Ideality!
Paula (Shadows of the Damned)
My guess is you just jumped up and flipped your keyboard, roaring, "Why not Garcia Fucking Hotspur?" at your computer screen before storming off in a not-at-all hyperbolic rage. Aaaaand now that you're back, stop and think about it: Paula is a perfect Mortal Kombat guest character, because we know she can handle being torn to shreds. She seems to spend all of Shadows of the Damned going to bloody pieces over and over again, until she gets sick of it and turns full demon on her ungrateful boyfriend. And she likes him. Imagine what she'd do to someone she doesn't give a shit about.
Finisher: She rapidly alternates between shrieking at and flirting with her enemy, leaving them utterly confused and defenseless before ripping their head off.
Trevor (Grand Theft Auto 5)
Easily the least functional and most disturbed of the GTA 5 gang, Trevor has no issue wreaking havoc on anyone who deserves it, or just mildly inconveniences him. While his weaknesses are clearly on display - all his opponent has to do is follow the instructions on his tattoo - exploiting them is one hell of a challenge given the size and eclectic nature of his arsenal. He could go easy on his enemy with a rocket to the face, draw out their suffering with jumper cables to their sensitive bits, or get it over quick by dousing them with gasoline and lighting them on fire. Yeah, he's got experience with that.
Finisher: Trevor consumes a handy peyote plant, turns into a seagull, drills into his opponent's abdomen and violently bursts out of their ribcage. He doesn't even shake the blood off before snacking on their leftovers.
Hodor and Bran (Game of Thrones)
Gentle giant though he may be, Hodor can use that size to his advantage and bring the pain when he wants to. Or when someone else wants him to, specifically his telekinetic charge Bran Stark, who will sometimes snatch the wheel of Hodor's mind and demote the poor guy to copilot for a while. Mortal Kombat X may already have the big-and-little duo of Ferra and Torr, but Hodor and Bran bring something of their own to the fight, since all Bran has to do is blink and he's inside their heads. Let Hodor babysit his lifeless body for a while, and in the meantime Bran'll force his opponent to rend themselves asunder with their own powers, weapons, and bare goddamn hands. Possibly while chanting why're you stabbing yourself, like an obnoxious pre-teen.
Finisher: Bran jumps into his enemy's mind and makes them believe they're being attacked by crows, and Hodor has to watch in confused terror as they rip their own skin off.
Tom Nook (Animal Crossing)
That raccoon bastard Tom Nook is on our top 100 villains list for a reason, and it's because he's one of the most barbarous landlords you'll ever encounter (and that's saying something). Nook may not have the strength to crush your body, but thats no problem when he can crush your spirit instead, burying you under a mountain of debt that increases exponentially as a direct result of paying it off. He sinks his hooks into you from the start, and the more you struggle, the deeper they burrow until you're ripped apart from the inside out. Metaphorically and physically.
Finisher: Tom Nook hands you yet another bill for a new addition to your digital house and lets the resulting heart attack do the rest.
Glover (Glover)
Glover may only have four fingers, but that's all he needs to give anyone a proper smackdown. That and his five balls of varying density and maximum lethality. Watch him shatter his opponent's sternum with a well-aimed bowling ball. Look, aghast, as he uses a speeding rubber ball to break every bone in their face. Witness him slicing their belly open with the shards of his crystal ball as he shrieks in hellish rage. When he's around, the spheres will predict your destruction.
Finisher: Abandoning his loyal orbs, he molds his opponent into a skeleton-cracking sphere and bounces them off every available surface until their bones turn to mush.
Elsa (Frozen)
While cool queen Elsa could definitely put Sub-Zero on ice (and possibly shove a giant icicle exactly where he wouldn't want it while she's at it), that isn't the extent of her power. Her real talent is in hypnotizing foes and swaying the hearts and minds of thousands. She's already subjugated movie-goers everywhere with her siren-esque singing, so she certainly wouldn't have a problem doing the same in battle. She'd always be one inspirational tune away from making her opponent eat a knife, and a verse of 'Let it Go' would have them dropping their weapons and crooning along. They wouldn't even mind when she put an ice spike through their intestinal tract, because she's just so relatable.
Finisher: She drops the temperature of the arena to zero degrees Kelvin, shutting down all of her opponent's bodily functions and turning them into an ice statue. The cold never bothered her anyway.
Hansel (Zoolander)
The new, young and hip model on the block, that Hansel's so hot right now (especially with a Zoolander sequel on the way) that his very presence is a blow to yourself self-esteem. Also probably your face when he uppercuts you with the business end of his Razor scooter. No adventure is too weird for Owen Wilson in snakeskin tight pants, and no kill too bizarre. If he isn't kicking his opponent's teeth in during a sick breakdance battle, he's smashing a computer monitor over their head or inviting them to an orgy so they can be crushed under a hundred mysterious bodies. Or maybe none of that happened and he just laced their tea with a mind-shattering hallucinogen. Anything goes in the world of male modeling, or whatever's going on right now.
Finisher: He viciously defeats his opponent in a runway walk-off, and they collapse dead from shame.
RuPaul (RuPaul's Drag Race)
RuPaul may look like a sick'ning sweetheart, but anyone who goes toe-to-pointy-toe with her is gonna end up looking sickening in a very different way. A way that mostly involves giblets crushed under the cold heel of a seven-inch stiletto. Actor, model, famously fierce drag queen, and all around hottie-who's-better-than-you, RuPaul has no trouble reading any opponent for the filth they are, and when she throws shade there will be casualties. No amount of charisma, uniqueness, nerve or talent is going to help any enemy of hers when there's a wig in their windpipe and a curling iron shoved through their eye-socket. By the time she's done, anyone who gets in her face will be sashaying away, right off this mortal coil.
Finisher: She forces her opponent to lipsync for their life, then strangles them with a cute belt when they inevitably fuck it up.
Wilson (Castaway)
The fact that his face is painted with the blood of his closest friend is enough to qualify him for this most brutal of kontests, but it doesn't begin to plumb the depths of his dark past. Delivered unto this world by FedEx, the most evil of all shipping companies, he was given life by a man who had no problem abusing innocent volleyballs. After years of torment, Wilson left his vicious creator for dead in the depths of the ocean and drifted to freedom. But he cannot float away from the wickedness that had bloomed within his hollow center. He cannot escape what he has become, and neither can his enemies.
Finisher: He drifts into the sunset, leaving his enemy to fruitlessly shriek his name before drowning themselves in anguish.
Clementine (The Walking Dead)
Flinched, didn't you? What creature with a beating heart and intact cerebrum could possibly think of causing harm to Clementine? Hurting her feelings is painful enough, so how could you fathom using MK-style takedowns on a little girl?? And that's exactly what Clementine wants you to think. Her whole strategy revolves around getting your sympathy so she can shoot you in the back or kick you into a wall of spikes. Or maybe she'll just let the guilt itself do her dirty work, because all she needs is a sniffle and a sad face to make you want to defenestrate yourself. By the time you even notice the subterfuge lurking behind that adorable face, it's already too late.
Finisher: "Clementine will remember that" appears across the screen, forcing her opponent to rip out their own heart and crush it out of sheer guilt.
Irrationality!
There you have it readers: the most brutal guest characters who should truly, absolutely, in no way satirically appear as kombatants in Mortal Kombat X. Which of these fearsome folks do you want to see shatter a man's skull with their kneecap? Who do you want to see crushed under Scorpion's boot? Finish it! That thought, I mean, in the comments below.
Dying for more Mortal Kombat? Check out the Mortal Kombat X roster, and all the different -alities that X should totally have.
