I woohoo-ed with all the ghosts in The Sims 4 Paranormal Stuff Pack

"There is something mildly disturbing about this whole situation", reads the emotion indicator in the bottom left hand corner of The Sims 4 screen. The game isn't wrong - a Sims version of myself is currently flirting with the infamous Bonehilda, a skeleton maid who has made her triumphant return in The Sims 4 Paranormal Stuff Pack. Despite the negative effect Bonehilda's presence has on my emotional state, I'm doggedly pursuing her, which is not unlike what I did with problematic men in my youth.

But I'm not just trying to woo-hoo with Bonehilda - I'm also consistently hitting on another character introduced with the Paranormal Stuff Pack: Guidry, the southern charmer who died by a tragic Murphy bed accident. Sure, I'm performing séances in my Brooklyn brownstone and working as a freelance Paranormal Investigator, but my main goal is to see if I can get one of these ghosts to agree to tie the knot. How very Lydia Deetz of me.

The Paranormal Stuff Pack is one of the best packs ever released for The Sims 4, and it's not just because I finally got a chance to bone Bonehilda. There's a demonstrable difference in gameplay offered with this pack along with a bevy of new objects that give off a distinctly haunted New Orleans vibe (where was this when I was building my Halloween vampire house). But the best part of The Sims 4 Paranormal Stuff Pack is the chance it gives you to create absurd drama, and I relish the opportunity to create The Undead Bachelor. 

Setting the mood 

You can't have a paranormal love triangle without the proper setting, and this Stuff Pack has some of the best build items yet. Not only do all the swatches match perfectly with each other (a rarity in The Sims 4), but they all exude big New Orleans Palm Reader energy. There are beaded curtains, richly colorful sofas, crystal balls, and - of course - a séance table.

There's a distinct '70s vibe to the clothing and hair options, with billowy peasant shirts, suede vests, and a fantastic mullet. As far as the pack's overall vibe, think '70s paranormal investigator in the deep south - it's so specific and narrow in scope that it just works. If you stalk fashion and interior decorating blogs like I do, you'll recognize that this is actually a super trendy Stuff Pack that reflects contemporary fashions - and that's cool.

I decide to use all of the build items the pack has to offer in the upstairs loft of a Brooklyn brownstone-inspired build. There are lush plants, a beautiful art deco side table, an armchair that is definitely at your grandma's house, and a portrait of my darling Guidry, which I made sure to place over the fireplace. I create the perfect place to whip up some seriously spooky drama, and immediately get to work trying to have sex with ghosts. Move over, Demi Moore, I'm not interested in pottery.

Nice guy Guidry 

After living on the haunted lot for a day or two in Sims time, a pop-up notification appears from Guidry, who introduces himself and offers his support during "this whole haunted house predicament". Guidry is a good spirit, or as the living might call him, a nice guy, and it swiftly becomes apparent that he would be the kind of boyfriend who would sit through 12 seasons of The Real Housewives of New York City and not complain once.

Whenever Guidry arrives - which is usually when Sims Alyssa is asleep - he hovers over the bed for an uncomfortably long amount of time before going about the house tidying up. I can ignore the creepy sleep staring if it means the strange Ghostbusters-esque slime that appears by my tub is promptly scrubbed, thank you. Guidry regularly cleans my entire Sims house, collecting stray plates, running the dishwasher, and emptying the garbage with nary a complaint. Naturally, Sim Alyssa has two cats, and Guidry loves to spend time with them, often sitting on a stool in my bathroom and chatting nonsense with Hellboy. 

Since Guidry is made of such exquisite boyfriend material, and often appears with a pink glow denoting he's in a flirtatious mood, wining and dining the spectral sweetheart is fairly easy. All it takes is a few short sessions of aggressive flirtation and Guidry and I are woo-hooing in bed, shortly after which I ask him to be my boyfriend. But I am a messy bitch who loves drama, and when multiple days of woohoo-ing with Guidry doesn't lead to a proposal, I decide to play the undead field for a bit.

Bad bitch Bonehilda 

Enter Bonehilda, to whom Guidry is diametrically opposed. Not only do I have to summon Bonehilda, which implies the skeletal maid loves to play hard to get, but whenever I do summon her she brings along a special brand of chaos. Where Guidry cleans up messes I've left behind, Bonehilda leaves messes in her wake. She appears, smoking black martini glass in hand, and immediately begins stirring the proverbial pot - she's exactly my type of woman.

I need to make this human chassis mine, but first I have to take care of some pesky corporeal bodily functions. As I'm "taking a terrified poo" (despite my proclivity as a paranormal investigator, my Sim still gets spooked by the goings-on in the haunted house), I keep an eye on Bonehilda. Lo and behold, I catch her conjuring a plate of grilled cheese out of midair just to leave it on the end table in my bedroom. A puddle appears at her feet (unsure how, as she doesn't have a bladder) just before she walks downstairs to stand in front of my entryway mirror and chat excitedly to her reflection. The woman is clearly unhinged, but I ignore the red flags and carry on wooing her.

I don't have to do much, however, as Bonehilda asks me out on a date faster than I can say "sul-sul". You've gotta respect a woman who knows what she wants, and it's clear Bonehilda wants me, so I put on my best formal outfit and head to meet her at The Roadstead retail store in Magnolia Promenade. I arrive clad in a sexy leather dress, Bonehilda by my side in all her black-and-white glory - and get stood up just as I cross the retail store's threshold. Yup, as soon as I step foot in the store, Bonehilda turns on her heel bone and hoofs it out of there, leaving me to pretend that I'm actually interested in the activewear section. 

I head home, my head hanging in embarrassment, and immediately conjure her again. This time, I ask her out on a date, because I have no shame. She agrees, and we head to The Shrieking Llama in Windenburg. This time I'm sporting a more toned-down look, and head inside to order us both a drink. Bonehilda leaves as the bartender hands my drink over. Clearly, this is a woman who wants to be chased.

And chase her I do, repeatedly conjuring her until I can get our romance meter full enough so we can bone. After we woohoo, Bonehilda sleeps in my bed for hours and then just disappears. She quite literally ghosted me. The next day, I try and flirt with her in front of Guidry, but I can't stand watching the negative hearts appear next to his head, so I abandon bad bitch Bonehilda and decide to stay with my boyfriend Guidry (who gives me his favorite jacket a few days later).

Despite Guidry and I dating for several weeks in Sims time, I haven't been able to ask the man to be my husband, and he hasn't gotten down on one translucent knee either. These ghosts ain't loyal.