God of War’s first DLC was too ambitious, but you can read Cory Barlog’s fake pitches involving Vin Diesel and Battle Royale instead

God of War is, frankly, a stunning game with outstanding emotional depth and a prime example of Reboots Done Right. So when it comes to DLCs, I’m definitely not alone in wanting one for God of War, but it sounds like we’re not going to get one any time soon. Insert sad face here. According to an interview with Kinda Funny, creative director Cory Barlog’s initial plan for a DLC was “too ambitious," and would have effectively been on the scale of Uncharted: The Lost Legacy in terms of size, so it was scrapped. Booo.

But the saga doesn’t end there. Barlog (chuckling mischievously, I like to imagine) responded to outlets reporting on his quotes in the best way possible: by revealing his tongue-in-cheek pitches for the scrapped DLC. They are... somewhat unexpected in their scope.

It's True.The idea was that Ragnarok was not actually a battle but a Norse mashup of Hell's Kitchen the Battle Royale movie w/ Gordon Ramsay as Odin.Kratos, boy, Freya, Brok, Sindri and Mimir all have fight + prepare delicious meals while being yelled at. Then someone dies.✊January 9, 2019

Hell’s Kitchen mixed with Battle Royale, Ragnarok (the Norse apocalypse and generally Bad Time™), headed by Gordon Ramsay, sounds utterly chaotic, but if there’s any team that could pull it off it would be the people over at Sony Santa Monica. And if you thought that was mad, just you wait until you read Barlog’s second pitch…

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Truth. The morning after the first game Atreus wakes up to find he has been turned into a car - a VW Rabbit convertible.Only way Kratos, Freya + Mimir can save him is 2 live their life a quarter mile at a time and race to break the spell.Vin Diesel narrates. Explosions.💥January 9, 2019

Wow. Just...wow. I’m sorry, Cory, but c’mon. There’s a clear disregard for Norse lore here. This DLC sound like a drugged-up, much darker version of Cars, has some seriously strong Mad Max overtones, and although Brok and Sindri would be fascinated by the workings of a modern engine I don’t know if I can see a convertible seamlessly blending into the Norse aesthetic. Mind you, I can almost imagine Kratos and Freya driving Norse cars made of sticks and stones all held together by magic and powered by Hacksilver. Almost. Although I’d accept a VW Rabbit Convertible in Midgard if it meant Vin Diesel would lend his voice-acting talent to God of War. The guy is a Dungeons and Dragons fanatic, so I can guarantee he’d get into the high fantasy aesthetic of God of War. That DLC might never see the light of day, but let’s keep our fingers crossed for some God of War-shaped news in the future.