1. an amusement or pastime
2. fun; sport of any kind; joke
During their short history, videogames have grown from static screens of beeps and blips to artistic dreamscapes. Flashy graphics and memorable characters would be nothing without crafty design innovations like ragdoll physics and branching storylines that make games what they are today. But how many times have you reluctantly put down your controller for an endless cutscene or muted that racist dipshit over Xbox Live? Countless, if you’re like us.
For all the worthwhile game innovations thrust at us, we’ve had just as many awful ones that - after their initial praise - have ruined the gameplay of almost every game that followed. Game developers, take notice of your broken and boring ways. We know you can throw millions of dollars at a project - how about giving us that televised revolution?
Why developers thought it would rock:
Having conquered land and air, videogames took to the sea as a fresh and exciting landscape for item hunts and ambient soft-jazz soundtracks. If the original Super Mario Bros. perfected it in 1985, then every game should have an entire level devoted to exploring the abyss, right?
Why it sucks:
As amazing as that sounds, you’re also treated to sluggish movement as you inch towards your goal like a sperm without a tail. Using modified flight controls, game developers insist you struggle with analog sticks while praying you don’t swim off course. Screw up and you’re stuck endlessly circling about like a handicapped buzzard in a pool of molasses.
From Grand Theft Auto to Tomb Raider and even the brand-new Super Mario Galaxy, not one game in recent memory has perfected swimming or made it remotely fun, no matter how many times it’s given us a glimpse into Lara Croft’s birth canal.
It’s also given us the worst and most fearsome death animations we’ve ever seen. Forget severed heads or exploding faces; you’ll have to watch the face of your character coming to grips with their own mortality as they frantically clutch at their throats, their eyes rolling back after suffering a brain aneurism or cardiac arrest. Grim and disturbing.
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