Michael Bay decides to make a small, personal movie
Why It Won’t Happen: Hello world, we’d like you to meet somebody by the name of Michael Bay, aka Master Of Earth-Shaking Movie Explosions. A cheetah never changes its spots, and Michael Bay is a ‘splosion-loving movie version of that springy feline.
What If It Does? Bay decides to clear up rumours that he was born after a comet ploughed into Earth’s atmosphere, and writes his own history on screen, detailing his high school traumas and dreams of attending Wesleyan Uni.
Then decides it’s really boring without anything blowing up, so goes the ‘inspired by a true story’ route, casting himself as a new age vigilante. With guns. And explosions. And flags. That are on fire.
Scott Pilgrim wins big at the Razzies
Why It Won’t Happen: Pilgrim may not have suited all tastes (easy there, granddad), but it was by far one of the most inventive, energetic and just freaking cool movies of 2010. And stuff. Killer soundtrack, too.
What If It Does? Michael Cera goes up to collect the award for Worst Actor, delivers a suitably dry speech about how much it means to him to finally have received this kind of recognition. Cites a few other movies he’s got coming out that would also be deserving of the award next year.
Edgar Wright sends Simon Pegg to accept the Worst Director award for him. Pegg, dressed as Wright, humbly receives the award, doing an uncanny impression of his filmmaking pal. Then promises a sequel is on the way.
Angelina Jolie gives up charity work to concentrate on finding a new husband
Why It Won’t Happen: Have you SEEN Brad Pitt? Any woman with the ability to breathe (not to mention a fair handful of men) would give their left arm to wed that god in manflesh. And Jolie’s got him hooked, as far as we can tell.
What If It Does? Pitt takes the kids to Disneyland in a fit of rebellion, exposing the little ‘uns to the horrors of mainstream marketing and Disney values. He then begins to unpick their morality code by making them dress in Dior suits and kicking dirt in the faces of street urchins. A playdate with Willow Smith ensures they all become certified Hollywood brats in a single day.
Meanwhile, Jolie sips cosmos with Sarah Jessica Parker and huffs about how she’s worried the menopause might kick in soon and destroy her aura of sexy aloofness. Kim Cattrall smacks her over the head with a Gucci bag. Jolie goes running back to Pitt.
Tim Burton announces hell never work with Johnny Depp again
Why It Won’t Happen: Burton and Depp are like Burton and Taylor. They may stray and find ‘work’ with other people, but they always end up back together. Just look at that impressive nearly-seven movie run they’ve got going.
What If It Does? Helena Bonham Carter moves out of Burton Palace after hubbie’s night-long sobbing and manic Muriel-painting gets out of hand. Recommends the director seeks help from a bereavement councillor.
Then changes her mind when Burton’s mad grief reaps the best film he’s made since Edward Scissorhands.
Terry Gilliam finally makes Don Quixote
Why It Won’t Happen: Film versions of Don Quixote’s life have always been cursed. Orson Welles tried between ’55 and ’69 and failed. Gilliam tried in the early Noughties and failed, while recent attempts to get the project off the ground have again been beset with yet more problems.
What If It Does? It’d inspire hope in the hearts of all filmmakers whose passion projects have been beleaguered by tortured productions. Not only that, but you can pretty much count on Gilliam getting an Oscar nom – if only for finally finishing the ruddy thing.
Unless it turns out to be crap. Which it won’t.
Hollywood denounces 3D as shit, embraces 4D
Why It Won’t Happen: Hollywood’s making a bucket-load out of it! Though some have condemned 3D as a gimmick, there are members of the movie-going public who have embraced the craze and don’t mind paying double to sit wearing stupid glasses in the cinema. We’re sure 4D is next, though.
What If It Does? The success of Shrek 4D and numerous other theme park rides convinces James Cameron that he’s been chasing the wrong cash cow. Leaving the 3D stuff to his army of drones, he experiments with new chemical technology that is a modern version of scratch n’ sniff.
Meanwhile, all cinema staff are trained to lob various substances at the audience during movies. Causes controversy during a re-release of Back To The Future when Biff and friends get covered in manure.
Tarantino directs a CG kids adventure
Why It Won’t Happen: Tarantino is an adult. He makes adult movies for adults. (And the teens who illegally download his movies because they’ve heard they’re “well cool".) Trying to get Tarantino to make kids movies would be like trying to get Judi Dench to play a stripper in her next film.
What If It Does? Not quite as out there as you might imagine, considering Tarantino’s Grindhouse buddy Robert Rodriguez has helmed three (and is planning a fourth) Spy Kids films.
Still, if Tarantino decided to make a kid’s film, it would end up as something like Watership Down . Gut-wrenching and tear-inducing, with lots of death and mayhem. Actually, we want this one to happen…
Kenneth Branaghs Thor is pants
Why It Won’t Happen: Talk about a weird marriage made in movie heaven. Thor ’s Shakespearian domestic dynasty is every bit as messed up as anything in Henry V , meaning Branagh’s perfect for the material. Even if that eye patch on Hopkins is all kinds of silly.
What If It Does? We’ll all weep at what could have been. Considering Thor ’s intimately tied in to Joss Whedon’s The Avengers – along with Captain America – it would be a travesty for Thor to fall flat.
Not only is The Avengers at stake, but also Iron Man 3 , with Robert Downey Jr. only suiting up again once Avengers has been put to bed. There’s a lot riding on this. It just can’t suck.
Daniel Radcliffe announces hes going to make Harry Potter 8
Why It Won’t Happen: Well, J. K. Rowling’s not written an eighth book for a start. Though she’s teased that there might be another HP novel in her somewhere down the line, we can’t imagine she’ll stretch the series out any further than she already has.
What If It Does? Mass uproar, or mass rejoicing? We can’t quite decide. The purists would damn the HP8 as a cynical money-grabber masterminded by Warner Bros, who have already made a sizeable fortune off the back of the book series.
The HP lovers, though, would be more than happy for the adventure to continue. Though we’re not sure we fancy Radcliffe and co getting a CG age-up for an entire movie. Especially on the back of Clu 2.
George Lucas admits that his Star Wars prequels were really pap
Why It Won’t Happen: Because he doesn’t need to – we all know it anyway. Plus, talk about shitting where you eat. Unless Lucas really is as delusional as all that, and genuinely thinks his prequels are of the same standard as his original trilogy.
What If It Does? Hundreds (nay, thousands… wait, millions?) of Star Wars fans the world over sit back with a smug, self-satisfied smile on their faces.
Suddenly, an entire new meme is born, as clever internet kiddies make it look like George Lucas is really apologising for every bad movie ever made. Yes, including Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.
David Lynch makes a mainstream hit
Why It Won’t Happen: Lynch just can’t do it. Even his attempts at a TV series – one of the most mainstream forms of entertainment there is – with Twin Peaks resulted in some seriously odd stuff (dwarf, giant, red room) that ended up alienating its audience.
What If It Does? That said… Lynch has just release some incredibly awesome, mainstream-appealing singles – part electro-pop, part dancefloor track.
If the master of the weird can tame his tangled brainwaves enough to produce something as sonically rich, engaging and accessible as that, he should be able to do the same for movies, right?
Harrison Ford elects to kill off Indy once and for all
Why It Won’t Happen: Ford himself has poo-pooed rumours that he’s planning on getting rid of the heroic snake-hater. So don’t count on an Indy 5 – if it ever happens – putting the crusader out to pasture.
What If It Does? After the disastrously received Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, Harrison Ford calls Steven Spielberg and tells him it’s time the old fella finally got the chop. In heroic style, of course.
Teaming up with Mutt once more, Indy flies off to investigate the Bermuda Triangle, and winds up dragged into a pit of snakes with his young comrade. Both are fatally bitten, and die a tragic death. But not before Short Round appears and swears vengeance on his old friend. Oh, the horror…
Toy Story 3 wins Best Picture Oscar
Why It Won’t Happen: We love Toy Story 3 . You love Toy Story 3. Which means the Academy will probably treat it with the kind of disrespect that’ll have you seeing the kind of red that Hellboy usually sports. Trust us, we know this.
What If It Does? Rejoice and party and a nice big ‘Best Picture Academy Award Winner’ tag on all DVD re-releases henceforth.
The fall-out, though, comes when the Academy bribe Pixar into making a Toy Story 4 . Their grandkids want the Bonnie saga to commence, see, and John Lasseter’s company looks set for ruin if the Academy and its grandkids don’t get what they want. Aaaand another perfect trilogy bites the dust.
Ridley Scott uses real ETs in his Alien prequel
Why It Won’t Happen: Well, we’ve not confirmed that there’s life out in the galaxy yet, which is a bit of a blip. Also, we have no idea if extra-terrestrials have any desire to become xenomorph-hacking thespians, even if we did manage to make first contact.
What If It Does? Scott and his crew become the subjects of a movie within a movie when, while filming, their cuddly little ET thesp reveals he’s not really all that cuddly. Picking off cast members while shooting on the creepy LV-426 set, one clever cameraman decides to keep shooting as evidence of what’s happened.
Another clever crewmember has Sigourney Weaver’s number on speed dial. Can she save the day?
Sharon Stone decides to make Basic Instinct 3
Why It Won’t Happen: No matter how much well-preserved flesh Sharon Stone decided to flash, her belated sequel to the sexy Paul Verhoeven romp with Michael Douglas only managed to scrape $5m out of old pervy purses when it was released in ‘06. Here endeth the franchise.
What If It Does? Basic Instinct: IN SPACE ! Stone thinks it’s time to update the concept, and has book writer Catherine Tramell head to NASA in order to research her latest story. After a saucy, after-hour, spaceship clinch with one of the astronauts, the pair accidentally, uh, blast off. Into space.
But this ain’t no Space Camp . Trapped where no one can hear her scream (with pleasure), Tramell really goes nuts, chasing her companion around the space ship demanding sex. Lots. And lots. Of sex. He survives by harpooning her and ejecting her into space.
Russell Brand signs a contract stating he has to star in every movie made from now on
Why It Won’t Happen: It’s impossible, for a start. Do you know how many movies are made every year? All over the world? Simultaneously? In a variety of different languages? Thankfully, this just could never happen – it’s a logistical nightmare.
What If It Does? Or is it? They cloned Dolly the sheep – why not Brand the nutter? When scientists discover a safe way to replicate a grown man multiple times, Brand’s in luck – he signed up to be the first man to try it out 10 years ago.
Having successfully cloned himself, Brand continues his Hollywood invasion by snatching various roles big and small in every film currently in production. He turns up as a Harpy in Wrath Of The Titans , as Catwoman in Dark Knight Rises and, most impressively, as Toby Maguire’s chin in The Details .
Uwe Boll makes a good movie
Why It Won’t Happen: It just won’t. It’s no possible in the fabric of our universe. From Alone In The Dark , to BloodRayne and In The Name Of The King , Boll is his own one-man crap factory.
What If It Does? Proving the fickle nature of the movie world, Boll’s black and white arthouse pic about Jack the Ripper – with some surprisingly salient ideas about the identity of the killer – goes all the way to Oscar glory, where he wins Best Picture and Best Director.
But Boll's sudden, explosive success causes a rift in the time-space continuum that plunges the universe into utter chaos. Suddenly cows can fly. As well as other very scary stuff. And the countdown to the apocalypse begins...
Talking in the cinema becomes illegal
Why It Won’t Happen: There’s that little thing called the Human Rights Act, which we imagine would be seriously breached by any kind of law passed against people talking while a film rolls at the cinema.
What If It Does? A nationwide cinema witchhunt commences. Movie-loving sneaks dob in those who had been unduly chatty during films, while trapdoors are fitted under every seat in the cinema, meaning that any unsavouries can be quickly dumped from the screening with zero fuss.
Also, the cinema becomes a peaceful place where everybody can enjoy the movie without fear of some idiot either a) giving a running commentary of what’s on screen, or b) yelling out his own personal opinions and ruining the entire thing. Bliss.
Lindsay Lohan makes a comeback
Why It Won’t Happen: Poor old LiLo is doing herself no favours. And while we don’t particularly want to get into the debate for or against any of her bizarre, attention-seeking antics, it’s fair to say that her continued downward spiral and tangles with the law will prevent her from making any movies for a while to come.
What If It Does? After doctor’s discover that LiLo’s had a thorn stuck in her foot for the past five years, they remove it. Suddenly, Lindsay's personality reverts back to the sweet, talented little thing that we all fell for in Mean Girls.
With a fresh perspective on life, she sets about carrying out acts of goodwill that convince the courts she’s turned over a whole new leaf. By November 2011, she’s signed up to star in Martin Scorsese’s new movie, and is working to help other young women who've suffered with the same affliction.
Guillermo Del Toro returns to The Hobbit
Why It Won’t Happen: Del Toro’s got enough on his plate as it is without deciding to do an about turn back to Middle Earth after the film’s gotten a greenlight. Also, Peter Jackson seems pretty excited to be taking on the project himself – we can’t imagine Del Toro would dump on that.
What If It Does? When Jackson does his back in trying to get through a hobbit hole during pre-production, he’s laid up for what looks like the rest of the year. With MGM unwilling to put the project on hold, Jackson calls his old mate Guill and asks if he’d do him a wee favour. Alright, a massive favour.
Remembering his passion for the project, Del Toro agrees to step up and direct The Hobbit. We’re all happy bunnies. And the two-parter becomes record-settingly awesome.
