The coat of a 1000 pockets...

Lock-on

With so much going on around us, not to mention that awful creeping sense of disillusionment with our lives, it can be hard to focus on anything - let alone pick out what does and doesn't deserve our attention.

So hail the lock-on. Instead of having to actually pay attention and carefully work out what to look at/gawp over/notice, this innovation does all the work for you. A tap of your ear, or a wiggle of the nose, and your eyes are drawn inexorably to a new point of interest, helpfully flagged up by a giant revolving targeting reticule.

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Important announcements, bailiff's notices, pert bottoms belonging to the opposite sex, oncoming trains... all would be ever more recognisable. And don't forget about pesky insects. Mosquito giving you hell? Grasp that rolled-up newspaper, lock-on to the buzzing bug and swat it dead with pin-point accuracy. The next step - an upgradeable retina-mounted HUD.

Camera control

While being able to actually see yourself if this or that pair of trousers, skirt or cardboard box made your bum look big would be helpful (don't say you've never considered it, readers), that wouldn't be the only useful part of having total control over your own life-camera. You could peer round corners, watch over your shoulder without turning around or spy on people without giving yourself away by gawping crudely in their direction.

Then there's the sense of drama. Every action takes on a new and powerful gravitas when viewed from slightly above and behind you, from accepting awards to... well, use your imagination. It'd be like being in a film, about you, starring you, and featuring your life. And if that doesn't appeal to the rabid narcissist in us all, then we'll eat this third-person perspective camera we've pre-emptively rigged up on our shoulders.