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Gaming's most twisted royalty

As human train wrecks go, it’s tough to beat the monarchs of the world. From the wife massacring, good-times attitude of Henry VIII to the sadistic, serial torturer Elizabeth Bathory, nobles have always found trendy ways to inspire both fascination and disgust. Thankfully, royalty in videogames is just as morally bankrupt - we just don’t have to deal with that odd tingling sensation you get from watching a real human get their skull hacked off.


Lady Sylvana Windrunner (WoW)


Above: Less sexy when you’re downwind, believe us

Royal Derangements: She’s dead, cannibalistic and fond of mind control

Nothing says classy aristocrat like a queen who is literally rotting and happily gorges on the bloody flesh of her subjects. Once upon a time, WoW’s Lady Sylvana was a cute little high elf, frolicking through the forest gathering herbs and fellating tree roots, or whatever it is elves do. Along comes Arthas, death knight and ladies man extraordinaire, who immediately murders her and, like every playful rogue, reanimates her corpse to eternally serve his dark lord. Can you smell the romance? Oh wait, that’s decaying human flesh.

Sylvana, being the ungrateful brat she is, gets tired of being Arthas’ shambling sidekick and decides to go solo, founding her own band of twitchy corpses and somehow acquiring a giant yellow exclamation point that floats a few feet above her head. Now that, teenage girls of the world, is a role model.


Princess Kitana (Mortal Kombat series)


Above: It’s hard out here for a princess

Royal Derangements: Has a thing for bloody decapitations via razor fan… and for boys 9,000 years her junior

Sexy, deadly and flexible as hell, Kitana is every MK fanboy’s wet dream (get it, because she uses fans and…ahh, fuck it). Like so many troubled monarchs, Kitana comes from a broken home. We won’t complain if she gripes a little, though – it’s probably tough to land a date when your daddy is a brutal magician with a penchant for skulls and shouting “FINISH HIM!” at the top of his lungs.  It also doesn’t help when your mom, who the aforementioned Father of the Year murdered, is some kind of soulless banshee.


Above: So soulless she can’t even act

Kitana eventually turns on her evil ‘rents and helps Earthrealm maintain its independence through bloodsport… or something. Let’s be honest, the Mortal Kombat fiction retcons and redefines itself with every game, so sorting out a “true” canon is best left to… wait, does anyone argue about the official MK timeline?


Princess Peach (Super Mario series)


Above: Not what she seems

Royal Derangements: Aside from a fairly obvious proclivity for BDSM, Peachy is also a bit of an exhibitionist; look for her billowing, open skirt to float over a town near you

While on the surface she may like the picture of royal restraint and decorum, let's be honest, Princess Peach is a mess. She rules a kingdom of Mushrooms, is eternally cock-teasing a fat plumber AND his scrawny brother, and there's no way a princess gets captured that often by the same giant monster without eventually being eaten. Clearly there's some "exchange of services" happening there.

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22 comments

  • FlyinHawaiian13 - December 2, 2010 1:38 a.m.

    I'd like to submit me from Fable 3. I was a bastard.
  • BoondockSaint54 - December 2, 2010 1:21 a.m.

    I've always had such a huge crush on Katana. Ever since MK2. For some reason not Mileena, even though they're almost identical, except for the monster teeth.
  • Yeager1122 - December 2, 2010 12:40 a.m.

    So thats how Bowser does it.
  • skyguy343 - December 1, 2010 11 p.m.

    Woah, when did Gamesradar start dropping F-bombs? Or are freelancers secret badasses?
  • ODmangaz - December 1, 2010 9:50 p.m.

    Wait.....Isn't it Sylvanas, with an 's'? Was last time I logged into WoW...
  • philipshaw - December 1, 2010 7:29 p.m.

    Great article, good to see the black barron on here. "OH HELL NO"
  • Clovin64 - December 1, 2010 10:56 a.m.

    The Black Baron deserves more Talkradar sound effects. His lines never get old!
  • FauxFurry - December 1, 2010 7:02 a.m.

    I'm guessing that the Prince/Princess/King/Queen from Fable 3 doesn't count on account of all of the twisted behavior being optional,even if one can earn the Henry the Eighth achievement for emulating that real life royal pain. No mention of Count Dracula (because he isn't exclusive to games?),Morrigan from DarkStalkers,Sheogorath from Elder Scrolls 4's Shivering Isles (or his counterpart, Jyggalag), Suikoden 2's Luca Blight,Prince/King/Overlord Laharl from Disgaea,Princess Rosalin from Disgaea 2,Caesar from Fallout:New Vegas, King Trode of Dragon Quest 8 (if only for appearance and mannerisms)or even King Kong (Bundy or otherwise)? What an tremendous oversight,that was. I guess that makes you KING vermin!(I couldn't resist an opportunity to make that Final Fantasy 7 reference in an article about royalty!)
  • Lionzest7 - December 1, 2010 5:40 a.m.

    (puts on red shirt) it's Sylvanas Windrunner.
  • Spacegrass - December 1, 2010 4:37 a.m.

    Great article, but all of these monarchs still seem pretty tame. I guess that's because no one's made a Song of Ice and Fire video game.
  • 510BrotherPanda - December 1, 2010 4:26 a.m.

    @BlackElement17 red shirt WoW fan guy: "I NOTICED SOMETHING...IT SAID..." I still think KoAC tops most, even though he's probably the most irresponsible parent ever.
  • EnragedTortoise1 - December 1, 2010 3:57 a.m.

    AW HELL NAW. Well, now I know where that sound effect came from...
  • GameManiac - December 1, 2010 3:15 a.m.

    Not surprised at Peach and Bowser being here. Will their backstory be explained? Probably not.
  • reveffect - December 1, 2010 1:57 a.m.

    I love to smack a fat bat in some fat ass too. Preferably a hot female fat ass xD.
  • TheWerebear - December 1, 2010 12:15 a.m.

    I have to say, I laughed pretty hard when you accused Sylvanis of fellating tree roots, that's just flat out awesome. At the risk of being a WoW dork though, I feel the need to point out that her name is Sylvanis, not Sylvana.
  • Larinah - November 30, 2010 11:03 p.m.

    I couldn't agree more. Duke is the perfect human being. The king of the cosmos is neat too though.
  • BlackElement17 - November 30, 2010 10:09 p.m.

    How dare you mock Lady Sylvana? She single handedly liberated the forsaken from that tyrant Arthas.
  • Sy87 - November 30, 2010 9:58 p.m.

    I hate royalty(except Duke). I like to destroy all kingdoms and royalty beside what makes them royal aside from stepping on the highest rock and saying oh god made me royal obey me cus you can't dispute that. Down with all kings! And I do mean all. Duke Nukem 4 President.
  • celticsfan645 - November 30, 2010 9:25 p.m.

    You Meat DUke Nukem is Fake. This is great news. I can finally go back to the mothership and have the invasion begin. BWAHAHAHAH
  • MrDuracraft - November 30, 2010 9:04 p.m.

    Duke Nukem. I... I see what u did thar.

Showing 1-20 of 22 comments

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