8 game characters who will have sex with anything

Anything goes (all the way)

When it comes to romantic partners, some people are way too picky. It's fine to have standards, but if you refuse to get it on with anyone who's less than your idea of physical perfection, you should probably prepare yourself for many lonely nights. Instead, why not try to keep an open mind about what you define as 'attractive'? With so many more fish in the sea, you're bound to find the one who wants to share their life with you - or feels enough of a connection to enjoy a night of casual, no-strings-attached sex (should such a thing be possible).

It's definitely rare, but some video game characters are promiscuity personified, being attracted to anyone regardless of race, gender, or species, as the case may be. And guess what: when you're looking for love in anyone (or anything) you encounter, you're bound to get lucky a helluva lot more often! If your libido is through the roof but you just can't seem to score, take notes on the many erotic escapades of these indiscriminate lovers.

The Iron Bull (Dragon Age: Inquisition)

Following in the shag-anything shoes of Zevran from Dragon Age: Origins, Inquisition's Iron Bull is a man who's always DTF, no matter what. This swarthy Qunari beefcake gets in some pretty serious shit on the battlefield - so what better way to blow off all that steam than a night of raucous intercourse with whoever will have him? It's not that Iron Bull is horny 24/7 - besides the literal ones on his head, of course. He just knows that a lover's embrace can come in many, many different forms.

Regardless of your custom Inquisitor's gender or fantasy species, Iron Bull is happy to join you for a roll in the hay, provided you still want to after hearing his ridiculously brazen pick-up lines. Maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise that he's so sexually liberated, given the fact that he gets aroused by the mere thought of felling a dragon. And honestly, anyone who says they can't be charmed by Freddie Prinze Jr.'s deep, dulcet voice is a bold-faced liar.

Ditto (Pokemon)

In a series that heavily relies on the breeding habits of small animals, Ditto's broad-minded tastes are a godsend. This particular pocket monster will happily mate with whatever living creature you throw at it - with the exception of Legendaries, though I'm sure Ditto would gladly mount one if the game allowed it. It has to help that Ditto's an amorphous pink blob who can take any form, with all the necessary orifices and/or appendages required to get downright freaky.

Of course, trainers are never privy to the down-and-dirty parts of Pokemon husbandry, which would surely vault the series from kid-friendly to adults only in a heartbeat. But you have to imagine that with Ditto's shapeshifting abilities, even the kinkiest fantasy can be made real. The games have never explored the concept of Dittos taking human form and doing the nasty - so really, they haven't refuted the idea. If someone in the real world was crazy enough to try drinking the liquid that came out of a cow's udder, then you just know someone in the Pokemon universe took a chance on bedding their slimy pink pet.

Commander Shepard (Mass Effect)

You know that one priceless scene in Mass Effect 2, where Commander Shepard will gladly promote any and every shop on the Citadel as their "favorite store on the Citadel"? That kind of all-inclusive attitude also applies to Shepard's sexual preferences: any species goes. In the 22nd century, the idea of bigotry will be so far behind humanity that we'll gladly go to bed with any extraterrestrial lifeform who shares our interests.

Actually, there are a few limitations - Shepard will only take things to the next level with a crewmember, and it's the player who determines the degree of Shepard's xenophilia. But I'm willing to bet that if a monotone Elcor, jellyfish-like Hanar, or stocky Volus joined the Normandy's ranks, Shepard would be more than happy to get to know them, intimately. My guess is that the only reason Shepard hasn't diddled a four-testicled Krogan like Wrex for a full tour of the universe, as it were, is that the experience could quite possibly cause the commander to die a second time (and not in the French sense).

Trevor Phillips (Grand Theft Auto 5)

"Any hole's a goal." So reads the 'Relationship Status' section of Trevor's Lifeinvader page, GTA's parody of all those newfangled social medias. And, like everything else he does, Trevor has the depraved bite to back up his mad barking. This Canadian maniac will happily get his rocks off with whatever's in arm's reach, be it man, woman, or teddy bear. Yep - not even Floyd Hebert's stuffed friend Mr. Raspberry Jam is exempt from Trevor's limitless appetite for carnal debauchery.

That said, in a city as judgmental and artificial as Los Santos, Trevor's penchant for equal-opportunity banging is a refreshing bit of sincerity. I mean, I would fear for my life if Trevor took a liking to me, but I could appreciate the sentiment nonetheless. And despite his psychopathic tendencies, Trevor does have his moments of sensitivity - like how he lovingly spoons with poor Floyd after what must've been a very - ahem - rough night.

The Boss (Saints Row 4)

Traditionally, Shaundi has always been the most sexually active member of the Third Street Saints. But with Saints Row 4, The Boss (aka you, the player and President of the United States) now rules the promiscuity roost, thanks to the sheer diversity of their friends with benefits. Shaundi might sleep around, but she never had the world's first sentient AI go down on her, or put the moves on Keith David. The Keith David.

Sure, The Boss never actually gets to consummate a more-than-professional relationship with Mr. David, but that doesn't mean they didn't try. Saints Row 4 brilliantly lampoons the BioWare method of AAA dating sim: instead of working your way into a companion's heart bit by bit, fornicating with your fellow gang members is as easy as a single button press. Cue the sensual R&B music and a fade to black.

The Courier (Fallout: New Vegas)

In the grand finale of the Old World Blues DLC, New Vegas' protagonist the Courier comes face to jar with their own brain, which is now equipped with its own voice modulator to constantly belittle you with. Besides the hilarity of this scene, courtesy of some delightfully clever writing, it also postulates a revelatory concept: having sex with your own cerebellum. People pleasure themselves all the time - why not take that concept to a very literal level? The Courier's certainly game.

If you've got the perks that let you seduce your way through a conversation, you'll actually have the option to hit on your preserved, talkative gray matter. Of course, being the smarter of the two(?) of you, your brain doesn't take the come-on too well, its exact response being "I don't even have the words for how repugnantly wrong that is!" Maybe it has a point - how, exactly, would one have relations with a wet, wrinkly organ anyway? On second thought, don't answer that. And then there was that business with Fisto...

Elphelt Valentine (Guilty Gear: Xrd Sign)

Unlike the other free lovers on this list, Elphelt is more concerned with companionship than coitus. As in, she'll readily marry any person she encounters, even if they're actively trying to beat her to a pulp. And what's marriage without sex, anyway? Why don't you ask my ex-wife? HAH! Just kidding, I've never been married. What was I talking about, again? Ah right, Elphelt.

This rifle-wielding cutie, who is basically the anime version of Fluttershy with giant, shiny breasts, is looking to experience her first love with anyone who will join her in holy matrimony. If they're not smitten at first sight, she'll just have to make them fall for her - specifically by shooting them through the heart with a magical love bullet, as seen in her cinematic Instant Kills. And given the variety in Xrd Sign's roster, that means Elphelt would happily wed a deranged doctor, an ancient vampire, a demonic mutant, a comatose young boy in a mechanized bed, or her own sister. Hey, whatever works!

Howard 'Buckshot' Holmes (MadWorld)

I've saved the best for last - which, like any other statement ever made in human history, could easily serve as the launchpad for sexual innuendo from Howard 'Buckshot' Holmes. The dashing gent you see pictured above is actually Holmes' voice actor Greg Proops, who also commentated the far-less-violent podraces in Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace and did tons of improv on Whose Line Is It Anyway. You never get to see Holmes in-game, because he spends the entirety of MadWorld giving an off-screen play-by-play of the brutal beatings you dole out on the DeathWatch game show.

Alongside his co-host Kreese Kreeley (voiced by John DiMaggio, who also does Bender / Jake / everything ever), Holmes can take even the most savage, disgusting act of brutality and turn it into a funny quip about his sex life. Y'know that iconic bit where Jack uses a baseball bat to smash enemies into a giant, bloody dartboard? That makes Holmes think of the time he once tried "a double with a donkey and a dwarf." I'd tell you more - like the time Holmes made a Happy Onion or had an anal-probing birthday party - but it's best if you just listen to all his gloriously gross commentary for yourself.

Easy loving, easy living

Those are eight of the most indiscriminate, sexually active characters that gaming has ever known. There's also GTA 4's Eddie Low (pictured above), but he's just way too creepy to snag a spot on the list. Any other prolific paramours you can think of in gaming? Let me know in the comments below... for a friend, I mean.

And if you're looking for more lovey-dovey content, check out Just kiss already! Gaming couples that are meant to be and Top 7... ways games lie to you about love.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lucas likes his games like he likes his music: eclectic. With all the weird and wonderful stuff he's played over the years, the two of you are bound to feel the same way about something!
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