Ahh, Game of Thrones. That fun, feel-good family-friendly show filled with backstabbing both political and physical. If you've found yourself impervious to the show's brand of heartbreak through season 2, well, season 3 might be the one that finally does you in. You'll see. Get caught up with our handy recap before the show returns with season 6 on April 24 (or April 25 if you live in the UK).
Westeros is still in turmoil - because of course it is - but after Stannis' failed attempts to attack King's Landing, the Lannisters continue to hold on to the Iron Throne. King Joffrey is now betrothed to Lady Margaery Tyrell, and he continues to be really weird and creepy about it.
Sansa Stark, now dumped and possibly in danger now that she has no political reason to be kept alive, is attempting to flee King's Landing. She confides in Petyr ‘Littlefinger’ Baelish - who, unbeknownst to her, is one of the people responsible for her father's death and has a thing for her mom, Catelyn - and he's also really weird and creepy about it.
Luckily, before Creeperson can make a move on Sansa, Tywin Lannister promotes him to Lord of Harrenhal and decrees that he sail off to the Eyrie to marry Lysa Arryn. He then promotes Tyrion to Master of Coin in his stead and forces him to marry Sansa. Neither of them are very happy about this - Sansa just wants to stay alive, while Tyrion is madly in love with someone else. He gets blindingly drunk on his wedding night.
Over in Essos, Daenerys is building her army, buying then freeing several thousand Unsullied (i.e., eunuch slaves who are brutally trained in combat). Well… buying is a nice way to put it. She sells one of her dragons to the slave owners, then has it rain hellfire on the city to get her dragon back. She then uses those soldiers to sack numerous cities and free their slaves, who all voluntarily join her exponentially increasing army.
Dany gonna fuck your day up, for real.
Up in the north, Jon Snow continues to be pretty useless. He spends much of season 3 getting to know the Wildlings and their leader, but his cover gets blown when he's unable to kill a few innocent people at the Wildlings' request. Ygritte shoots him with a few arrows (but doesn't kill him because she actually likes the dingus), but he escapes and falls at Castle Black's doorstep.
Nope. Still doesn't know a goddamn thing.
Bran Stark continues to make his way toward the Wall, and is haunted by disturbing visions. Along the way, he meets Meera and Jojen Reed. Jojen has similar powers to Bran, and has sought him out to protect him. Bran learns that he is a warg, able to control the minds of animals and less-intelligent humans.
Osha takes Bran's younger brother, Rickon, to hang with the Umber family while they head past the Wall in search of the three-eyed raven Bran sees in his dreams.
Brienne of Tarth continues her journey toward King's Landing with Jaime Lannister in tow. They end up captured by the Boltons, and Jaime gives them a hand…
...not voluntarily, of course.
Lord Bolton is pissed that his own men have maimed a highborn Lannister, and frees Jaime on the condition that he won't tell anyone the Boltons were responsible for his, uh, injury. They keep Brienne under arrest, though, and force her to fight a bear. Jaime leaps into the pit to save her.
The escape the pit together, and both are free to return to King's Landing.
Meanwhile, war rages on as Robb Stark continues his assault on the Lannisters. Robb has led his troops to several victories, but loses momentum due to a series of poor decisions, and has to call upon House Frey for assistance. You know, the house he betrayed when he went back on his promise to marry one of Lord Frey's daughters. They meet for dinner to celebrate their newly forged alliance when...
*hurk* Well, that's it. I guess the show's over then - wait, there's more after this??? But all the nice people are dead!!!
Oh, that's right! Arya! She's been running around trying to rejoin her family, eventually finding the unlikely assistance of a big brute known as The Hound, and is moments away from a touching reunion when she stumbles upon this whole mess. Luckily, she's able to get away without getting caught.
Let's not forget about poor ol' Theon Greyjoy. He got knocked the hell out in season 2, and is now in the hands of Ramsay Snow, the deranged bastard son of Lord Bolton. Theon is tortured, castrated, and beaten until he submits to his new name: Reek.
This is a fun show, you guys! Aren't we having fun? Stay tuned for season 4, where this series inexplicably continues onward.