Not so nice to meet you
You know how you sometimes get asked that question often during a conversational lull during an already boring dinner party - Who would you like to meet, and why? You might even have already heard it in relation to video game characters. It would be cool to meet Mario for real, right? Cheery chap. Cool moustache. Good times. And how cool would it be to get some real, first-person insight into the life of one of the most successful video game characters of all time?
Wrong. You definitely dont want to meet Mario, or most of your other gaming heroes for that matter. Have a scroll through this article and Ill explain whats wrong with all of them. You can still admire them of course, but please, do so from afar.
Mario has been running and jumping on literally everything in sight for decades now. That is some aggressive hyperactivity he has going on there, and hes not going to stop just because youre a fan. Just trying to hold a conversation amid his spontaneous sprints, leaps and Wahoo!s would leave you exhausted within half an hour. Also, do you really want to hang around a guy who spends all day getting high on mushrooms? Get a job, Mario. He might be dressed like a plumber, but have you ever actually seen him fix any of those pipes?
If you do end up meeting him, despite my warnings, please make sure you keep your wallet hidden, or hell pilfer all of your spare change. Maybe just pay for things on your card to be on the safe side. You might be okay with notes. Unless of course, you meet Paper Mario. Get it? Like paper money?
Yeah? Moving on...
Sonic the Hedgehog
Actually, I should apologise to Mario, because hes not the worst for stealing your valuables. At least if he nicks some of your money, he cant run away that fast. Its a whole different story if Sonic the Hedgehog gets a hold of your trinkets. And hes in it for much bigger pickings. Jewellery and precious stones at the very least.
If you do somehow manage to catch up with him, a single punch will see him drop some of the swag. But hes still a hedgehog, and with all those spikes, you hit him at your own risk. Is it really worth it? Also, hes blue. Hedgehogs arent supposed to be blue. Theres something seriously, evolutionarily wrong with that creature. Stay away. Just stay away.
Hows it going?
Nice weather were having.
That will be your entire conversation with Gordon Freeman. Enjoy. And have fun trying to talk him down once he starts trying to open doors with a crowbar.
You know what these angsty, image conscious adolescents are like. You try to engage them in conversation, and all they want to do is talk about how big their sword is. You just know theres a Tinder profile out there somewhere where hes posing with the Buster Sword beneath a towering mass of pristinely preened hair that hes just desperate for you to notice - but his description has a quote thats something tritely positive, like Always believe in the power of friends. Total, surface-level, internet poser.
Hed never find the time to meet you anyway. When hes not messing around with Aerith or hanging out with his other friends, hes usually off fighting evil and saving the world. Probably just for attention though. Give it a rest, would ya, Cloud? No-one needs to see another Junon reactor selfie.
Ive never been interested in anyone elses life. Other people just complicate my life. I dont like to get involved.
Oh, okay then Snake, Ill just leave you alone then, shall I? Yeah, hes pretty much a sociopath, this guy. And on top of that, hes a well trained, highly skilled killer. Thats not the friendliest combo. Steer clear unless you want a gun pointed at your parts and a grizzled man trying to take your rations. But wait, whats this?
I think at any time, any place people can fall in love with each other. Kinda sending out mixed signals there, Snake. Maybe add 'monstrously irrational mood-swings' to the list of reasons you probably dont want to meet him.
Come on, I dont have actually have to explain this one to you do I? If you want to meet an arrogant, aggressive, wise-cracking, politically incorrect idiot who solves all his problems using a combination of brute force, explosions, and machismo, then dig up Russell Crowes address on a Hollywood star map. Also, dont you hate it when people wear their sunglasses all the time, even indoors?
If you do end up meeting him, just dont ask him to do any of his famous quotes. Hell hate that. Just ask any celebrity who, decades later, still has that once-cool-and-hilarious catchphrase shackled around their neck. In fact hell probably respond by killing you with brute force and explosions. And then hell do one of his famous quotes anyway, because thats all he has left, damn it. But you wont hear it. Cos youll be dead.
While Mario is getting high on mushrooms all day, Pac-Man is popping pills. Then he gets a bit peckish and eats some fruit. Then he goes and attacks ghosts. This is another guy you dont want to meet, at least not until he goes to rehab.
Its unclear if the waka waka waka waka sound is due to Pac-Mans substance abuse or just a crippling speech impediment. If the former, you might be able to get a decent conversation out of him after he gets clean. If not then thats all youre gonna get, and dont think youll even get a word in. Its endless. He cant even move without wakking. If you want to emulate the experience without having to leave the comfort of your own home, save yourself the trouble of actually hanging out with him by just putting your finger in your ear and scratching, quickly and rhythmically. Go on, try it. It totally works.
Now, Commander Shepard is just an extension of whoevers playing him or her, and who in their right mind would want to meet you? No, Im only kidding, Im sure youre lovely. And I bet you dont work on a bog-basic, three point morality compass like Shep does.
Everything you say, Shep is either going to react well, poorly, or morally ambiguously. If youre going out to eat, make sure you select the kind of food he likes. He has a tendency to randomly slap people or push them out of windows if hes annoyed. He also has a tendency to butt into
Im Commander Shepard and this is my favourite slide in the article.
Damn it, Shepard.
Can I take a rain-check?
Well, you know what they say, never meet your idols. Why dont you let me know which gaming characters youd like to meet in the comments section below? Or better yet, come up with some examples of characters you definitely wouldnt want to meet, and why.
Looking for more character assassination? For in-game unpopularity, check out Video game characters no-one ever picks. And if all this interpersonal negativity has you longing for some altogether more delightful company, have a look through our run-down of 14 game characters we (seriously) fell in love with.