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9 things you won’t see in Gears of War 3

The Gears of War 3 beta was just unleashed, so of course the internet has generated approximately one-infinity words dissecting every element of this year’s most anticipated “chainsawing meaty ugly dudes in two and there are also guns” simulator. We’ve got videos and articles galore talking about everything that IS in the game, but what about the things that definitely aren’t in it? When to they get their moment in the sun? Right now.

1. Rainbows
Epic Games is doing its best to make Gears 3 different, but tinkering with it too much would be like entering a dragster in a tractor pull - it's simply not what they were built for and if you try it you risk the wrath of insulted fans. The idea of messing with a cash cow the size of Marcus Fenix (with significantly more terrifying udders) would drive even the most mild-mannered Microsoft accountant to a psychotic frenzy, which is why planet Sera will stay very gritty, very familiar, and very, very brown. If the devleopers really wanted to revolutionize the world of Sera, they don't need the Lambent or new weapons - all they need is add a bag of Skittles.  


Above: See these colors? Nobody on Sera ever has.

It seems the Seranian mutation that swells the human neck five times normal size causes those extra neck-muscles to bulge into the skull and pinch off the optic nerves. They can only see a small portion of the visible spectrum: 



The only time citizens see bright colors is when they vaporize something from space. The Locust are no better, though at least they have the excuse of actually living in an endless expanse of dark rock-colored hell. Both sides keep deploying superweapons like lightmass bombs and the Riftworm, but all either side would need is to deploy a team of Teletubbies with grenades. They’d be completely invisible to enemy forces.

 
Above: Can you guys hear something?


2.  A reason to care about the Locust/Lambent split
Gears of War 3 makes a big deal about the Lambent, an even bigger, badder and tougher breed of mutated baddies you encounter later in the game. But ultra-tough jock-tank Marcus Fenix will not be the first action hero in history pansy enough to be scared by that.

EVERY action game in history has featured bigger badder enemies the further you go – that’s what they do. Did the Doom marine turn tail and befriend an imp after he saw his first cyberdemon? Did Gordon Freeman start petting Headcrabs instead of clubbing them when the Combine showed up?


A real man caught between two enemies.

No, they just KILLED ALL OF THEM AS WELL. Which is what you’ll do. And if you think Epic is going to wuss out and try to make us sympathetic to the Locust somehow because it’s a three-way war now, forget about it. This isn’t Halo 3... we hope.


3. Coffee Tables
A little-known oddity of the history of Sera is how furniture makers simply couldn't sell coffee tables.  

No matter how wonderful the mahogany or how convenient the shelving, nobody wanted them. It seems that whenever Seranians needed a waist-height platform or barrier, no matter how ridiculous or outright stupid the situation, one just appears out of nowhere. Even out of the floor in enemy bases.

Maybe furniture designers should have been working in cracked, crumbling cement instead of wood. That might have worked.


4. Characters who would be out of place in a coming-of-age frat movie
From fist-bumps more powerful than the Holy Grail to tactical training consisting of "We'll run out there and kick their asses YEEAAAAH!", very few Gears would be out of place if cast as a star sports hero / self-aggrandizing douchebag. For example, Cole Train:


Above: "You can't stop the train, baby!" If someone you knew actually talked like this, you would hate him.

Then there are the supporting characters: Hoffman is the stiff administrator forced to admit the hero is cool, Carmine is the comic relief nerd/geek so inept he can’t function, and Anya Stroud and Samantha Byrne are the cheerleaders/babes/objects of desire. The only thing missing is the wacky foreign exchange student.


5. A superweapon that actually works
The Seranians are the only species in existence suffering from impotent super-weapons. Each time they fire off a world-ending apocalypse device, it’s less effective than an Antarctic camel trap. First comes the Hammer of Dawn, a massive orbital laser. It sounds good, the ability to scorch the planet’s very surface. But then we consider it’s being used against the Locust, whose single defining trait is "does not live above ground." So it’s basically like trying to throw a snowball through a steel door. 

So what about when you can get down into the tunnels? Nope, that’s no better. You spent the first game struggling to fire the Lightmass bomb, which turned out to be less effective than taking your armor off and throwing it at the Locust queen. In the second game, you destroyed your entire home city, dropping the entirety of Jacinto into the ground like a vast Acme weight – which was almost exactly what the bad guys were trying to do anyhow. At this point, we wouldn’t be shocked if Gears 3 included a mega-weapon that was somehow jammed until the exact moment Marcus looked down the barrel, at which point it would fire and leave his eyes blinking, Daffy Duck-like, from a soot covered face.

Next: water, robots and medical professionals...

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21 comments

  • layzerboy - May 16, 2011 12:27 a.m.

    Never liked gears story (not a single player kinda guy) And gears 2 multi was soo baddddd. Also i find the chunky "Hulk" art style kinda annoying, but if the multi actually works in 3 ill probably pick it up after the price goes down. :)
  • ChiChiRocket - May 8, 2011 2:15 p.m.

    Actually, if there was an option to pet Lamarr in Half-Life 2, I would be all over that.
  • md1292 - May 8, 2011 12:05 p.m.

    Very good article.
  • gfhkj - May 8, 2011 1:32 a.m.

    http://www.traderwear.com Fashion Female attire spring, personality Men's clothing + Shoes, Travel bag that grabs an eye coat + Chao packet Free transport
  • robertchen - May 7, 2011 10:27 p.m.

    If anyone still needs a Gears Of War 3 beta key, I found some being handed out on a blog. I don't know if any of the keys are left, but you can try here: http://freegearsofwar3beta.blogspot.com
  • Oliolioliooo - May 7, 2011 8:05 p.m.

    Rainbows make everything better!
  • Yeager1122 - May 7, 2011 1:30 a.m.

    No cofee tables i see no reason to play now.
  • FlyinHawaiian13 - May 6, 2011 2:38 p.m.

    Implying Cole wouldn't be my bro.
  • JMAN1156 - May 6, 2011 1:01 p.m.

    At least the water level can't be as bad as the buggey level with the crill from the first game!
  • philipshaw - May 6, 2011 11:49 a.m.

    Couldn't agree more with this list
  • Cruddi - May 6, 2011 11:07 a.m.

    Oh gears of war how i hate you so... when i completed the second one and played online to death i swore i would never play you again. Now like a mermaid i feel you dragging me towards the rocks of long nights in.
  • jmcgrotty - May 6, 2011 8:28 a.m.

    A 10th thing you won't see: Me playing it.
  • SpikroddNG - May 6, 2011 8:08 a.m.

    Can you please release a high-res image of the pic with the team and the rainbows and unicorns? I want to have the most awesome desktop in the universe.
  • quincytheodore - May 6, 2011 6:47 a.m.

    Maybe the jetpack Jack has can't lift more than 300 pounds of flesh and armor, it's a shame really since they took off the helmet from mandatory bullet protection armor just so it would fit. Also, can't you see the size and weight of the smallest firearm in Sera, even handgun needs arm that is the size of Jack. No way it can carry that. The invisibility cloak, they just spray it with pink paint. Not satisfied with your assigned arsenal, call Cave Johnson at Aperture Science. Safe, tested and only for $60. Call now before it's too late. TOO LATE.
  • CH3BURASHKA - May 6, 2011 5:16 a.m.

    THIS is how you do humor, internet. I came here expecting a boring-ass article, and got more than a few chuckles. O Gamesradar, only you can do what you do. Marcus Fenix's *visible* spectrum had me peeing myself. It's probably true. So did the ending of #5.
  • ObliqueZombie - May 6, 2011 3:04 a.m.

    Woo! Stoked for this game! And hell, I'd be surprised if it DIDN'T end. Being an avid Gears fan and reading the three books, looking at where they are now is kind of... well, compare it to eating shit everyday, and then starving because you can't poop anymore. Kinda crap either way. But man, if I could play as Jack, Insane mode would be nothin'.
  • Koouunn - May 6, 2011 2:34 a.m.

    they cant give guns to jack, taht would be the next rerminator then and kill all of the cog and locusts and usher in a new rein of robots and robot cats to rule to universe or maybe they just forgot : D
  • acehard - May 6, 2011 1:59 a.m.

    Antarctic camel traps are actually on the rise?
  • Sy87 - May 6, 2011 1:39 a.m.

    Hahaha thats good. But I never did see many diet stores or fast food for that reason. What about a freakin plane? All they got are helicopters. Sometimes it helps to just bomb the hell out of the enemy than rush them head on.
  • SoutheastSam - May 6, 2011 1:24 a.m.

    TMNT!

Showing 1-20 of 21 comments

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