BLOG If the Apocalypse Comes, Just Dance

Do you have a special skill that will help you survive the zombie apocalypse? SFX Blogger Kell Harker does, and here she shares how pole dancing can save you from becoming a zombie meal.


Scenario: Your city succumbs to a devastating zombie outbreak. The zombies are fast, and you’re out of shape. Will you survive?

I’m always brainstorming survival strategies for when the zombies attack, which is why I attended the How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse seminar at the SFX Weekender 2. During the seminar I was chosen by the survival experts to be the girl who should help to re-populate the planet. Hmm. Flattered, but I really think I could be so much more useful than that to help ensure the survival of humanity. Please take into consideration that I’m good with a hockey stick. I am Canadian, after all. Fact: The best weapon to use on a zombie is the one that you don’t have to reload. I also know that it’s important to be in good shape, because if you can’t run like a jaguar or if you’re not limber enough to maneuver yourself away from a zombies’ submission hold, you’re meat. So always with the coming apocalypse in mind, I’ve been training my body using a fitness activity that is not commonly associated with zombie defense: pole dancing.

Actually it was watching hottie Rose McGowan as Cherry Darling working the pole in Planet Terror that inspired me to learn how to pole dance. Doesn’t it seem like a useful skill to have on z-day? I’m still very much an amateur, but I’m confident that one day I’ll be spinning with the greatest of ease. Not only would pole dancing distract a zombie (everyone knows that zombies are easily distracted) whilst a friend makes a break for safety, but spinning around on a pole would surely make it difficult for an undead to grab me and eat me. I’m so confident in the practicality of this skill that I couldn’t help but say to myself, “Bring it on ” when Michael Rooker ( The Walking Dead, Slither ) wrote “Your meat” on my Facebook wall. I know I’m prepared for z-day; I know I’d survive.

At first I only hoped that attending pole dancing class would help increase my chance of my survival during the zombie onslaught, but as it turns out, it’s also good fun! Anyone of any age and physique can do it. So if you’ve been obsessively watching the Dead Island trailer on YouTube like I have, or if you’re hooked on AMC’s The Walking Dead and feeling concerned that the apocalypse will arrive any day now, you’re probably wanting to increase your strength and defensive skills, so why not give pole dance a try? I dare you. I’m a dork and painfully clumsy and I can sorta kinda do it, so I know you’d be great at it.

Impact Movement Studios Inc. (shout-out!) is where I go to learn how to pole dance, and there are a lot of dance studios out there if I’ve piqued your interest in taking a class. Unfortunately I still find myself attending the classes alone; most people find the class intimidating so they steer clear which is a shame because it’s super easy to learn and it’s about fitness and zombie survival, not sex. Okay, it’s a little about sex… Feeling sexy is just a bonus.

Do I think I’ll charm a zombie into not eating me with my graceful dance performance? Nah. But with my unique skill set – to recap: willing to help repopulate the planet, good with a hockey stick and comfortable on a pole; knowledgeable about zombies – I bet given the chance I could charm my way on to your zombie killin’ team and prove invaluable to the team’s survival. Anyway, think about it, and when z-day arrives just give me a shout and I’ll come rescue your butt and give you a free dance.

Special thanks to Impact Movement Dance Studio for preparing me for the zombie apocalypse with such an awesome pole dance class.

Do you have a special skill that will come in handy during the zombie apocalypse? Do you have a hobby or activity that you like to do that has been inspired by a sci-fi or fantasy movie or show? Please feel free to post your thoughts in the comment section below.