As human train wrecks go, it’s tough to beat the monarchs of the world. From the wife massacring, good-times attitude of Henry VIII to the sadistic, serial torturer Elizabeth Bathory, nobles have always found trendy ways to inspire both fascination and disgust. Thankfully, royalty in videogames is just as morally bankrupt - we just don’t have to deal with that odd tingling sensation you get from watching a real human get their skull hacked off.
Lady Sylvana Windrunner (WoW)
Above: Less sexy when you’re downwind, believe us
Royal Derangements: She’s dead, cannibalistic and fond of mind control
Nothing says classy aristocrat like a queen who is literally rotting and happily gorges on the bloody flesh of her subjects. Once upon a time, WoW’s Lady Sylvana was a cute little high elf, frolicking through the forest gathering herbs and fellating tree roots, or whatever it is elves do. Along comes Arthas, death knight and ladies man extraordinaire, who immediately murders her and, like every playful rogue, reanimates her corpse to eternally serve his dark lord. Can you smell the romance? Oh wait, that’s decaying human flesh.
Sylvana, being the ungrateful brat she is, gets tired of being Arthas’ shambling sidekick and decides to go solo, founding her own band of twitchy corpses and somehow acquiring a giant yellow exclamation point that floats a few feet above her head. Now that, teenage girls of the world, is a role model.
Princess Kitana (Mortal Kombat series)
Above: It’s hard out here for a princess
Royal Derangements: Has a thing for bloody decapitations via razor fan… and for boys 9,000 years her junior
Sexy, deadly and flexible as hell, Kitana is every MK fanboy’s wet dream (get it, because she uses fans and…ahh, fuck it). Like so many troubled monarchs, Kitana comes from a broken home. We won’t complain if she gripes a little, though – it’s probably tough to land a date when your daddy is a brutal magician with a penchant for skulls and shouting “FINISH HIM!” at the top of his lungs. It also doesn’t help when your mom, who the aforementioned Father of the Year murdered, is some kind of soulless banshee.
Above: So soulless she can’t even act
Kitana eventually turns on her evil ‘rents and helps Earthrealm maintain its independence through bloodsport… or something. Let’s be honest, the Mortal Kombat fiction retcons and redefines itself with every game, so sorting out a “true” canon is best left to… wait, does anyone argue about the official MK timeline?
Princess Peach (Super Mario series)
Above: Not what she seems
Royal Derangements: Aside from a fairly obvious proclivity for BDSM, Peachy is also a bit of an exhibitionist; look for her billowing, open skirt to float over a town near you
While on the surface she may like the picture of royal restraint and decorum, let's be honest, Princess Peach is a mess. She rules a kingdom of Mushrooms, is eternally cock-teasing a fat plumber AND his scrawny brother, and there's no way a princess gets captured that often by the same giant monster without eventually being eaten. Clearly there's some "exchange of services" happening there.
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