Video game characters are increasingly becoming the poster children for gym membership. With most of gaming’s heroes and heroines being chiseled, pert and with cheek bones you could grate cheese on, there seems to be less and less room for the more gelatinous gentleman in the industry.
That’s why we thought we’d celebrate those characters who said no to Atkins and still managed to pull off moves that would shame most gold-winning Olympians. But while they might seem fighting fit on your console, we’ll look at the grim reality these gaming goliaths would face as a result of their big bones.
The game - Pile on the pounds with the Los Santos layabout by stuffing too many Clucking Bells down your colon and CJ might struggle learning some of the game’s fighting styles and won’t be able to swim or run for as long. But that’s really the only drawback to letting the Grove Street gangster pile on the pounds. Fat CJ is still a crack marksman, a master of stealth, an accomplished cyclist and can even bust a mean move on the dance floor.
The star of San Andreas proudly packing some excess junk in his drunk.
The reality – In real life fat CJ would spend most of his time eating Burger Shots while sprawled out on his couch listening to Radio Los Santos. Forget those Agent 47-esque shooting skills. His chubby fingers would get stuck in most of the weapons’ triggers. A stealthy burglar? Don’t think so. His thundering 20 stone footsteps would shake the very foundations of any house he tried to rob. He’d break any bicycle he sat on. And, with his advanced weight, the only thing this fatty would bust on the dance floor would be his hip
The only thing the Grove Street Goliath is gonna be 'hip' to is some expensive medical bills. Ouch
The game – In the original Resident Evil, the don of dire dialogue - which infamously includes calling Jill the ‘master of unlocking’ - regularly comes to his fellow S.T.A.R.S. members' aide. Whether it’s saving her from becoming a ‘Jill Sandwich’ from a falling ceiling or helping against the Tyrant, this tubbo laughs in the face of undeath.
Barry Burton is the gaming equivalent of George Lucas. Fat, beardy and with enough stilted dialog to curl even hardened fanboy's toes
The reality – Somehow we can’t see burly Barry surviving in a mansion full of super-fit feral dogs, hunters and giant snakes. The only way he’d survive would be locking himself in the kitchen until Jill and Chris had wiped out the zombie menace. Although, threat of the undead or not, we’d imagine him doing that anyway.
A Fridge too far: Nothing like a feast to make you forget about that 40 foot feral snake in the attic
The game – Ever since Kirby’s Dream Land in 1992 the bloated blob has been running, jumping and floating around planet Pop Star like a champion Olympian. Ninty’s star has never let his rotund frame get in the way of his success, with Kirby bagging himself his own anime and comic series off the back of his game adventures.
Kirby may have been developed in the home of the bullet train, but who needs 200mph public transport when you've got more aerial prowess than Concord. Well... before the accidents
The reality – Have you seen the size of this portly pink bastard recently? A native of planet Pop Star? More like planet Pop Tart. Kirby should barely be able to move let alone save an entire civilization with his acrobatic abilities. The sizeable sphere’s signature move from Kirby’s Adventure onwards is his ability to devour enemies and then spit them out, usurping their powers in the process. Though, judging by his latest trip to the scales, we’d wager most of those baddies are still stuffed in his stomach.
The agonizing wait for his first proper Wii adventure has left the Kirbster with a severe pastry problem
The game – Sons of Liberty’s self-proclaimed ‘emperor of explosives’ is not only a mastermind when it comes to building and blowing up bombs, he’s also an uncannily nimble rollerblader. Planting C4 all over the roof of the Big Shell - which have to be disarmed under a strict time limit - it’s no wonder Raiden had trouble besting this behemoth of a man. It also doesn’t help that during the entirety of the battle he gracefully pirouettes past your bullets like he was performing for Dancing on Ice.
Patriot stooge he may be, but this fatty can still reach some mean speeds thanks to his rollerblades. A classic bit of Koj madness
The reality – In the game he comes across as a wine connoisseur. No house red is that fattening, though, and we suspect he's been guzzling one too many choccie shakes during his time off from terrorism. We'd also be surprised if his skates lasted more than a few minutes under his bulky build. But, even if they didn’t buckle, he’d still be out of puff after laying his first bomb, leaving Raiden to fire a few bullets into his fat face for a quick kill.
Nothing like a few hundred, health-sapping calories to prepare you for a life or death battle