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ClassicRadar: What if… Hitler smoked pot?

Last month marked the five-year anniversary of GamesRadar, so to celebrate, we brought back some of our favorite features from the past. You all seemed to like seeing them again in our new, bigger format with prettier images, though, so we're continuing to do them. It's pretty flattering that you like our old stuff in new packaging, and we like the idea of articles we put a lot of thought into getting a second chance at life on a layout that doesn't suck. Besides, remastering these things is a hell of a lot easier than coming up with something new, especially on busy days. Leaves more time for staring at the ceiling and/or carefully rearranging the dust-covered knicknacks on our desks.

Speaking of which, I think something's up with the ceiling today. A bunch of helicopters flew way too low over our roof earlier, and they may have knocked something loose. I'm pretty sure I saw a chunk of the ceiling waft down and settle gently on one of Brett's many Spider-Man action figures, but I don't have the heart to tell him because moving like one piece of that collection runs the risk of knocking all the other ones down like dominoes. It's a goddamn miracle they're all still standing in one place, considering how many minor earthquakes hit us in a given month. Because after all, this is the Bay Area, where some genius got the idea to build several large cities on a massive faultline and now we're all sort of counting the days until this whole place just sort of topples over into the Pacific. It's going to happen, and all of Brett's Spider-Men will topple right along with it. And I know he doesn't want to hear that, but I'm pretty sure the science is with me on this one.

While we're on the topic of counting the days until catastrophic disaster, have you seen those May 21 billboards? Apparently some people think Judgment Day's going to happen in just over a month. What are those people going to do when we're still all here in a year's time? Are they going to be like Internet trolls, just endlessly trying to prove how they were really right all along and "judgment day" was really like a subtle spiritual reawakening that nobody noticed or Jesus was washing his hair that day or blah blah blah? I mean, I thinkI can talk shit about them without fear of looking like an idiot in a few months, because either they'll be wrong or we'll all be dead. And in that case, I won't really care if the joke's on me because I'll be dead. So I win either way. Besides, and I reiterate: science.

So that brings us to this reprint of a rambling essay some asshole wrote about Hitler smoking pot, because four-twenty, dude! Fooouuuuuurrrrr-tweeeeenty! I repeated that in case you haven't heard enough kids screaming it into your gaming headsets today. Anyway, the following originally posted a year ago today, in April 2010, and was pretty OK I guess.


Today is 4/20 – or April 20, for you pedants out there – and if you spend a lot of time on the internet or otherwise consuming pop culture, you probably already know that it’s a trendy day to get high, thanks to the habits of a group of 1970s high school kids who liked to smoke out every afternoon at 4:20. However, it’s not just an undeclared pothead’s holiday; it’s also the real-life birthday of one of gaming’s most enduring, hated and mockable villains, Adolf Hitler.

The second I realized both of those things at the same time, I had a burning question to explore: what if Adolf Hitler, the most infamous hate figure of the 20th century and a fixture in virtually every World War II game, had been a stoner?


Above: It’d explain the red eyes, for starters 

As it turns out, Hitler was no stranger to recreational drugs, chiefly methamphetamine (with which he was reportedly injected almost daily) and cocaine. Both of these are widely known as the drugs of choice for terrifying assholes. Terrifying, paranoid assholes. The kinds of assholes who want to hide in vast underground bunkers, surround themselves with heavily armed sycophants and order the deaths of millions before adopting a scorched-earth stance toward their own countries.

Meanwhile, among pot smokers, the biggest assholes tend to be the ones who ruin college parties by insisting that everyone be forced to listen to some reggae right now. I’m stereotyping here, but then again, I did go to college. And while I knew my share of doofuses with subscriptions to High Times and walls decorated by cannabis-themed burlap sacks, only two or three were the type to hijack a political system and subjugate entire nations. Five, tops.


Above: Sadly, none of them could manage a grin as frightening as this 

Holy shit, dude, college. Did you know they didn’t even have grades at my school? All I ever had to do was show up and hammer out some pretentious bullshit about Chaucer or Marshall MacLuhan or whatever, and I’d get credit for it. Never even had to crack a book. Do you know how many ridiculous glass bongs the average college student’s book money can buy? I do, and it’s a lot.


Above: Seriously, you have no idea 

Oh hey, right, Hitler. So yeah, apparently Hitler’s doctor was always injecting him with meth and dog urine and all kinds of crazy shit for his Parkinson’s or syphilis or whatever, so really, having a toke every once in a while would have been a huge improvement from his normal regimen. At the very least, it wouldn’t have hurt anything. And if he’d been getting high instead of tweaking, Germany’s political makeup in the 1930s and ‘40s would have looked very different.

Consider what we know about most potheads today:

• They don’t commit acts of violence, or really acts of anything else, while stoned.
• They insist on working pot references into every aspect of their lives, from their clothes and dorm-room decorations to gamertags and conversations with strangers on the bus.

What we know today as the National Socialists probably replaced by the Ganjanal Tokelists, or whatever that translates to in German. They probably also would have risen to power on a hemp-centric platform, because as any stoner will tell you, hemp is a super-useful substance that can be used to make uncomfortable uniforms, rope and… uh, ropes… uh…


Above: Ropes are pretty important 

Hell, World War II probably wouldn’t have even happened, because unless they found out about the Sudetenland’s massive stocks of nonperishable snack food, Hitler and his pals would’ve sat around arguing about whether the planet was actually a hollow sphere and if, like, we all lived inside of it. (Which, come to think of it, they did anyway.) They probably also would’ve fixated on finding weird old mystical artifacts, because hey, what stoner could resist using the Ark of the Covenant as a massive stash box? That’d be so cool. It’d be, like, you’re keeping your shit where God kept his shit. Just thinking about all the layers and layers of history there must have really blown Hitler’s mind.

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22 comments

  • lovinmyps3 - May 16, 2011 5:20 a.m.

    This article is one of my favorites.
  • ack235 - April 21, 2011 10:26 p.m.

    This is frekin awsom!!! if If that Catipilar moustachioed man was sky high, the world wouldve been a hella lot better. To quote FauxFurry. "Put that in your pipe and smoke it"
  • philipshaw - April 21, 2011 11:39 a.m.

    This article was and still is amazing, also nice intro Mikel
  • zigs - April 21, 2011 9:44 a.m.

    Just as funny as second time round xD Fucking hysterical read!
  • jackthemenace - April 21, 2011 9:29 a.m.

    I would buy that game.
  • OtterPopAfterbirth - April 21, 2011 8:16 a.m.

    dear mr. reparaz, awesome article. you guys should have more articles of this form "what if _____ did ______". examples: what if marcus phenix was a vegan? what if solid snake went on dancing with the stars? alright i'm sure you can come up with much better ones. by the way, where'd you get that shirt that just says "drugs"? homemade?
  • JuliePeesgood - April 21, 2011 3:34 a.m.

    Wow... Awesomeness. Pure awesomeness.
  • dphoenix192 - April 21, 2011 3:17 a.m.

    This reminds me of hipsterhitler.com Its a pretty funny comic if any of you haven't heard of it.
  • Bianchi - April 21, 2011 3:11 a.m.

    It's also my brithday lol.....WAIT DOES THAT MEAN IM LIKE HITLER? D: lol just kidding, i liked this article a lot, and lol at the tags? xd
  • HumanMeatPuppet - April 21, 2011 2:59 a.m.

    This is the exact article I read when I had gone through a dry period of GR. It was a huge mistake to ever stop visiting this site frequently. I'd like to commend Mikel Reparaz for finding a newfound love for this site. * On a side note, no I do not smoke weed
  • 8bitBaby - April 21, 2011 2:30 a.m.

    also the WANT MORE section! it's wonderfully chaotic! "Holy shit guys there’s a webpage with boobs on it" XDD
  • 8bitBaby - April 21, 2011 2:28 a.m.

    XDD the broken images. gold.
  • elchetos - April 21, 2011 2:28 a.m.

    Pure awesome sauce!! Like, damn good, man
  • Yaro - April 21, 2011 2:06 a.m.

    Yeah my personal fave. =3
  • ninjaemperor - April 21, 2011 2:03 a.m.

    My favorite article ever.
  • FauxFurry - April 21, 2011 1:54 a.m.

    This article ought to be enough to get them to legalize it. "It just might prevent the next genocidal mad-man from nearly wiping an entire race from the face of the Earth which he is bent on conquering! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!" Of course, someone will call Godwin's Law on the whole thing and then everything will be reset to square one.
  • deadhead8786 - April 21, 2011 1:42 a.m.

    Funny article, and probably true. If Hitler was a potsmoker he probably would have been playing hackey sack instead of planning the murder of millions.
  • Moondoggie1157 - April 21, 2011 1:12 a.m.

    We all know if Hitler smoked herb he never would have picked on the jews... He would have completed art school and picked on the French, like the rest of us normal people. (Yes I know the French fell to Germany, I know my history) Well, he would have picked on either the French or the Dutch and their damned wooden shoes... I kid ;) happy 420, much love friends!
  • MsSmith - April 21, 2011 1:01 a.m.

    Mikel, if you'd ever run for president, I'd vote for you. Then create fake people to vote for you. Then go to jail.
  • geneticallyalteredsupergiraffeejaculatinggrenades - April 21, 2011 1:01 a.m.

    I went back and reread this earlier today. Now it's on the homepage again.

Showing 1-20 of 22 comments

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