Tea hee
XCOM: Enemy Within
Formats: PS3, Xbox 360, PC, PS Vita
Release date: 2013
Frankly, if you're NOT playing Enemy Within while drinking tea then you're playing it wrong. This is a game that lets you save the planet by introducing rubbery alien invaders to sizzling, laser-death one turn at a time. It's immensely polite in that way.
So, take your turn. Move your troops around, make your shots, go into Overwatch: whatever. Now, sit back, sip some delicious beverage, and watch as your foe attempts to respond. Ah, cunning move, Mr Thin Man. It's basically chess for people who don't wear blazers, have allergies, or call themselves Tarquin. And the best bit? Every level is still as tense and exciting as your average session of Battlefield or COD, because the game is so smart and balanced. Tea and tension? Yes, please.
Recommended tea: Chai makes a nice and spicy accompaniment to alien killing.
Flower
Formats: PS4, PS4, PS Vita
Release date: 2009
Ok, look, I'm not going to pretend that Flower is as thrilling as drilling a zombie's face off in Dead Rising, but it's still a breath-taking game. And it requires minimal effort from you, the sofa-slug lazily waving a controller at the screen. By simply moving the DualShock a bit you can transform grey, industrial landscapes into places of wild, colourful beauty.
And of course that allows for some steamy, tea-quaffing action too. While one hand guides petals around the screen, the other can quite easily manoeuvre a mug towards that fleshy opening in the middle of your face.
Recommended tea: A lovely herbal infusion of rosebud of course.
Pokemon Go
Formats: Mobile
Release date: 2016
Ok, you'll probably have it in a take away cup and have spent a small fortune on boiling water and some leaves from your favourite chain coffee shop but you're outside damn it! The best Pokemon Go players have long mastered the completely one-handed flick of a Poke Ball, making drinking tea and catching 'em all as easy as the pie you're going to go and eat after filling your Pokedex. Even walking with tea means you're filling up your egg meters. Look at you breathing in the fresh air, catching pixelated monsters and, most importantly, drinking tea.
Recommended tea: A sneaky chai tea soya latte because you're a hipster at heart.
The Adventures of Bertram Fiddle: A Dreadly Business
Formats: PC, mobile
Release date: 2015
No point-and-click adventure should ever require you to use more than one hand, but A Dreadly Business goes further than that. Conceptually, this is a one handed game. Hero Bertram Fiddle eschews actual work in favour of mild adventure. Even the action sections can be played one-handed, leaving the other free for your jubilee cup and saucer. It’s full of gently taxing situations that British people would resolve with a calming mug of chai. Fought a man eating plant? Have a cuppa. Fed spiderwebs to urchins? A brew will fix it. Met a disturbed Cthulhu cultist eating a giant woodlouse in a sewer? Better have an extra sugar. Further proof that every problem, however ghastly, should only be considered after a refreshing hot beverage.
Recommended tea: The game is joyful and eccentric like a fabulous aunt, and it requires something equally bold and fragrant - a Lady Grey will suffice.
The Witness
Formats: PS4, Xbox One, PC
Release date: 2016
You need two things in a game to make it a peak tea drinking experience. Firstly plenty of time: you can’t be making any sudden movements with a container of hot liquid around. You also need simple controls, something your un-tea’d hand can manage easily. The Witness’ island exploring, maze solving conceit is perfect on both counts. Throw in a nice Rich Tea and it’s basically the perfect thing for grandma - a nice gentle walk and some simple, brew-fuelled puzzle solving.
Recommended tea: Lapsang souchong because it's a bit pretentious.
Bayonetta
Formats: PS3, Xbox 360, Wii U
Release date: 2009
Yes there's a one handed mode. Of course it's for drinking tea. Incredibly, Bayonetta's Automatic mode does all the movement, targeting, and dodges for you. All you really need to do is press buttons to perform attacks, until everyone is dead. In case you want proof, here's a video of someone playing the game with one hand. Rookie mistake though, there is no tea whatsoever in her left hand and what's the point in switching on Automatic mode if you aren't going to spend the time swigging in a genteel manner from a fine bone china cup?
Recommended tea: Gunpowder, obviously. What's wrong with you?
Threes
Formats: Mobile, Xbox One
Release date: 2014
Who knew that numbers could be this much fun? There’s a glorious simplicity to Threes that can only be truly appreciated while sipping a delicious hot beverage. Puzzling and matching numbers with absurdly cute visuals is a literal joy and now that you can play on Xbox One, you can just put down the pad to ponder your next move. Then you can maybe even introduce a Bourbon biscuit into the equation. Gosh. It's all too exciting to handle.
Recommended tea: What about a lovely Earl Grey for how important and brainy you'll feel when you beat your top score?
Professor Layton vs Phoenix Wright
Formats: 3DS
Release date: 2012
While Prof Layton himself is a powder-keg of repressed rage (I don't see why you can't just sell me a sandwich. I have the money--why the fuck do I need to solve your stupid puzzle first? Just let me pay for my lunch! I'm not interested in which sack of flour is heaviest. I just want some lunch, you ass-hat! Look, either let me buy this ham baguette or I'll burn your fucking shop to the ground!), his games are both relaxed and generally interesting.
Phoenix Wright too, brings slow-paced gameplay that lets you casually slurp at tea while languidly tapping at the screen with a stylus. The Layton / Wright cross-over game is perhaps the ultimate puzzler for more laid-back playthroughs, so I recommend you buy a copy and go nuts. Obviously, by 'go nuts', I mean 'take it steady'. You don't want to burn your top lip by sipping your hot drink too excitedly.
Recommended tea: A good solid English Breakfast for the excellent Professor.
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Formats: Xbox, PC
Release date: 2011
BioWare did a smart thing when it created KOTOR. While the game (and its sequel) capture the pace and excitement of the Star Wars universe, they also offer surprisingly deep, tactical RPG gameplay that can be customised to your own preferences. Having made it this far in the feature, you'll be aware that my preference is for playing while drinking. KOTOR has got my back, y'all.
The combat in KOTOR can (and should) be paused to allow you the chance for making tactical decisions on the fly. You queue up actions and let them play out in real time. If the fight starts to go sour, you pause and adjust. It can be done quickly (not advised) or slowly (advised); accompanied by beverages.
Recommended tea: Any tea with blue milk.
The Secret of Monkey Island (or any point-and-click)
Formats: PS3, Xbox 360, PC, Mobile
Release date: 1990
Point-and-click games are designed to be played slowly. They want you to soak up the atmosphere, read all the dialogue, and pay careful attention to your surroundings. As such, they're the ultimate 'play with tea' games. The kind of activity ideal for laying waste to Sunday afternoons, and all those 'sick days' you take after drinking too much gin the night before.
Monkey Island is probably the best point-and-click out there, and worth lining up a whole box of Twinings to drink through while you play. Other notable series include Sam & Max, The Walking Dead, and Leisure Suit Larry. What? Oh, you were expecting another onanism gag here? Sorry, I'm done with them. Or am I?
Recommended tea: PG Tips. Why? Because of the monkey. Obviously.
One Button Bob
Formats: PC
Release date: 2010
It's a flash game. The name is entirely accurate. That's all you need to know about One Button Bob. Go play it now (and make yourself a nice cup of tea) instead of reading the rest of this slide. Don't worry about me--I'll just copy and paste some text from an old article to fill out the word count. Bonus points if you correctly identify the feature it comes from.
Better than that, its a fine desk unit. Its almost a bureau, which among desk-fanciers (I'm pretty sure they exist--please don't Google them) is very much the Lamborghini of office furniture. Considering Dad is such a crap writer, he certainly has some decent tools for his trade. Also, he keeps a bottle of something boozy in his desk area - perfect for knocking back while he reads all those publishing rejection letters and ponders the reality of imperfect family life.
Recommended tea: Vanilla Rooibos because it's sweet and simple. Like Bob.
