An evening with Uwe Boll

Everyone hates Boll's movies but hardly anyone's seen them. We watched three in one night to find out if the venom is justified

Bloodrayne (2005)

Synopsis: Rayne (Kristianna Loken) is a medieval half-vampire who came into being when her mother was raped by king of the vamps Kagan (Ben Kingsley). After escaping from her cage in a circus freak show she goes on a vague quest to collect three parts of an ancient vampire’s body (eye, heart and rib) which will turn her into the ultimate vamp and allow her to walk in daylight. Kagan is also after the relics. A huge amount of gratuitous breast exposure and gore commences.

The Movie

The opening credits roll. We quickly spot Meat Loaf in the cast list, referenced with his real surname as ‘Meat Loaf Aday’. Cue instantaneous “A meatloaf a day keeps the doctor away” jokes from everyone.

The first thing we notice about Bloodrayne is that it has much higher production values than House Of The Dead. In fact we’re even prompted to comment that it looks like an actual movie rather than a student film. We’repretty impressed.

9:00: We get our first gory killing as Rayne escapes from the circus. She tears out three throats with her teeth and slashes a fat guy’s gut open with a large sword. Blood explodes everywhere and we find ourselves quite happy.

However, alarm bells soon start to ring as the action cuts to our human heroes on their way to find Rayne. The dialogue is sixth-form fantasy dreck, Michael Madsen’s long straggly wig makes him look less like a swash-buckler and more like a rough, crack-addled tranny without the make-up, and Michelle Rodriguez is, well, Michelle Rodriguez.

David: Hang on, what’s Rodriguez going to do in a period piece without any guns? Her only talents are firing guns and making facial expressions like she’s just eaten poo. Half of her repetoire's straight out of the window.

Ben: She’ll find a gun from somewhere. She always does.

17:30: Rayne wanders into a market town and quietly spots a few more of the undead walking the streets. The sets are detailed, the vamp make-up is good, and the sequence is quite subtly put together. But something’s wrong.

Ben: You know, it takes a remarkable amount of skill to have a lead actress this attractive, sets this good, a decent score, and still manage to evoke absolutely no atmosphere or sense of interest in your audience.

David: Yeah, it is a big load of well-made nothing isn’t it?

Rayne kills one vampire before being beckoned indoors by a random fortune teller who begins to liberally dish out the film’s plot like an NPC in a Zelda game. Rayne asks the clairvoyant why she’s telling her all of this. She replies “Because it’s my purpose”.

David: Yes, it’s your purpose as a one-dimensional plot device.

21:15: We aremercifully absolvedof our frustration at Bloodrayne’s well-made but uninvolving nature when Boll throws all aspirations of quality film-making out of the window and delivers us a montage comprising a full minute and ten seconds of people riding horses. It’s clearly an attempt to emulate The Two Towers, but after nineteen consecutive shots, most of us had forgotten our own names.

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