Gaming’s least hard hard-men

They look tough, but they're really polygonal pansies

As comfortable with a gun as he is at dishing out ‘street’ philosophy, Sweet is a hard nut with a bit of brains. He’s viciously loyal to the families in the Grove Street area he lives in, frequently clearing out rival gang bangers and dealers. He also drinks beer, plays poker and shoots first.

Why he’s not hard at all

Not as hard as… Zero

Capping someone in the ass from half a block away is beneath a guy like Zero, who often wages full scale wars, complete with helicopters and tanks. Battles with arch-nemesis Berkley may be fought on a miniature model scale, but their sheer ferocity is the definition of hard. He even helps pull off an Ocean’s Eleven-esque casino heist.

Above: You don’t need 11 guys when you’ve got Zero

Why you’d think he’s a hard man

Above: Nothing says hard like picking fights with small children

On the surface Russell appears to be an amalgamation of every bully you’ve ever come across in your life. He’s the guy who stole your lunch money, the one who beat you up after school, the sort who gave you the dreaded rear admiral.

Canis Canem Edit’s alpha wedgie-giver is the vicious type too and his brutal fighting style and limited vocabulary seem to have been taken straight from The Incredible Hulk. There’s also no one he won’t beat up. From preppies, greasers, geeks and even cops; he’d give God a dead arm if he got the chance.

Why he’s not hard at all

Not as hard as… Earnest Jones

Having fists hard like concrete is all fine and well, but we’d rather be backed up by the geek with the death ray. Not only is Jones a brilliant inventor, his moral compass is turned to maniacal. He’s the perfect mad scientist in the making. And anyone who has the potential to vaporise entire cities is hard in our book.

Above: C'mon, who wouldn't want their own child-killing death ray?

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