The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Mostly Laurence Fishburne’s speech about not being afraid and having a bit of a dance is rubbish because he doesn’t really say anything, but it also doesn’t help that he looks like some leather-waistcoated superstar DJ addressing a 5 a.m. cave-rave on Gili Trawangan , where the boho crowd of sweating ethno-bods go because Ibiza is, like, really over now.
300 (2006)
“Ready your breakfast and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in hell!” What ? First of all, no truly rousing speech can include the word ‘breakfast’ – it’s a total mood breaker.
And second of all, why would we be eating hearty if we’re planning a slap-up inferno feast later? The guttural screaming is appreciated, Gerard, but this is meaningless.
Rocky IV (1985)
Rocky gets his face beaten like an obdurate anvil for half an hour then slo-mos a Russian superman to submission before offering a one-stop solution to the Cold War: just, like, change.
The modern day equivalent would be an episode of Entourage in which Palestine and Israel put their differences behind them with advice from Ari Gold to ‘hug it out, bitch.’
American Beauty (1999)
“Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world it feels like I can’t take it.” Oh sweet Jesus MAN UP. This profundity-in-the-mundane drivel is like reading a sixth former’s poetry book out loud.
There are so many things more beautiful than a bag, including being sick on your own shoes, which is what this clip makes us want to do.
Streetfighter: The Movie (1994)
JCVD in perhaps his finest onscreen moment as haircut-and-flashkick Street Fighter II character Guile, defying orders from da man and telling his unit he’s going “up reever” to kick M. Bison’s ass, using the kind of weapons-grade accent not seen in Britain since Allo Allo was prime time viewing.
Robin Hood (2010)
Russell Crowe uses his weirdly ersatz Midlands accent to balloon-deflating effect during whatever his Robin Hood film had instead of climaxes. On its own, the scene is a bafflingly flat trudge through some kind of political message.
Coming after a hour or more of tedious ‘historical authenticity’ its barmy suggestion – Robin Hood invented democracy! – is an insulting cock in the eye.
