13 zero-point Achievements that will make you want to cry

Achievements are among the great prides of the Xbox gamer, and of all the virtual accomplishments one can strive for, zero-point Achievements are among the most peculiar. They seem to be reserved for either the highest highs or lowest lows imaginable in the Xbox 360 and Xbox One libraries. Maybe it's an ultimate signifier that you've completed every other Achievement in the game and have fully conquered everything it has to offer... or maybe it's just the game thumbing its nonexistent nose at you by highlighting one of your more embarrassing moments. We'll be focusing on the latter today, so you know which games to avoid playing if you've got low self-esteem. On the flipside, for those of you who have a thing for being ridiculed or talked down to (hey, no judgments here), these zero-point Achievements are sure to get you all riled up. Their 0g value offers nothing to your total gamerscore, only serving as a blemish on the permanent record that is your Xbox account's Achievement collection. If you're ever unfortunate enough to score these anti-Achievements, take solace in the fact that you can't be the only one. 

Secret Service - The Exact Opposite of Your Job

If you're constantly dismayed by the fact that the 2013 Gerard Butler vehicle Olympus Has Fallen never got a game tie-in, you might be able to get your President-protecting jollies by digging up the Xbox 360 shovelware game known as Secret Service. That's about the only reason to play this FPS, because its shoddy graphics, routine gunplay, and preposterous plot are all about as forgettable as the game's title.

But credit where credit's due: this zero-point Achievement is pretty funny. In the final mission, it's possible to shoot the President - the man you've been protecting for the entire game - and effectively tender your resignation from the Secret Service by killing your tippy-top-level boss. The exact opposite of your job, indeed.

NBA Ballers: Chosen One - Loser

Boy, NBA Ballers sure doesn't pull any punches with that Achievement name. Everyone just loves when an Achievement calls them names after a bitter losing streak - in this case, five Ranked match losses in a row. That's the kind of downward spiral that can send anyone into a frenzy, nevermind being triggered by this Achievement into an all-out tirade.

Who the hell does this Chosen One think they are? Not like anyone remembers the NBA Ballers series - it wishes it had even an inkling of the fanbase that reveres NBA Jam or NBA Street. I'm a Loser, huh?! How about I snap this 360 disc in half? WHO'S THE LOSER NOW, MIDWAY?! Still, this is far less maddening than Dead of Alive 4's zero-point Achievement for losing a whopping 20 consecutive matches. One can only imagine the kind of blinding rage that follows. 

Dirt Rally - Mondays Be Like...

This Achievement really has nothing to do with any particular day of the week, but there's just something about Monday that makes everybody pile it on. Garfield aficionados and those who loathe the start of the standard work week should appreciate this commemoration of a total failure during  your rally-racing career.

To add this zero-pointer to your collection, you need to crash your car so badly that it instantly ends your rally. The best method is to simply careen off a cliff at the earliest opportunity, dooming you and your co-driver to at least some severe injuries and at most a fiery death. Anything for an Achievement. 

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand - Not Bulletproof

It's fairly obvious that Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson isn't bulletproof - he is but a man, and his entire rap career was launched off of songs that repeatedly remind you of the time he got shot and persevered. But apparently, surviving a shooting is equatable to immortality, because the rapper's first game is titled 50 Cent: Bulletproof.

This anti-Achievement in Bulletproof's sequel, Blood on the Sand, is a callback to its predecessor, and a celebration of your ability to be so bad at this third-person shooter. To earn it, all you need to do is die on Easy mode - essentially making 50 look as soft as a down pillow covered in cashmere. 

Oddworld: New 'n' Tasty - Oops...

If you're a self-centered jerk, you might play this classic puzzle platformer as a game of pure self-preservation, guiding the lovable, fart-happy janitor Abe to safety while ignoring everyone else. But the real purpose of Oddworld is to fulfill Abe's true calling as the savior of his Mudokon people, seeking out and freeing his fellow slave laborers from abysmal working conditions (and the threat of being turned into meat products) within RuptureFarms.

That's much easier said than done, as the other Mudokons completely rely on you to facilitate their deliverance. And inevitably, you're going to accidentally axe one of them by flubbing a level-pull that crushes them or sends them falling to their death. As you're stricken by a sense of shock, guilt, and mourning, this zero-point Achievement pops up to really rub it in. Now you can never forget the horrible thing you've done.  

Blitz: The League - Weak Sauce

The Arizona Cardinals have a pretty spotty history. Sure, they had a decent run a few years ago, and even made it to the Super Bowl against the Pittsburgh Steelers. But when Blitz: The League was made, the Cardinals were known for closing a season with five wins or less. This edgy representation of the NFL wanted to commemorate this team's long record of mediocrity with a special zero-point Achievement, just for you.

In order to "earn" yourself nil points, simply lose against Arizona in game one of the career, and you'll be greeted with the "Weak Sauce" Achievement. When you're celebrating over your recent acquisition, you can use that weak sauce for your weekend fantasy football parties. That tang? That's the taste of sorrow and defeat.

FIFA 08 - Beat Yourself

When soccer players aren't flopping around on the pitch like a fish out of water, they're busy running around not scoring goals. In a sport where 1-1 ties are not uncommon, the act of scoring a goal is a rare one. Two points is considered a rousing game. Scoring two on your own goal, though, is just bad luck.

But that's exactly what will earn you the "Beat Yourself" Achievement. Take that ftbol and kick it right past your own goaltender while everyone screams "YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!!!" First time, it's an accident. Second time? Maybe you should read a rulebook.

The Simpsons Game - Pwnd

The Simpsons Game revels in breaking the fourth wall. Heck, this is a game that not only gives you an Achievement simply for pressing start, but also features SimCity creator Will Wright as the final boss of the game. It's not afraid of mocking video game tropes left and right which also includes a few jabs at the player for their own suckitude.

If you d'oh ten times in a row, you'll get the lovely zero-point Achievement "Pwnd." So, basically, you get a permanent badge that tells people you were terrible at a mediocre-ish licensed game. Worst. Achievement. Ever.

Frontlines: Fuel of War - Noob

Welp, here's some more l33tspeak for you. Calling someone a "noob" is a way of insulting their playing skills; a "dis," if you will. It's short for "newbie," and if you're rewarded with this Achievement in Frontlines: Fuel of War, it's likely because you're not very good at this game; or really, any other.

You receive this Achievement for killing yourself off ten times in any multiplayer match. There are lots of ways to do it, really. Grenades, rockets, or even falling from a great height a few times in a row will get you some sweet, non-existent points to add (or not) to your Gamerscore.

Guitar Hero 3 - Tail Between Your Legs

Boss Battles were a strange addition to the Guitar Hero series, but they actually provided a unique challenge to your plastic fretwork skills. At three points during the campaign, you'd do musical skirmish against a different rock god. Before you start, though, you're asked if you're ready to commit.

But what if you're not? What if you've got food at the door, or your kid is screaming, or the apocalypse is literally happening around you? Careful if you click that "NO" button, because *BLOOP* there's a special zero-point Achievement for that, too. It's called "Tail Between Your Legs," and it assumes that you ran screaming in fear from Tom Morello, and not because you didn't want your Hot Pocket to get cold.

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 - Lost the Plot

Golf is already hard enough without having someone mocking you for your own personal failures. You've gotta smack a tiny ball toward an equally tiny hole, all while avoiding sand, water, and wind. And you have to do it in three to five swings. The only way it would be more difficult is if rabid wolves were hunting you down, which is why this "Achievement" stings more than most.

Sometimes every force of nature is conspiring against your attempt to land that putt, and Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 will grace you with a lovely "Lost the Plot" Achievement if you're unable to complete a hole in under ten strokes. It's enough to make you go into a Happy Gilmore-like rage. But quietly, of course; this is a gentleman's (and gentlewoman's) game.

Superman Returns - Not That Super

Even the world's greatest superhero needs some help now and then but that doesn't mean he has to show it off to the world like the giant "S" emblazoned on his chest. But that's just what happens when you try to cheat in Superman Returns.

If you put in one of the invulnerability or power-up codes, you'll also receive the "Not That Super" Achievement for your less than scrupulous actions. The codes might make the crappy game more palatable, but the Achievement still feels like a metaphorical punch in the crotch with a kryptonite fist.

NHL 2K7/2K8 - Quitter!

There's a special circle in hell for people who quit online matches for no good reason, and it's unfortunate that there's no real way to know if the person you're playing against is going to duck out right when they're about to lose. Luckily, NHL 2K7 and 2K8 have a way of letting the whole world know if you're a big poopy sore-loser-head.

If you wimp out of ten ranked online matches in a row, you are granted the rather telling "Quitter!" Achievement. Now the whole world will know what a terrible sport you are. For the record, this is the only Achievement here that feels completely deserved. Just take your lumps and move on.

David Roberts
David Roberts lives in Everett, WA with his wife and two kids. He once had to sell his full copy of EarthBound (complete with box and guide) to some dude in Austria for rent money. And no, he doesn't have an amiibo 'problem', thank you very much.