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Above: Actual movie still
And that the only people brave enough to stand up to them would look like this:
Above: This is how 1994 imagined street punks would dress two years ago
And also like this:
Above: Psh. Nice wrist-socks, guys
Does that bad guy in the middle panel look at all familiar? It’s Robert “T-1000” Patrick, who looks damn near unrecognizable as “shadow boss” Kogo Shuko, and probably would like to stay that way.
Above: “F*** you for reminding people this exists, GamesRadar”
Finally, the movie predicted that by 2007, everyone’s trash-burning cars would have built-in police computers that could identify the person standing next to your car and menacing you. This is how we’re introduced to Bo Abobo (Nils Allen Stewart), a tragic figure who is always played for laughs.
Above: Cool, now you know trivia nobody else cares about
While he starts out as a tough-but-stupid gang leader, Abobo is soon made a test subject in Shuko’s labs and given grotesquely huge muscles (but no new clothes to fit them).
Late in the film, he sees himself in the mirror – apparently for the first time – and has a bit of a moment:
Above: Bawwwwwwww
If you’ve ever wanted to see a really bad latex creature cry about its own ugliness in a dingy restroom, well, now’s your chance:
When it comes to Uwe Boll’s Postal, there are generally two prevailing schools of thought. One holds that everything in the film is funny except for the scene where all the kids get shot, and the other maintains that the only funny thing in the film is the scene where all the kids get shot. We’re part of that latter school.
Above: Look, it’s funny in context. Just trust us for now, all right?
The scene begins in Little Germany, a shitty theme park owned by Uwe Boll (playing himself). As the park unveils an exclusive shipment of must-have dolls, Postal creator Vince Desi unmasks himself and rushes Boll for making a shitty movie out of it.
This leads to what may be one of the best images ever committed to film:
Above: YES DESTROY HIM THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE
Also, Chris Coppola is there.
Above: Apparently he insisted on wearing his street clothes for this scene
Just then, Desi pulls a gun, and as nominal hero Postal Dude tries to wrestle it away from him, it goes off…
… killing this guy…
… which enrages these cops…
… and gives Boll an excuse to start shooting…
… which then draws fire from these terrorists, who were there to steal the dolls:
Now, see, what’s funny about what comes next is that all these armed guys are shooting directly at each other, and the only people they manage to kill are the only people they weren’t aiming at. Which is to say all the kids in the theme park.
Above: We like to think that the french-fry statue is the real culprit here
Oh, and Boll gets shot, too. In the balls.
Above: See, we told you it was funny
Still don’t see the humor in it? Maybe you should watch it for yourself, then:
Again, this is one we’ve hammered on before, when we unilaterally declared it the worst thing Uwe Boll ever filmed. But as time has worn on, we’ve come to realize that – while it’s far from the best thing he’s ever filmed – it’s easily the most memorable. And there’s no Chris Coppola anywhere!
Above: Nope, not here
So, yeah, the House of the Dead movie – if you didn’t already know – is about a bunch of kids who go to an island near Vancouver for a rave sponsored by Sega.
Above: Actually it’s a pretty tiny rave
All of them are then devoured by zombies, except for a core group of survivors who, after spending the movie cowering in fear, suddenly develop expert firearms proficiency and dive headlong into a series of stupid, Matrix-wannabe combat stunts. Because, you know, that’s what fans expect to see from a zombie movie.
It’s insipid, horrible and irredeemably hokey. What’s worse, it’s long, and it’s only made longer by a sequence in which one of the characters, after watching another character get mauled by zombies, has a fast-forward flashback of the entire scene we just watched.
Above: DID NOT NEED TO SEE AGAIN THANK YOU
Oh, and sequences from the House of the Dead games are liberally spliced in, possibly to add “context” and be “total bullshit.”
Above: Actual movie still
We’re tired of talking about this thing now. Just watch it already, provided you’ve got seven minutes and nothing better to do:
Really, you didn’t even need to sit through Resident Evil to know about this one – it was burned into everyone’s mind the second it showed up in the trailers. The idea of someone in the Resident Evil universe delivering a flying kick to a zombie dog’s face is so ridiculous (or at least it was, prior to RE4) that it instantly became the image most readily associated with the movie.
But first, a bit of context: the Resident Evil movie centers around Alice (Milla Jovovich) who’s trying to escape the underground Umbrella lab from the first game along with some friends, several of whom wind up like this:
Above: Ewwwwww
Later, alone, Alice meets several of these handsome chaps:
After emptying her gun into the faces of the zombie dog pack, she runs out of ammo and discovers that there’s one dog left standing. Not knowing what else to do, her T-virus-enhanced superpowers take hold and she does the only thing that makes sense: she kicks the dog in the head, which sends it flying through a window.
Above: BAM
You can see it in action below:
When you can’t get Christopher Lambert to come back for the sequel to your relatively successful videogame movie, that’s a clear sign that something’s very, very wrong. But the producers of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation soldiered on anyway, creating a cheap-looking Z-movie that enraged fans and was simply ignored by everyone else.
Above: Seriously, they got James Remar instead
However, once we’d put aside our fan-rage (only took us about 10 years), we began to appreciate Annihilation for the camp masterpiece it is. Everything in this movie is either unintentionally silly, over-the-top stupid or completely unnecessary, from the way Sub-Zero makes his grand entrance…
Above: I CAN FLY PEW PEW
… to everyone’s preferred method of navigating short distances…
Above: Why walk when you can somersault?
… to the way Shao Kahn looks:
Above: “DADDY I CONQUERED A EARTH!”
Easily the dumbest scene, however, comes near the end, when Shao Kahn (Brian Thompson) is beating Liu Kang (Robin Shou) like a little schoolgirl.
Suddenly, Liu Kang’s course of action becomes clear: HE HAS TO TURN INTO A REALLY SHITTY CG EFFECT.
Above: Oooooooooooooooookay
There’s only one really appropriate response to this, but Shao Kahn apparently came prepared:
Above: OH IT’S ON NOW
Cue a really dark, boring battle between two awful CG automatons, which ends at the exact moment the movie’s special-effects budget does.
Above: RARRRR BLARRRRR
So, yeah. We kind of liked the Animalities better when Liu Kang just turned into a Chinese dragon and bit a guy in half. But then, that wasn’t this jaw-droppingly awful:
