Goat Simulator 2014 came out this week, giving gamers all over the world a chance to cause wanton destruction as a... goat. This, obviously, isn't how goats actually act, and our sister-site PC Gamer had a real-life goat farmer review the game for them to discuss exactly how unrealistic this game is. That's good, but not really enough. So we decided to go one step further. We found a real goat--a beautiful female named Butterball--and set her up with a copy of the game. As she played, we took notes, and the following is our direct transcription of her reactions, musings, and actions from her four-minutes with the game.
During the first loading screen, Butterball tried to walk away. We had to move around to create a wall, keeping her near the laptop.
Butterball tried to run, but our wall kept her in place. She looked angry, but then looked back at the screen when music started to play.
Butterball looked intently at the screen, tilting her head slowly as the goat appeared. We moved the mouse closer to her, urging her to play. This would be the first instance of a (non-human) animal playing a game based on the animal. History was about to be made.
Butterball looked down at the mouse and snapped at it, cracking off some of the plastic. We pulled it away, and she backed up, frightened by the fast motion. She let out another long, curious "blat."
*CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH*
She, again, moved to bite the mouse, but this time we weren't fast enough. In a moment, she'd grabbed it from the table and begun crunching. Her owner looked at us and shrugged.
We took out our spare mouse (which we'd prepared just in case) and plugged it in. Butterball kicked the mouse and the on-screen goat moved. She looked frightened, but curious.
Butterball launched herself forward, head-butting the screen and knocking the laptop off the table. We jumped up and she spun around, looking to escape. We were scared.
"BLOCK. CLOP. CLO. BLAH!"
Butterball leaned over and coughed, spitting out the remnants of the first mouse. It was apparently caught in her throat. Her owner asked us to leave.
Well, that was... educational? What did you learn? We learned that goats aren't very good at video games. Or, at least, they're more interested in eating computers than actually playing games on them. Oh well, live and learn.