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13 Worst gaming innovations of all time

Game

1. an amusement or pastime
2. fun; sport of any kind; joke

During their short history, videogames have grown from static screens of beeps and blips to artistic dreamscapes. Flashy graphics and memorable characters would be nothing without crafty design innovations like ragdoll physics and branching storylines that make games what they are today. But how many times have you reluctantly put down your controller for an endless cutscene or muted that racist dipshit over Xbox Live? Countless, if you’re like us.

For all the worthwhile game innovations thrust at us, we’ve had just as many awful ones that - after their initial praise - have ruined the gameplay of almost every game that followed. Game developers, take notice of your broken and boring ways. We know you can throw millions of dollars at a project - how about giving us that televised revolution?

Swimming

Why developers thought it would rock:
Having conquered land and air, videogames took to the sea as a fresh and exciting landscape for item hunts and ambient soft-jazz soundtracks. If the original Super Mario Bros. perfected it in 1985, then every game should have an entire level devoted to exploring the abyss, right?

Why it sucks:
As amazing as that sounds, you’re also treated to sluggish movement as you inch towards your goal like a sperm without a tail. Using modified flight controls, game developers insist you struggle with analog sticks while praying you don’t swim off course. Screw up and you’re stuck endlessly circling about like a handicapped buzzard in a pool of molasses.

From Grand Theft Auto to Tomb Raider and even the brand-new Super Mario Galaxy, not one game in recent memory has perfected swimming or made it remotely fun, no matter how many times it’s given us a glimpse into Lara Croft’s birth canal.

It’s also given us the worst and most fearsome death animations we’ve ever seen. Forget severed heads or exploding faces; you’ll have to watch the face of your character coming to grips with their own mortality as they frantically clutch at their throats, their eyes rolling back after suffering a brain aneurism or cardiac arrest. Grim and disturbing.

47 comments

  • skeletor-1999 - August 4, 2013 5:42 p.m.

    I actually do use the start and select button, on anything with cut scenes I use start to pause them if I need to do something or want a break and on games like dishonoured where the select button opens up your inventory I use select to open up my inventory.
  • ironrafael - July 16, 2011 6:16 p.m.

    Yes, swimming sucks. I'm looking at you, Fallout 3 and New Vegas.
  • ObsessionWithEdgeworth - February 24, 2010 7:51 p.m.

    I really hate 3D COMBINED with swimming, i mean, itrs actually sort of fun in mario, as in, the 2D mario games, but if its 3D, you waste breath while you are changing the camera, and ultimately die. most of the time. anyway, i dont hate, but its a bit annoying, when games have preset text time, where the text runs itself. what about the poor semi-blind and dyslexic gamers? do developers CARE that the poor kid on your street with broken glasses missed half the storyline? i dont care that the text goes with the opening of the guys mouth, or whatever, i want to KNOW what he said, not see him say it! ... but what i do like, is where you get badass characters that either have a soft side or are actually pretty funny. and example would be Detective Badd, in the 5th Ace Attorney game, who reaches inside his tattered coat for... a mirror, and has in his mouth a white stick... which is a lollipop. heh.
  • arcwulf - January 18, 2010 3:37 a.m.

    Don't forget ice worlds. Wonderful, wonderful ice worlds. Although not as prevalent as they used to be, every time I play a game and I get to a level with snow in it, I can expect to slide 3 feet for every one in the direction that I actually move in.
  • RoxasXXion - December 8, 2009 6:25 p.m.

    I hate leveling up in stuff like ff causeit takes for eva
  • foarthelulz - December 2, 2008 9:57 p.m.

    the things that i hate moe than 11 of the 13 of these combined are swimming and stealthing. i hate swimming because u run out of air really fast. i hate stealthing because its annoying it was almost the reason i stopped playing wind waker because i couln't get past the forsaken fortress
  • theschwartzb - November 12, 2008 2:27 a.m.

    Hey neofile, maybe if you post a resume along with the 'article' you wrote, GR will hire you to work for them. Your words here are very well thought out, and very well put together. You make some good points about how nonsensical certain aspects of game (loved the part about armor shards). What i hate most is certain bosses (such as Big Daddies, and more recently, Brumaks) that at the beginning were thought of as a challenging fight, but by the end, they were barely more than a gnat in your way that you could swat at your leisure. Escorts in WoW, are the worst escorts ever. The NPCs you are escorting almost never (almost being about 2% of the time) move faster than a slow crawl, and the fact that random monsters appear to kill your escortee piss me off more than dying and finding out your last checkpoint was 20 minutes ago. I especially hate the homing beacon escorts where you have to escort that stupid little chicken, who for some reason cannot fly until he does some "self-repairs" at the end of the mission, and flies off. Why can't the damn chicken just repair itself and fly off on it's own.
  • drewster23 - November 9, 2008 1:55 a.m.

    bullettime=slow motion in fall out 3 they probably said semi-fuck that :) you can use a watch to stop time and shoot at what ever body part you like :D but you only have so many shots in vats.. cuz well the watch has AP...exactly... and after u accept your shooting it goes in slow motiton tho .. which u still get hit in. You crippled a guys head...he will just laugh at you.. cuz it more than not does nothing.. you cripple a guy/mutant's arm (he had a 2h weapon)he will drop it then pick it right up ... just like he didnt get shot in teh arm over 5 times. :D
  • Ravenbom - November 8, 2008 4:11 p.m.

    Yeah, escort missions are the worst. It's really the poor AI IMHO. Because in real life, if you were trying to ambush a convoy or pirate the convoy or even assassinate the person you're escorting, you'd either plant a bomb to assassinate the person or snipe that person, both of which you can't defend against. SO, what do developers do? They send in wave after mindless wave of enemies that ignore you entirely, even while you're cutting them to pieces. In real life, you'd probably want to target the security first, then capture the target. It'd also be nice to have decent AI for the escortee... But hey, they're busy filling games with bloom lighting, undersaturated color schemes, brown lens filter and making realistically reflecting water. (or doing the complete opposite and making cell shaded games. I mean, come on, it's either cell shaded or brown/bloom games anymore) Who has time for AI with commonsense?
  • key0blade - November 7, 2008 9:44 p.m.

    I like stealth games, even though, like Xplosive59, MGS4's Act 3 was kinda boring.
  • adrenaguy - November 7, 2008 6:34 p.m.

    teapotking i know what you mean! and it's when the AI are able to do whatr you can't do when they are intelligent, like they know where you can go and you can't, you don't know that so you hide in a corner and suddenly find them bearing down and unl;oading an entire clip of bullets into your face because they know of a conveniently placed glitch that allows them to do that >:( and escort missions! don't get even started on those, I think we should slap the person who came up with that shiyat!
  • Xplosive59 - November 7, 2008 5:20 p.m.

    im a huge mgs fan i (direct your antention to my avatar/picture) but act 3 (europe) in mgs4 was so boring and almost fell asleep while following the guy thanks to the annoying wistle on loop... and i agree escort missions suck
  • gaia - September 14, 2008 6:49 p.m.

    escort missions stink, al least when youre defending a building or something it can take more than one hit and doesnt run right at every enemy you see
  • FancyRat - September 13, 2008 7:41 p.m.

    Agreed with these escort missions. Who the fuck thought those up?
  • Darkdraak21 - September 13, 2008 5:52 p.m.

    Yes escorts suck i play WoW and about most escort missions the retarde npc gets killed or moves at a snail pace.
  • pelos_locos - September 13, 2008 6:25 a.m.

    You forgot escort missions (I'm looking at you Bioshock and RE4!). Next to stealth games, escort missions really piss me off.
  • Nintendophile - September 12, 2008 1:17 p.m.

    I definitely agree with the swimming part. Though they add "variety" to games, it's usually an unwelcome variation.
  • Till - November 10, 2008 8:47 a.m.

    I agree with this topic and with pelos_locos about escort missions.
  • adwerdna - November 9, 2008 5:51 p.m.

    hey i like stealth games as long as it's not ALL stealth. While as action games with little bits of stealth are gay, stealth games with little bits of action are cool. Take Hitman, for example.
  • jimsondanet - November 9, 2008 9 a.m.

    i think swimming can be fun like in farcry2(sometimes) when your gettin nailed or doin the sneaky sneaky just go for a swim stealth some dudes out its fun and no, i thought the interactive boss cutscenes in god of war were awesome especialy after gettin your ass kicked by a camp looking statue but yea i enjoyed reading this article lets hope for a sequal

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