at the school gym, and keggers at the weekends. Badassery? Check. Popularity? Check. That’s how I roll, and bro, if a monster ran into me, I wouldn’t even need to fight it. As soon as it saw how capable I am and how big my crew is it’d be out of there.

"Jeez, seriously, noodle bars? WTF?"

Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:

"Motorsports. Vehicle mods. I’m down with this game, bro, I really am. But again, what’s with all these dumbass options that no-one needs? You can drive a green Cadillac with caterpillar tracks and wings while you’re dressed up as Sonic the Hedgehog? Gay.

"There are only three mods that need to be in this game. A) Big-ass trucks. B) A whole crapload of big-ass wheelrims. C) Suspension kits. Lots of ‘em.

"That’s it. Nothing else. Keep it pure, bro."

Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:

"So a guy is having girl problems. Yeah, he’s kind of a puss, but he’s a bro so you wanna help him out. But the game’s logic is just way screwed up. Problem is that he’s stuck between these two girls, and he doesn’t know which one to pick. But I ask you this, bro. How is that a problem? Believe me, I’ve been in that situation a lot - and usually with way more than two - so I know it can seem tough at first. But there’s a real obvious solution that the game doesn’t give you.

"You know what makes it worse? The answer is right in front of this guy’s nose. He spends a huge amount of time – like he should - drinking in a bar with his bros, but he misses the whole damn point, misses the whole damn solution he’s being given, and keeps on souring the buzz. Bros before hos, bro, bros before hos. He doesn’t need this crap. Game should just let you skip the stress of deciding and keep drinking with your buddies. Or, you know, just have both. Problem dealt with. Done."

Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:

"Shooting stuff. That’s cool. But dude, what’s with the presentation? Weak-ass Techno? Flowers? Butterflies? Why the hell am I wasting my bullets on this shit? Are you saying I’m not bro enough to fight a butterfly without a gun? Are you saying I’m some kind of pussy-bitch who needs to cap a marigold in case he cuts himself on the petals? Is that what you’re saying? Have you seen how much I can pump bro? Huh? Yeah!? Just what are you saying, bro!?

"Okay, okay brah, I’m chilled. It’s cool. But this game makes no sense. Why am I shooting stuff that can’t hurt me? Why am I listening to this music? Why aren’t I shooting at stuff that needs to be shot? Like terrorists. Okay, so terrorists can’t really hurt me either, because I’m a 100% pure real American CoD-playing patriot, brah, but you know what I mean. So let’s fix that. And can we switch that weak soundtrack out for some Kottonmouth Kings too? And maybe some House or Dubstep? Sweet bro, sweet."

Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:

"Okay, there’s some cool shit in Heavy Rain, but what’s with all this weak emo mystery crap? This game has badass club scenes. It has badass party scenes. You can get laid. You can see a chick’s tits. But then there’s this sorry buzzkill called Ethan moping around because his wife left him and the weather’s bad or some shit.

"Dude, check out what the hell else is going on! Clubs. Parties. Tits. Guy has a way negative attitude. He can even get laid with the tits-chick later on, and then we still have to follow him around while he mopes for a few more hours. I get that life can get a bro down sometimes. And I’m cool with a game that’s about cheering a bro up. Good times. It’s an important bro skill that every bro should be able to execute for his bros, and a game that teaches the correct ways of doing so can only be an important piece of edubrotainment. But damn, Heavy Rain teaches it wrong. More clubs. More parties. More tits. That’s what a bro-cheering simulator needs.

"And can we improve the weather too? Shit needs to be set at spring break or some shit."