101 things we've learned from videogames

The wisdom of our favorite pastime, applied to real life

20. You can jump twice your own height, but water will kill you instantly.

21. Wrexham can win the Champions League if you have about 483 full days to spare, 80% of which are spent waiting for CM04 to load (non-UK folk may not get this one).

22. Jumping on turtles’ heads is socially acceptable. Unless it’s being used as a euphemism for needing the toilet.

23. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t gain experience and knowledge by education and hard work. You get it from wandering around the countryside killing wildlife.

24. Princesses float farther than plumbers.

25. Despite what logic dictates, the ideal shape for a war robot is not squat, armored, with a low centre of gravity, but a bipedal humanoid. Ideally with hands to hold a gun, rather than built in weaponry.

26. Large men are slow but strong; women are fast but weak.

27. When you look down, you can’t see your feet.

28. Explosives don’t work on doors unless they’re a bit shinier than the other doors.

29. If working on high scaffolding, beware of gorillas throwing barrels off the top floor.

30. No girls.

31. Always be sure to smash any crates you come across, they will always contain good things.

32. Despite the fact that modern weapons systems are effective over hundreds of miles, in the future all space/air/sea combat will be conducted within about 50 yards of the enemy.

33. Contrary to the strict regulations you might think pilots have to adhere to, you can actually fly any aircraft upside down beneath the Golden Gate Bridge without getting in trouble.

34. War is the best fun ever.

35. It doesn’t matter where you shoot someone, even if it’s in the foot, as long as you do it enough times there will eventually be an immediate transition between alive and dead.

36. There is no practical difference between walking into a weapon and picking it up.

37. In medieval times, women regularly fought in wars, wearing armor that afforded them equal protection to suits of plate mail worn by men, despite only covering about 3 inches of skin.

38. Most martial arts will teach you how to throw fireballs at about green belt level.

39. Roman and medieval generals had a zoomable and rotatable 3D view of the battlefield, and controlled their soldiers by clicking giant arrows.

40. Everyone speaks English, including Nazis, aliens and the living dead.

41. When your life ends you will be given 10 seconds to decide whether you fancy going again (in some circumstances this may cost you some change).


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