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Animal Crossing's dark side revealed

Anyone who listens to TalkRadar knows I’m something of an Animal Crossing fan. I've been playing since the first week it was released in the US some six years ago. Always found it a nice relaxing break from all the head-shotting, eff-bombing Mature games that dominate the market. Nothing wrong with ‘em, no sir, just need a goddam vacation once in a while.

Then, while starting a brand new Hylia in City Folk, I noticed all these suggestive undertones cleverly hidden amidst the sunny “golly gee” disposition. Consider how you would feel about the following turn of events, which we accept as commonplace for Animal Crossing games, if they happened to you.

Gruhhhhhh….

You slowly open your eyes and see only a bipedal cat standing in a dimly lit room. One unseen lamp illuminates just enough of the cat and surrounding hardwood floor to let you know you’ve arrived here by some means other than your own. In other words, you got popped on the back of the head and carried into this warehouse. The cat says you two have to catch a bus. Like now.

So now you’re being smuggled into a town. At night. On a bus with no passengers. That’s creepy as hell. The wide-eyed, overly earnest “doesn’t this sound exciting?!” plea coming from Rover the Cat isn’t helping. Dear god, have you been kidnapped by some bizarre furry cult?

In the morning you finally meet the mayor, who only says he’s planning on watching you from afar. WATCHING, heh heh heh. And waiting for… something. Maybe to make ornaments out of your internal organs.

Then comes your first encounter with Tom Nook, the raccoon shopkeeper who clearly operates Nook’s Cranny as a front for a slave trade. You’re forcefully moved into this town with no home or assets, then told you suddenly owe an exorbitant amount of money to a talking raccoon who’s probably the one who orchestrated your kidnapping in the first place.

Hm, yes, you will be paying back this loan, kid. Even if it takes you 100 years. He’ll fend off the reaper just to make sure you never have a free cent to your name.

Oh no, don’t you dare pay him in cash! He wants his assets wired into separate accounts, each more fiendishly hidden than the last. As if he wasn’t shady enough, now he only wants electronic fund transfers? That’s bordering on supervillain territory.

And he’ll explain the details later? Later when? “Later when I’m dumping your body into the river?” later?

This is what your indoctrination has bought you – a concrete-floored, roach-infested junk pile, complete with busted radio that Nook admits barely works. This… is not looking good.

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40 comments

  • Taxtm - January 23, 2009 3:32 a.m.

    ... Wow, that was very...dark. Funny, but...(shutters)
  • Garchomp617 - January 30, 2009 5:02 p.m.

    Wow. How can they sneak all this stuff in right in front of us like this?
  • Garchomp617 - January 30, 2009 5:03 p.m.

    Wow. How can they sneak all this stuff in right in front of us like this?
  • GRwarrior - March 7, 2009 9:23 a.m.

    I did it! I formulated an escape plan with Kapp'n, Brewster and Kicks. We knocked out the evil Tom Nook and stole his PORSCHE !!!!! he had a Porsche! I was toiling to pay for my prison cell and he was rich! then we smashed it for revenge. We then got on the bus and drove through the trees for hours before finding actual living people! YOU HEAR THAT, IM ALIVE YOU STUPID ANIMALS!!!!!!!!!! A very sadistic game
  • GRwarrior - March 7, 2009 11:14 p.m.

    idea: make this an actual game, that would be so cool escaping from animal crossing
  • wiigamer024 - May 2, 2009 1:55 p.m.

    WOW! I, uh... never saw it... uh, that way... *slowly clicks back button on the computer*
  • roflcopter42 - May 28, 2009 3:48 a.m.

    jigglesbig, i just read that story for over an hour, and i can honestly say that i am creeped the fvck out!!!
  • Jigglesbig - November 25, 2008 8:28 p.m.

    http://fromearth.net/LetsPlay/Animal%20Crossing/index.html This site did it better. However, I never tire of the "Secrets of Animal Crossing" features a lot of sites do.
  • Oreue - November 25, 2008 11:15 p.m.

    I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at a pun.
  • evilsanta23 - November 26, 2008 2:23 a.m.

    gamesradar u sick sick people! lol the gyroid having the watr pissd into his mouth and the othr 1 leanin into the cherubs ass. lol great article
  • LeafRunner - November 26, 2008 2:55 a.m.

    It.....It's all so clear now..
  • smurfman - November 26, 2008 2:58 a.m.

    well mabye animal crossing can get weird at times but i play sometimes but i dont know how to make money
  • dahudge8 - November 26, 2008 3:56 a.m.

    Geez, this is really disturbing. I honestly never thought of Animal Crossing this way
  • oreomonkey - November 26, 2008 7:44 a.m.

    omg that story took me hours to read jigglesbig
  • sackboy97 - November 26, 2008 7:58 p.m.

    animal crossing sucks its for babys :D
  • tunerracer - November 27, 2008 12:52 a.m.

    lol nice one......though u forgot how tom nock had something to do wit that hair lady....I heard he rapes the chicks that don't pay and murders the guys that don't pay.......
  • nyef - November 27, 2008 4:20 a.m.

    i'll never look at animal crossing the same again :O
  • MitchBratt - November 28, 2008 1:27 p.m.

    HAHAHAhaahaha Awesome!!! Hidden Messages In Rated E Games XD Try To Find Some More ^^
  • Juriasu - November 28, 2008 9:14 p.m.

    I hate that greedy S.O.B. Tom Nook.
  • doopa5000 - November 29, 2008 4:51 p.m.

    ossing is awesome, whoever created this needs to stop sucking on thier frind's d*%( and stop being gay.

Showing 1-20 of 40 comments

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